Momtothemasses

Christmas?

2011-09-17T16:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's official. I've started Christmas shopping :D I found a coupon deal through snapfish where I can buy one 8x11 book and get two free. I ordered three, one for me, one for my parent's, and one for my grams. Theirs will be for Christmas. These are my favorite group pictures from our photo shoot and I will be enlarging them to hand out as 8x10 pictures to family.

Tooth fairy visits

2011-09-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

So, Tareyn lost another tooth. This was right after she pulled it out herself. This is the first tooth that we put under her pillow for the toothfairy. You can see that both of her front bottom teeth are adult teeth. We tried to put those under her pillow when it happened and she flipped out. Seriously. FLIPPED. OUT.

2011-05-03T18:05:00.000-07:00

I honestly don't know what to do with all my garbage. It's easy to ignore it during the day when I have people around me, or when the sun is shining...but night is a completely different story. How am I supposed to just get over the fact that the one person that I gave my all to decided that I wasn't worth it? Fourteen years. The week he moved out we had been together for FOURTEEN years.

He signed the papers yesterday. I waited until he had signed them. I was a mess yesterday because it's done. I was a mess today...I hit a van today when I was out. And today I signed the papers.

I just dont' know what to do with all this crap I'm feeling. My heart hurts. He said I'm not important and he can't be happy when he's with me. Where do I put that? For the past four years I've been a stay at home mom and a devoted wife. I found a for real relationship with God and started doing life based on God's book. And now I'm not worth it??

I don't want to place my worth on someone else's shoulders. I'm not stupid but SERIOUSLY, this is the guy I figured I'd outlive. I expected to be pushing him around in a wheelchair as an old man. Traveling cross country to see the grandkids we'd have someday. We talked about our future. And he was THERE. With ME.

I don't know how to get over a broken heart. It doesn't help that he never even tried to explain. He would answer my questions but never offered anything.

I don't want him to live we me unhappy but how did we get to just done? Shouldn't there have been something in between completely happy to completely finished.

This weekend is going to suck. It's mother's day and last year he gave me the best gift he'd ever given me. My parents came to visit that week. And when I woke up that morning he opened his heart to me in a way he had never done before.

How am I supposed to get over this and be what my kids need me to be? How am I supposed to just walk away from this?

Stupidity

2011-01-22T12:38:00.000-08:00

I really feel like I must have been living in a dream world. I can't shake it. He doesn't want me. The only way he would be happy is by divorcing me. In his mind that is the only option. I really just don't get it. I've been looking back and trying to understand. Trying to see some clue of him hating me as much as he does. I know we were busy. I know he was tired. He's always been quiet. Always. Never one to talk much.

I just don't know what my next step is. I am not pursuing any sort of anything. I'm not moving. I'm not making plans. I have called our church and a neutral counselor. I'm waiting for a call back to get that going. I'm scared that he's serious and he's leaving. I'm praying that his heart will change and he can see that our life together is really a good thing. I have tried to talk to him. See where things went from ok to done. He brought things up from ten years ago. Things that I thought I had been forgiven for.

I honestly don't know what to think. I've already told him that I still love him. And I tell him every night he leaves for work and every morning before he goes to bed. When did marriage become disposable? When did I become worthless to him. Of no value?

And our kids. Our poor clueless kids. I made sure to tell them on Thursday night that he and I have been fighting. They're all worried and have been acting out in their own ways. Keaton walked away from me this morning. Sydney had been quiet for a few days before she found out. Morgan is just Morgan. I went to bed on Thursday, and I always check in on them when I go up. She was still awake on her bed. She asked me if we had fought again. I didn't know how to answer her so I just told her that we weren't really talking. And then there's Tareyn. Sweet T that has been walking around the house like a holy terror. Testing every boundary there is.

I don't know how to fix this. And it sucks. He's done and unwilling to try and I'm sitting here clueless. I want this to be a building up for our relationship. Not an ending. I want him to feel valued because he is. I want him to feel important because he is. I want him to feel wanted because I DO.

2011-01-18T19:08:00.000-08:00

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. My heart feels like it might just scoot up my throat and out of my body. It keeps doing these weird little beats that are seriously beginning to flip me out. I am, what you would call, a HOT MESS. My life seemed ideal. We were getting by and managing just fine. OR so I thought. My husband has been a little on the moody side but I attributed that to his switching to third shift within the last few months (August) and the anniversary of the death of his mom a week ago. We don't always connect because of the odd work hours but I seriously thought that it was just a thing we had to get through.

He completely shook my world on Sunday evening when he came upstairs to tell me that he was done with this. He isn't happy and he's just done. Now, I promise you, if we had fought or had issues I wouldn't be a dumb struck as I am right now. I seriously had NO idea he was willing to just walk away. He's told me that I don't care how he feels because I never listen to him tell me how he feels. I can't do much now. I mean, I've told him that I'm not leaving. I honestly don't know what to do. I think my heart might just be breaking. I love that boy as much as I love air. I feel like I need it to survive. And I honestly can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what I would do.

I don't know what to do. It's like I'm sitting here waiting for him to decide what to do. It stinks. Because seriously, the boy is super important to me. And I thought that I was letting him know that by doing little things for him all the time. I mean, I'd take his car and fill it up with gas so he wouldn't have to do it. Or make sure we kept soda in the house cause he likes it when he gets up. Or keep the kids out of his hair when he was waking up. I just don't know. I thought I was speaking his language and obviously I wasn't. I need him to know that he's important. I need him to realize how much he means to me. I live my life to make him happy. That's my goal. TO see him smile because of something I did. And he is important. I told him HE is worth fighting for. Because to me, he's the only thing to fight for. I honestly don't know what else to say to him???

I'm lost.

Highlights!

2011-01-08T10:29:00.000-08:00

Hehe, I got highlights put into my hair yesterday. T has walked around calling them stripes. She thinks my 'stripes are pretty awesome'! I think that since it's coming out of the mouth of a four year old it's an even better compliment!

We've had a pretty decent week this week after having some rough weeks with the big kids home from school on break. Not that the big kids were mis-behaving. It was mostly the four year old throwing fits because some bigger people would not entertain her at any given moment or that she couldn't have exactly what she wanted at the exact minute she asked for it (we're working on patience together-her and I both).

We had decided to try something new awhile ago and finally had the, um, opportunity, last Saturday night when T had a melt down on the way into her classroom at church. She ended up coming home with Corey while I stayed with the other three at service. When I got home we had her gather up her favorite toys (leapster with all the NEW games, barbie computer, crayons and some other electronic games). We explained that she would not have her things back for a few days (we hadn't actually set a specific time frame, except for the fact that she had to behave and follow rules to get the things back). Oh, and NO tv either. At ALL! So, we spent Sunday and Monday with nothing. We listened to Klove on the computer and that was it. Just spending time with each other.

I had decided to change my approach to this most strong willed child of mine and spend all my time with her doing what needed to be done. She is four btw and is quite a capable little person. She brought one of her little chairs out the kitchen and helped me make a casserole for dinner Monday night. She helped me fold laundry both Monday and Tuesday and then took things up to her dresser a few pieces at a time (and like things together so they'd get into the correct drawer). Anyway, after giving this child most of my attention and stopping a behavior before it actually got to that point, talking to her instead of letting it get to the point of raising my voice, really, just changing the way I was reacting to her behavior...we had a very good week. I am NOT going to make excuses for my child and her behavior lately but I do know in my heart that kids need boundaries and guidance and I was not doing my job by clearly showing what my expectations were.

Again, I'm not a parenting expert. And although I have gone through this age with three other children I feel as if I'm walking this path for the first time with the baby of our family.

We made it through this week and I am content that it was a better week than previous weeks!

Tada!

2011-01-08T07:11:00.000-08:00

Well, we made it through another day! MissT was even lucky enough to get her 'ds' back last night about an hour before bed. *she hasn't had it since last Saturday because of a melt down she had at church Saturday night.

Ugh

2011-01-05T05:58:00.000-08:00

Really? REallly? REALLY? I live in Texas. My immediate family (parents, brother, sister) live in Indiana. We moved here from there because we needed to. *that's a whole story in itself and not the point of my rant today*

My sister is the baby of the family. She has lived in a government subsidized house for the past two years. Before that she lived in my parent's basement. Before that she had a house and a full time job and was able to pay her bills because she also watched my youngest two kids, which I paid her for, like a real daycare situation. Except that she was able to keep her two kids with her also. Ok, getting off topic and that's the other story.

Anyway, she has to hand the keys over for her house on Monday at noon. I know that it's a sucky time to try and find a place to live. She has three kids now. And no real man in the picture. Her first to kids are hers with her ex-husband and he's a dead beat. He's something like $7,000 behind in child support but since he makes a payment every other month the state of Indiana won't go after him.

Daddy of baby number three is a dead beat. And by dead beat I mean, he has worked a total of four months in the three and a half years that I've been in Texas. He is 27 or 28 and still lives with his mom. Shares a room with is brother/nephew. That right there should tell you something of his family dynamics.

My sister had broke up with him or had him break up with her about 20 times in the last two years. I'm not even kidding~I quit counting after about 12 times. She even had a restraining order on him at one point. But, he's back in the picture which means no one in the family wants to help her out because helping her means helping him. As soon as she gets a new place he would move in. Whether she thinks it or not. He's stolen from my family, both things and money. He's stolen straight out of my sisters purse and she's ok with that.

She told me on the phone two days ago that there is absolutely NO WAY that she would ever even consider moving back in with my parents. She isn't even talking to them. Her and my mom work at the same grocery store. My parents help her out more that she's willing to admit. She gets food stamps every month yet every month my mom lets her come in and grocery shop and then pays for the groceries because what my sister was getting with her food stamps won't last a full month. Her dead beat baby daddy eats like a horse. I'm not kidding. If she makes something before she goes to work for the kids to eat for dinner she doesn't expect to eat any when she gets home because big boy has eaten the rest. So, she's the one out there working, taking care of her three kids. He comes over to watch the kids when she's at work, because, seriously, what else does he have to do?

This loser is the choice she has made. And because she chose him she's lost a whole load of things. In no certain order, her house, her van, another van, and apartment, another car. And besides the physical 'things' she also lost her friends. She is civil to the people she works with. And she might have a friend or two outside of work, but they are HIS sisters, of the girlfriends/wives of his brothers. Not her friends, not her choice. Just people put together.

Anyway, again, my sister is expecting someone to swoop in and rescue her. She thinks that over the next two to three days someone is just going to jump in a fix her life. She's taking some steps to make sure the kids have a roof over their heads but has resigned herself to sleeping in her van (which my parent's bought straight out for her). I just don't understand the mentality. I don't get it.

When did we get like this? When did it turn ok for you to hate your parents for wanting you to get more out of life? She's ticked at me because I have a house sitting empty in the same city she lives in and I won't let her move in there. The house is on the market and we aren't renting it anymore. Plus I know HE would move in there with her. I've offered to let her come down here and move in with me here. She won't even consider that.

My grandma has a rental and I've tried to talk to my sister about that but she is completely done listening to me I guess. I'm not sure? She's hung up on me the last two times I've talked to her so I guess she's just writing me off now too. Guess she's done?

She has talked to her boyfriends mother and tried to make arrangements to have her kids sleep in the house while she sleeps outside in the van. I just don't understand how that makes sense? Her kids are two, four, and eight. Who is going to deal with them when they wake up in the night if she's outside sleeping in her van? Did I mention that it's a three bedroom house with five people living in it already? I don't even want my mind to go there. Too many bad things come from that house. Mom and step dad share a bedroom. Boyfriend shares a room with one brother/nephew, and the other brother/nephew has the other bedroom. I'm not sure which of the two brother/nephew's got expelled from school for selling drugs-the 15yo. The other one is 19 and had to do community service. Like I said, not a lot of good comes out of that house.

I have to get a shower. Ugh, I don't know how to deal with this drama anymore...

Overwhelmed??

2010-10-06T06:36:00.000-07:00

I'm not even sure that's the right word to use? It has such a negative connotation to it. And this isn't a negative 'thing'. I'm overwhelmed with joy, hope, happiness...I'm also overwhelmed with the trials of a four year old...I'm happy that my kids are doing as well as they are. I mean, I fully expected to have kids with some sort of dysfunction. I mean, I am, after all, their mother.

I had a nice conversation with my children's youth pastor a few weeks ago before our Saturday night service started. We were talking about how shy Syd is and how it takes her just longer to open up and participate when she tries something new. Youth pastor asked how she was doing transitioning to middle school and although it's been a bumpy ride emotionally, she seems to be doing ok. He asked about grades and that's one area where I'm not even concerned. My baby is in all the Pre-AP classes that sixth grade offers at her school. She is academically gifted. Then youth pastor asked me about the boy child (he's in 7th grade this year btw). Again, he's in all Pre-AP classes minus the math class. Oh, and I should say, they both have straight A's. He didn't quite ask a question but I let him know that in our house (Corey and I were both sitting right next to each other) failure isn't an option. We've NEVER let the kids not like school. They are expected to work. They are expected to keep their grades up. I know way too many people who are 'ok' that their kids complain about having to go to school, or misbehave while they are at school, or whatever about school. We have NEVER given the kids that option. I expected that one day we'd get to the point where they all fought getting up in the mornings and while I do have to enthusiastically encourage Syd to get up in the mornings, we've never really had a problem.

I know that I'm lucky that my kids don't fight as much as other kids. I know I'm lucky that not only do they not fight going to school, or getting up in the mornings, or whatever, I'm lucky that they don't fight with each other very often. I've talked to friends and family whose kids have started screaming matches with each other or even thrown punches at each other. I KNOW that I am NOT perfect in any way-and I'm totally making up this parenting thing as we go-but I am happy that my kids have not tried to respond to each other in those ways. It is not allowed in our house. We have truly tried to reinforce that your family is always your family and they are the ones that you can TOTALLY count on. I don't care if I'm talking to the four year old or the twelve year old. They know that we are family and that's all there is to it!

Remember

2010-10-02T08:54:00.000-07:00

I have so many things that I hope I don't forget when I get older. Like the other day when I took LadyT to chickfila for the first real time. An actual chickfila with a play place (like McDonald's or Burger King). I had a coupon that expired Thursday so I decided we'd head over there for lunch. I let some of my friends know we were going and we went. Two of my gf's met us there and we had a nice enjoyable lunch. It was fun to hang out with the girls and let the kids be kids!

We were on the way home, well, to the store before home, and I was getting ready to merge onto the highway and little missT asked if she could cheer for me. Of course I said, YES, not quite sure what to expect...she sat in the back seat chanting MOMMA, MOMMA, MOMMA...for our 10 minute drive to the store. I chuckled the whole way and told her thanks when we got our van parked. She told me I did a good job driving. Like a four year old would know any different??? But I loved it anyway. And I don't want to forget her sweetness. That was one of our good days. I want to remember her sweetness when she's being a monster and screaming at me because she didn't get whatever it was that she wanted that day in that particular minute.

Unfortunately we've been having some bad days a little more often...I'm not quite sure why?? She had a HUGE melt down at the library on Wednesday. I had to hold both her arms and walk her out in front of me because doing the one handed thing was going to make books fall off of the bookshelves she was trying to use to stop me from walking her out. Then there was the ten minute drive home with her screaming at me because she didn't get to check library books out due to the fit.

I want to be able to remember the times when she tells me I'm the bestest mommy in the world when she's starting that head-tilted, lip-quivering, whiney voiced complaint when she didn't get her way, or have the last say, or interrupt my conversation for the thousandth time just in the last 20 minutes since her dad has been up out of bed.

Ok, I know why some of this is happening...we've had a scheduling change and she's rebelling against change. The man changed to third shift awhile ago. Um, the second week of August.

She the one child of mine that wants, no NEEDS, to know exactly what each day is going to entail. If I tell her we need to run to the grocery store she will ask me every five minutes from the time I've told her until the time we leave for the store. On days when we have a regular routine (Tuesday=my Bible study group with a few kids, Wendesday=ABC club AFTER lunch, Saturday=Church AFTER dinner, which comes AFTER LUNCH!) She doesn't ask as many questions those days because she's grown accustomed to those days. On the days when we're invited out for a playdate I can't tell her where we're going until the morning of the plans, simply because I can't handle the five thousand questions that will come with my declaration.

So, I know that with the schedule change things are different in our house. And this is the first time we've been involved in an activity that meets weekly outside of our home (other than church) so that's different too. I don't want to keep my child home just to keep my sanity. I really don't but I'm so not kidding when I tell you that some days she makes me feel K-RAY-ZEE. Not kidding.

Ok, I need to move. It's taken me at least 40 minutes just to get all this out due to the four children in my home and their needs-it is lunchtime-what was I thinking!

I really do love this life. And I KNOW that we will get through this. I know that God loves me and I'm going to learn my lesson from this life trial and come out stronger on the other side.

2010-09-23T09:46:00.001-07:00

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that I feel guilty because I have feelings. Like it's not ok to feel things. I know that I don't always need to let my feelings guide me through life but I should be able to experience some emotion without feeling guilty for having it. My feelings are hurt and every time he hurts me like this it brings up all the same hurt feelings over the last 13.5 years of our relationship.

I'm a girl. I'm emotional. I like to talk. I like to talk about FEELINGS. Deal with it. Let me be who I am.

Garbage

2010-09-22T13:21:00.000-07:00

So, I feel like I have all this crap to say and no where to put it. I'm frustrated and I have nowhere to get rid of that either. Corey switched shifts at work and it's not a bad thing but it's definitely affecting my side of our relationship.

I've tried not to make a big deal out of things because I really don't want him to regret his decision *he did do it to help keep our family afloat financially. I only need him to know that this sucks for me. I don't expect him to 'fix it'. I just need to vent it out. I've tried to be supportive. I really don't know what else to do. I've tried to keep my mouth shut and this stuff just ends up sitting here festering.

He threw away a porn dvd thing the other night. It wasn't just in the garbage-he busted the cd all to pieces. I didn't even know what was on there. It just said 'stuff' on the front of it. It really wasn't a big deal except that the night before I left him a note (when I went to bed I stuffed it in his kindle).

I've been working my way through the Love Dare book most of the summer. It's supposed to take forty days to accomplish but it took me longer. And when I got ticked with things I walked away from it. So, it took me a little longer to finish. Anyway, I worked on this letter for at least two weeks cause it just wasn't coming together the way I wanted it to. It was supposed to be about how committed I am to sticking this out through anything (I think we've already proved that tho). And then the last day was to write out some sort of renewal of your vows. I decided to add them to the end of the note.

I made sure to give it to him on a night that he didn't have to work, hoping that he'd come up stairs and it would prompt a conversation. We hardly talk since he's switched shifts. He's grouchy when he wakes up at night and will listen to me ramble on about the day but isn't much for give and take at that point in the day. In the morning when he gets home he's grouchy tired and isn't in the mood for conversation. So, I'm left with all this crap sitting here stewing waiting to boil over.

The porn thing wasn't a big deal. I wanted it to be a big deal. I spent two weeks working on a letter to him. When I woke up that day he was pissed and his porn was in the garbage. I wanted him to say,"I DID IT FOR YOU. I want you, no one else. You make me happy." That's what I wanted to hear. Instead I go to wake up to a husband in a bad mood.

I guess that's why I kept bringing it up. I know that I have high expectations and I should totally be over it after almost fourteen years that we've been together. I guess that I'm to the point that I'd like to feel like I'm appreciated. I know that it's silly of me to expect him to appreciate me but I really worked on my side of our relationship all summer with the love dare. I stepped out so many times to tell him how much I appreciate what you do. And I KNOW that I shouldn't expect something in return BUT I DID. I'm trying to get over it. But it's not like we can talk about it.

And ever since some years ago I don't want to talk about feelings cause it ends up all about me and that's not what I want either. I'm selfish, I get that. I'm working on it. I am trying not to be.

I don't want to just exist. I don't like living just to get through each day. Being grouchy with anyone that crosses my path. I DON'T have pms and this isn't just going away. I want to feel good about life and decisions I've made-not just survive. I've absolutely been on the verge of tears for weeks now. I'm short tempered with my kids and no matter how much I pray about it things aren't going away. I get bad mood in the morning and bad mood at night. He said this morning that I should wake him up earlier so he has time to wake up before he leaves for work, um, no thanks, don't think I could handle having to be around it any longer than I am already.

I'm sorry but this is where I am right now. It sucks. One day I'm sure I'll get over it. God will give me grace to survive but I dont' want to just make it through.

holiness

2010-09-17T20:11:00.001-07:00

do you ever feel like someone is just more 'holy' than yourself? Do you ever feel like some people think that they are holier than you? I wonder why you have that feeling? I wonder why I have that feeling? I see people with all their religiosity and I just have to chuckle. I'm sure you think that you are holier than I. I'm sure you believe there are levels. I have to say that I believe that is a myth because when Jesus died for us he didn't only die for the people that read x amount of Bible every day, or for people who pray for x amount of hours each day. He died for ALL of us. ALL. Me too. Whether I spend hours on my knees praying every day. Of if I can't finish a sentence without a brain fart.

I know that Father God Loves ME too. No matter what you think. That's all I have to say about that (well for now anyway)

Randomness

2010-09-12T05:58:00.000-07:00

So the oldest daughter tells me the other day that sometimes her friends call her Random because she spouts off random thoughts. She is the child most like her father in our house. Physically alike, super tall and thin. Neither of them are particularly pleasant in the mornings. Mentally-the same smart quirky-ness. They'd both like to be alone more than with others. And now, the name. Corey's handle on any of the havens, boards, whatever, was/is Random because he would spout off randomness.

I'm feeling a little lost right now. Not quite sure where to put these things I'm feeling. I should say that I'm pms-y and a little sensitive. I understand that. I really do. I'm just not sure where to put this stuff.

I wrote Corey a letter yesterday-well, finished it yesterday after working on it for two weeks. It was day 39 of the Love Dare. I had to write a letter of commitment to him stating that I'm here to stay. Day 40 is to re-write your wedding vows. So, I did both into one. Seriously, I've been working on this for two weeks off and on when he's not around cause I did really want it to be a surprise. Well, I finished it, printed it, and hid it in his kindle before I went to bed last night. I figured it would be a nice surprise for him to find when he was all alone in the night. He's told me how hard it is to be alone in the quiet so many nights of the week.

I guess I was silly to expect any sort of big reaction. That just isn't his style. But I wanted it. Instead I got a few lines in an email about him being proud of me finishing the dare. That and an attitude most of the morning.

I absolutely hate how I feel right now. My heart hurts. He hardly spoke two words to me when he was awake this morning. Well, he went to sleep and ended up again. He couldn't sleep and got up to eat. Spent some time eating and then went back up to bed.

I was surprised when I got up this morning that there wasn't more. I saw a broken up cd in the garbage when I got up this morning and I'm pretty sure that it was a cd that Jen made for him.

He just seems mad about everything and I honestly don't know what to do to fix it. I walk on egg shells so he can get a full eight hours of sleep every day. I try and keep the kids out of his hair when he is awake. I want him to spend time with them-not yell at them for being kids.

I just feel like it's all I can do to keep my head above water right now. I feel like I'm sinking and I HATE this feeling.

I don't think it would be such a big deal if he would just say, boom, this is what you did that ticked me off and let's move on. BUT HE WON'T.

And I really thought that the letter was uplifting. I hate putting so much stock into what he thinks. BUT I DO. He's my life and he won't even let me in to what he's dealing with-whatever it is.

No privileges here

2010-08-30T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well, it is week two back to school and as much as I am enjoying having the big kids back in school I am thoroughly frustrated at the youngest child's lack of sleep as of late. Our rule is if she's up more than once to potty then she losses her privileges for the next day. I know, this might seem harsh, but we had to take drastic measures when the child was getting up six to eight times a night. It all started toward the end of last year. At first I thought it was night terrors but soon came to realize that it's mostly just a behavioral issue. After the years my husband and I spent working in group homes with physically and mentally handicapped people who have their own Behavior Management Plans we decided to do the same thing over and over again with her to encourage her to 'behave' the right way. MissT has a BMP!

She was up once to potty last night, within 20 minutes of being put to bed. The second time she started yelling I went up and reminded her that she would be losing all of her privileges for today and that we would not be leaving the house other than to take the kids to and from school. She hasn't been able to play any of her special toys-leapster, leap pad, playdough, coloring crayons or books, no tv, no kiddie computer, no real computer, NO NETFLIX. We watched the news this morning for a bit and have had the music on the computer the rest of the day.

I had plans to go to Sam's club today. I needed to get my oil changed and vehicle inspection done. I was going to go walking through the neighborhood this morning. Instead, I took the kids to school by myself. Don't worry, Corey was home since he doesn't work Sunday night. I had to take a forgotten lunch to school and then ran through the grocery to get bread-the one thing I absolutely had to have.

I just got a call from Walmart the Josaphina's glasses are in. So, once we get the oldest two from school we'll head out and pick her glasses up, hoping that the boy's are in also.

I'm hoping we have a better night tonight because I have my Bible study here tomorrow and although there might not be a lot of kids in attendance I don't want to have to stop everything I'm trying to learn to discipline a child.

Oh, and Corey's got tonight off so he can deal with her again tonight if she's up. I know she's got to get tired of standing on the wall. *when my older kids were younger we moved into a 900 square foot apartment, after living in 1500 square foot house. Needless to say the majority of corners were filled with stuff so we started facing the wall with our hands at our sides as a punishment for whatever amount of time needed. That's carried over for four kiddos and now she's old enough to do it. She's also the most stubborn child I've had so far and can stand for 30 minutes at a time because your time doesn't start until you stop moving, playing around, whining, crying, whatever the case may be.

Firsts

2010-08-25T14:38:00.000-07:00

I have many younger-than-me friends starting to let their babies go off to preschool and mom's day out programs. Some of my friends have more than one child but the majority of my friends don't. And I have one friend with a child older than my four kiddos. I have three school aged kids, and have had for five years now. Our most recent first was that my second child started middle school at the beginning of the week. And not that I wasn't nervous but knowing that her brother was with her at the same school made it much easier than when he started middle school last year. Talk to me again in two years when my oldest will start high school and I will probably be a hot mess. Not because he is growing up but because I am aging less than gracefully and I don't want two years time to pass. Or talk to me next year when my BABY starts kindergarten. That's probably going to be a hard day but she's been asking for school ever since she turned four.

They offer pre-kindergarten classes here but you have to qualify or you have to pay. Well qualification guidelines include 1-English is your second language, 2-you're a military family, or 3-income. We make $38 too much each month. So we don't qualify. If I want to enroll T into a preschool program it will cost me 3-5K for the year. I could have done one of the mom's-day-out programs but even that runs about 120/month.

Did I mention that we still own that house in IN? Did I mention that for months we have had to put our groceries on a credit card because we can't go without food? And the money coming in barely covers the money going out.

Ah, hear that? Three kids are out of the house

2010-08-23T12:05:00.000-07:00

Well, today is the first day of school for all my 'big' kids! I'm excited to get them to hear about their first day. Keaton is in seventh grade this year so he's pretty relaxed about hitting the middle school again this year. Sydney on the other hand is starting sixth grade, which in her world means anxiety. She's just like her dad-she really doesn't care for change. She's memorized the school map and her schedule. I've tried to explain to her that there will be people in the hallway helping the sixth graders get where they need to go but she's convinced she's invincible and can do all, be all, see all on her own! My 'baby' is in forth grade. She has a new teacher. She was still laying awake in bed at 9:45 last night claiming she was 'too excited to sleep!" I just about ran into her when I was walking out of my room at 6am! I'm sure she's going to be ready for a nap when she gets home.

I have high expectations for this year. During our orientation nights last week I talked to many teachers that had Keaton as a student last year and am convinced that he is underachieving. He's been placed in all Pre-AP classes this year with the exception of math. He's going to have to work a little harder to succeed this year! I don't think he realized that when he came home with the forms to fill out!

Sydney was in the GT program last year so she is automatically enrolled in all the Pre-AP classes this year with the exception of one class that the school does not offer in Pre-AP. She will succeed again. She will be too hard on herself and push herself as far as she can go.

Morgan is another story all together. I'm glad I don't have to compare my kids because they are all so different. Sydney is her father's child. Morgan is definitely mine! She's just not as in to school as the other kids. She's getting a little more excited about school. I think she likes that she's the only one left at her school. Next year the real baby of the family will start kindergarten and they'll both be at the same school for a year.

Tareyn was up last night and has once again lost all of her special privileges for the day. Again today, no leapster, no baby computer, no colors or coloring books, no playdough, nothing except the toys in the bins. No tv, no real computer (other than my music that's playing right now).

It's been a long few days and I can't wait to get us onto some sort of schedule again. I couldn't sleep last night because I was so excited to get started again. My goal for this week is to drink my 110 ounce bottle of water each day. If I have more than that GREAT but that's my daily goal. I'm not sure if my Bible study girls are going to come over early tomorrow to try and walk or not. We're going to make that a Tuesday morning thing before we start our study! I'm going to try and walk the mall at least two days a week, possibly three (aiming for Wednesday, Friday right now but I might add Monday in the mix).

We'll see what happens but I'm optimistic to see change.

Um, hi blog, it's me

2010-08-22T12:01:00.001-07:00

Well, it's been quite awhile since I've posted on here. I didn't forget you existed. I promise. I just didn't take the time necessary to rid myself of all my excess thoughts! Poor Corey has been having to listen to all of it!

Things have been ok here. My three big kids go back to school tomorrow and I cannot wait. Don't get me wrong. I love summertime but I'm ready to move on to what's next. They all start getting a little antsy toward the end of summer and basically become grouchy little beings. My girls have started having pms right along with me...even though neither of them have had any sort of visit from that fairy yet! So, once a month my house feels like a war zone and we all have emotional fits of sorts.

I wish I had something fun to say has been taking up my time but there is nothing. We have been surviving by simply surviving. God has taken care of us every time we've needed help. I don't want you to think my life has been a struggle every day but we have moved from one thing to deal with to another.

Our renters never contacted me so I re-took possession of my house on January 4th. They trashed the house before they abandoned it. My parent's started working on the house the next week-cleaning it out of garbage-they left enough stuff that we had to rent a dumpster. They are still working on it-seven full months later.

I feel like I'm lost right now. Running around in the wilderness. Indecision. Little time with Corey since he's switched to 3rd shift. I know that that little thing right there makes a big difference. I'm not upset that he's changed shifts. I know, in my heart, that this is the right place for him to be. I know that he needs to be in a third shift position. It fits his natural sleep cycle.

It just sucks because the kids spent a total of about 15 minutes with him when he was awake yesterday. I think I might be losing my mind. I know that 'this too shall pass' but it's always fun getting through it-whatever IT is today.

2010-03-02T06:52:00.000-08:00

I seriously need a break. Break something? Time out. Whatever. My three year old has stopped taking naps which means I have a kid UP MY BUTT at all waking hours of the day.

Same ol

2010-03-01T11:18:00.000-08:00

I have been 'dealing with' some issues lately and it seems like the same type of problem, as it is, comes up on a semi-regular basis. I don't even know how to explain this but here's my attempt. We still own a house in Indiana. We have been in Texas almost three years now. C was down here April 27, 2007. We had listed the house well before he moved down here. We knew that he was coming sometime in March and listed it as soon as we could. When it didn't sell quickly we were desperate to have money coming in or the house going away so we were stupid and rented it to people we had never met. They, at that point, promised to buy the house as soon as they sold their house in Florida.

Long drawn out story. Short version, they skipped out and owe us $6558.00 which skimps on late fees and what not.

I found out, for certain, that they had abandoned the house on Jan 4, 2010. I had, at that point, not received any money for any sort of rent since October 14 (which is late by the way).

Vomit

2009-12-09T19:30:00.000-08:00

I feel as if I need to vomit some of this crap out. I am holding on to a whole bunch of garbage and I need to get it out before I turn my head and puke it out on someone that doesn't need to be caught in it.

I've been dealing with stupid stupid renters for two years. I am at the end of my rope with them. They are stupid and will not give me a working phone number to be able to contact them. I'm done being nice. Their lease was up at the end of October and I sent them a renewal. Told them that they could re-sign and if they did rent would go up $150/month (rent has not increased in the two years that they've lived in MY HOUSE)...or they could go month to month but rent would increase $175/month. Well, I've not gotten a signed lease back from them so I'm assuming the larger amount. I told them that it was non-negotiable. So, since they don't want to pay the higher amount they decided not to pay at all. Oh, and they're still living there. Well, HELLO STUPID...if I was a charity I'd have my family members living there not paying me rent. Get out of MY HOUSE! And I can't call anyone cause the numbers I have for them have been disconnected. Tried to send them a certified letter and they aren't signing for it.

Our computer sucks. We, and by we I mean C, ordered the kids computers for Christmas. He ordered them Nov 28th just so they'd be here in time for Christmas. He got a phone call today from Dell that they canceled our order because of some authorization problem. Not a problem on our part but a glitch in their system...we got dell credit and they didn't recognize that. So, today, or last night, they canceled our order. They called C today to talk to him. Why could they have not called last night before the order was canceled to see what the problem was? Instead they canceled it and our order is scheduled to be here Dec. 30. Hum, not in time for Christmas. Stupid cuss cuss cuss. When they re-submitted the order today we got bumped to the end of the line. Even tho it was their problem we're going to miss out.

I'm half temped to say screw it and just get the kids dsi's for christmas instead. who knows.

Our internet connection sucks. I've been trying to check our bank statement for the last twenty minutes and my page keeps timing out and making me put my login crap back in. Time warner cable SUCKS.

Ok, think I'm done for now. still trying to check our balance. then bed.

Another day one for me please

2009-09-04T05:45:00.000-07:00

Well, today is going to be another day one for me. I've gained back more than half of the weight I lost over the last few years and it's time to part with it for good this time. I'm planning on having a nice strong start for 40 days in a row. Not sure why I picked 40 days. I feel like I'm running around in the wilderness not knowing what to do with things. So, forty days seemed like a good start. I'm hoping to drop at least 25 pounds in those days.

I've already had two shakes today and my water is more than half way down. Guess we'll see what happens. I've got a small throbbing headache going on right now. No biggie.

The vacation...it's over....

2009-06-29T06:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm awake. That's got to count for something. I'm tired. And crampy. My parents left yesterday afternoon. We had a blast! I know we didn't do everything that they wanted to do but we needed some easy days with no major trips just to be able to catch our breath again. We took an all day trip to the USS Lexington in Corpus Christi. It took us at least two and a half hours to get there. And that was with one stop each way. We did the Alamo again . And found one of the missions. Told them next time they come it needs to be in October or November because we'd be able to do more outside stuff. It was just a really hot week. We went to the duck pond at 9am one of the mornings. When we got home it was right about 10:30 and 94 degrees with a heat index of 103.

I decided to get right onto my diet and get moving again. I've blown up again. I can't find my little notebook. I like to keep track of my stuff. I need to finish cleaning now that my parents are gone. I got quite a bit of stuff done before they got here. Now I just need to finish organizing stuff. Anyway, diet...239.2. I'm hoping to drop big numbers this week. I need to drop at least 30 pounds and figure out how to KEEP it off this time. I know I can lose it, I just don't know what to do once I stop "dieting' cause then I gain it all back. YUCKO.

Ok, gonna go work on my latest project.

2009-06-01T07:08:00.000-07:00

I think I need a vacation from this life I've been living. I'm exhausted. I knew that having four kids would be work. I know that it's my job to parent them. I don't want to push that off on anyone. I just need a few minutes BY MYSELF to be able to save up some energy instead of giving it all away. I'm tired. I have PMS. I never get enough sleep. I'm cranky, grouchy, and mad all rolled up into one.

Tried to go to my second graders award show today. Stupid thing was supposed to start at 8:30. I signed in at 8:10. We, myself and the three year old, had to stand in the hallway outside the cafeteria for 20 minutes waiting. She decided to throw a fit. We never even got to go in the room because the school is so super organized and doesn't have an award show every day this week and two last week at 8:30. So, I never got to see what Ms. Morgana received as awards. Crab cried all the way home about wanting to get her sister. Well, it's bad enough that I get yelled at on a pretty regular basis but these other kids parents certainly don't need to hear it.

Once I got the monster situated and myself calmed down (self inflicted time out) I had to run out. I had to deposit money into the girl scout account. Decided to drive through Burger King to get some food for the monster to eat while I waited at the bank. Should mention that the bank is inside the grocery store so I was planning on picking some stuff up while I was already out.

Did the drive thru thing at BK. Waited 10 minutes from when I pulled up to place my order until when they gave me the bag. No thanks , no nothing. Ok, whatever right?? So, I go across the street to the grocery. Get a prime parking spot. Open the back door to get the kid out, grab the bag or food and NO potatoes. Now, normally, not such a big deal right? But I made the mistake of asking the baby if she wanted POTATOES. So, she's expecting them. Not a good thing.

Next step is into the store. Go over to the bank and hmmm, lets see, one teller working with the guy in front of me for 12 whole stinking minutes. I know, I'm anal and I like to know how long I've been standing here trying to entertain my kid so she doesn't start screaming at everyone else. There is another woman sitting at the desk. She even walked to the teller to help her do something. So,I wait and wait and wait.

Finally get on to shopping, by the time we get to the check out I end up picking the wrong lane and sit there forever waiting for this older couple in front of me to get finished. This cashier was nice enough. That's one of the things I drove all the way over there for, they're customer service is exceptional.

As I've been shopping I decided to go back to Burger King and get my hashbrowns. It really isn't the two dollars. It's about the fact that this particular bk sucks. This isnt' the first time they've 'forgotten' something in my order. So, I park, go in and I keep thinking, just smile and let them know that they forgot my stuff. Of course I get crab manager asking 'what's your problem' I guess they get loads of problems. I didn't even make it up to the counter.

Got home. Got the food into the house. Got my crab onto the toilet and she finally got rid of some extra weight. No wonder she's been so nice to everyone. I guess I'm going to have to start threatening her with those nasty little suppositories if she doesn't start going on a regular basis. I know, I know, tmi but she hasn't gone since Thursday. I'm going to have to start keeping track again. I thought we were past that.

She's sleeping and I'm trying to give all my drama away.

I'm tired. I've been on the verge of tears for days now. I just need a break but one without guilt. I hate that I can't sit down and do nothing without feeling guilty that I need to be doing something. My parents are coming...less than three weeks. My house is tore up from the floor up.

2009-05-08T19:16:00.001-07:00

So, sometimes, I feel like I have absolutely nothing worthwhile to say. Other times I feel like I turned on the faucet and can't stop the crap from coming out of my mouth.

Kids are in bed. I've taken an allergy pill and am waiting patiently for it to kick in. I'm hoping to pass out soon and be able to sleep in just a bit tomorrow. Six thirty or seven would be nice. I'm not scheduled to work tomorrow but I volunteered to cover for a friend that's been having some physical issues lately. I told her to let me know if she needed me to cover her. I'm going to call her by about two or so to see if I need to go in. I have to work from 7:45 til about 1:30 on Sunday. I get to see all my adopted children that day. I guess I'll spend the afternoon with my own kids. Sunday's are usually rough. By the time I get home and sit down for a few it's time to get up and get moving again. I have to feed the people. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I need to get more gas for the grill. I'm out so nothing grilled unless I get the motivation to go out and get one of the tanks filled tomorrow.

I guess we'll see what happens.

Like I said, nothin to say. Life is what it is.

HUH

2009-05-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

So, I just put the last of the kids to bed. She, one of the middle children, with the personality of a baby, had girl scouts tonight. I know that I haven't been nice enough to keep you up to date with the craziness that is our brownie girl scout troop. I honestly try not to think about it on a regular basis. We have had some 'issues' this year that I'd just like to forget and move past. I will now, however, have to fill you in on one of the mothers that basically accused me of abusing her child in a cafeteria full of people.

This was at the end of February and I apologized for any misunderstanding stating that I was most definitely not intending the hurt the child, only protect her from being walked on my a very big man carrying a box that blocked his view of this young girl. Well, this mom and I have had words, well, ok, she had words and I worked very hard to keep my words to myself. At that time I explained to the leader of the troop that I would no longer be considered a leader, I was not going to be 'in-charge' of other peoples children.

This mom has been very hot and cold with me since then. We went on a trip the the USS Lexington two weekends ago and mom did not go with. Just sent her daughter with us. She starts texting me asking me about daughter. Well, I end up having daughter call mom and that's that. Haven't seen either of them since.

On to the meeting tonight...I was late. Had to send the man with the baby middle child because I was watching the neighbors infant. When I finally come to the meeting I see this mom with another mom that I am not particularly fond of so I walk over to some other moms. Well, before the night is over I'm talking to the two moms-we're sitting on the floor in the hallway at the school because there was a meeting in the cafeteria-our normal meeting place-and crazy mom says to me, "I'm on a new med!"

Huh, I said, do you like it? Seriously, how do you respond to something like that? Seriously...

Can I just say that I guess that explains a lot of the behavior. She's got to have bi-polar or something. That would really explain why she comes in cussing some days and sweet and soft other meetings.

Life, maybe, I'm the crazy one? and she's normal? taking meds to make her normal? I used to get so angry when someone would ask me if I'd been taking my meds. Yah, f-you, whatever! You don't ask someone that?!@

2009-04-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

I feel like crying. This blog that I've been following for a few years off and on has just closed itself to the public. OUCH. I never wrote to this mom cause I never had anything worthwhile to say but I looked up her blog at least once a week to see what life she was going to make me laugh at this time. Even when I didn't take time to continue to write in my own blog I'd look this mom up. Once a week, catch up with her and read post secret.

I'm sad and I don't know how in the world to get a hold of her to say 'hey, I wanna keep reading and I'm not going to be a troll and just be mean...I just need to keep up with the peeps.' So, if anyone knows the blog, bite my cookie, tell me how to get a hold of the author. I want to send an email so I can keep reading. Somebody's gotta hook a girl up. Help me out.

My baby

2009-03-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

Typed this up yesterday. It didn't post and most of it was lost so I'll try again. I want to be able to tell my kids how cute they were when they were babies.

Ok, so I've been having a blast with the baby these days. She woke up from her nap just now and when I walked in her room to get her (yah, she's still all trapped in the bed cause we NEVER TOLD her it was ok to get out of the big girl bed) she told me that she has a surprise for me. I was nervously excited since she's decided to start gifting me her boogers lately. She asked me if I wanted to 'way down' with her so I got in the bed. She had her hands closed together and handed me my 'gift'. When I reached out to accept it there was nothing there. I asked her what it was and she replied "a pwesent fow yow". She was also nice enough to give me a kiss and cuddle. I love that she loves.

Has it really been that LONG???

2009-03-25T09:50:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to get on here one of these days to make a little noise. I've needed a place to vent and feel that my poor husband should not have to tolerate my rantings on his own every single day. Sometimes I just need someplace to dump some garbage and move on. That's all a girl's saying.

So, life, kinda kept on moving. Right on, with me just riding the current. I'm still fat. I'm still the mom to many kids. That stuff's all the same. Different...attitude, view of life, view of God and all that is God.

Unfortunately I have to do some mommy/wifey things and go balance the checkbook. I'll be coming back. I have to crap some stuff soon or the wrong person is going to get an earfull.

2008-04-22T07:06:00.000-07:00

So, um, things have been a little 'strange' in my world lately. Nothing too crazy. Just busy-ness on a pretty regular basis. I don't have the link to this page saved in my laptop so I only get on this site when I'm at the desktop which seems to be less and less.

Baby is going through a wonderful little phase these days. She's found her 'screaming' voice and she likes to use it. My big kids just keep getting bigger. I am only about two inches taller than my son. He's still trying to find his sense of humor and it gets frustrating some days. He likes to make smart ass comments about anything and everything. His sisters get tired of it too and they let him know. My oldest daughter got to take a trip to NASA in Houston with her girl scout troop a few weekends ago. While she had a great time she told me that she never wants to be that far away from me again. Miss Morgana needs more sleep on a regular basis or she's just cranky. She turned seven on Ap. 11. Time truly does fly sometimes.

Diet wise I'm stuck. I am now comfortably in my size 16 bottoms and XL tops. I can squeeze into a pair of 14 jeans that I have. And I will wear them out in public. I'm just at the point where I'm ready to be done. I'm done 'dieting'. I wanna live and eat. Know what I mean? I'm still losing but it's getting slower and slower all the time.

Anyway, that's my world right now. Just trying to keep up with everything that's been going on these days. The older my kids get the more there is to do.

Good morning

2008-02-18T10:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, afternoon maybe. It's noon and so far today I've showered...well, that's about it. I've been catching up on my one board. Things are crazy there. Some people seem to just want to cause drama. I'm glad I'm not part of it.

Kids don't have school today so I think we'll be finding something to do once the baby gets up from her nap. Maybe a park if it's warm enough by then. I suppose it just depends on how late she naps. I've got to get kids showered and what not tho. So I guess we'll see.

Not much going on in the household. Drama with my fam in IN. Just trying to stay out of it. My sister is a mess. She seems to think that she can blame life mistakes on being the youngest and not being 'perfect'. Honey, ain't no one perfect so stop the blame. She just doesn't want to take responsibility for decisions she's made in her life. And I think that everyone in the family is done dealing with it.

Okay, gonna go make a salad!

Been awhile

2008-02-08T08:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it's been awhile since I've written in here. Things have been so-so. I feel very wishy washy lately. Very up and then very down. We got our taxes deposited today so I'm feeling very happy. My husband got a raise at work so I'm feeling happy.

I can't seem to sleep at night so I'm tired. I want to sleep in the day and all I do is lay in bed thinking about all the things I should be doing.

So, what is going on here in my home? My kids are huge. I think my son is almost eye to eye with me. Not very comforting. The boy will be taller than me in no time.

We are planning on visiting IN this summer. Hub requested time off from work so we can ALL go. This will be our first real vacation together! I'm pretty excited about that.

One of my cyber buddies is coming to visit me sometime in March. That SOOOO gives me something to look forward to!

Ok, gotta go pay some bills!

Wanna laugh??

2008-01-16T12:59:00.001-08:00

Here's a funny little story just to give you your laugh for the day. My friend has this kid that does young astronauts after school most Wednesdays. She picks up both her daughters today and goes and waits for almost ten minutes wondering why the boy has not come out of the school yet. Said friend is smart enough that she reminded the boy that he would be having YA after school and she would be picking him up later. But she still stands and waits until oldest of the daughters says "HE HAS YA"

So, we're home now. One child less than normal. I'll have to go pick up the boy later.

So, I've been having some WOW moments lately. I know that this weight loss thing is supposed to be gradual to stick. They've done studies and all and have said that if you lose your weight at a reasonable amount per week you should be able to keep the weight off. And something like 90% of people that lose significant amounts of weight end up gaining it all back. So, I've been contemplating how I can be one of those in the 10% of losers that keep it off forever.

I still don't have a solid answer for that...I know you have to have a support system in place. I think that I have that. I have an email buddy that I am accountable to for all things diet. Unfortunately, I don't think that my husband would ever tell me if I were getting fat again. He's just not that kind of guy. I have a scale that I step on every single day so I think I would know if I started to regain and be able to stop it before it starts. I am hoping to break the scale addiction when I return to 'normal' and am of normal weight. Maybe I won't feel the need to step on it everyday like the whore I am and see what she has to say. I'd also like to think that when I'm 'normal' I can eat whatever I want and gain a pound. I KNOW that is untrue. I should have a plan but right now I am just so in awe that I have actually stuck with a diet and gotten to where I am today.

Of course that brings other things. I keep thinking 'I've come so far. I can stop any time now." "Oh, a little bite here won't hurt." I've been doing all of this self sabotage lately. Mind you the scale has not jumped up. I'm not 'cheating'. My inner self is just being overly active lately. I can hear her whisper all day. Sometimes she even YELLS at me. It's incredibly bothersome.

Ranting of a lunatic. Can't help it people. Just a few of the many things in my head.

The key to life...

2008-01-10T07:44:00.000-08:00

Hehe, thought if I headed it like that you'd be inclined to read??? Yah, well, I found the secret to my strength for daily life...SLEEP. I got home from boy scouts last night and took a benadryl (been having some sinusy issues). I was in bed by 9:30 and sleeping by about 9:31 :) I can remember waking up at some point thinking BATHROOM! I rolled over and slept until my alarm went off. No snooze today or there would have been a puddle in the bed!

Sleep and coffee. My parents sent me this box with the twelve days of coffee for Christmas and I've been checking the flavors out. Today was gingerbread. I shoulda just given it to the other lady I have coffee with but I didn't. Needless to say I dumped the pot out and had to make some regular coffee. I'm on my first real cupa the day.

Finally got word from the renters in our house in IN...they want to close after they close on their house in Florida so they can use the $$ they make from that for a down payment. I'm going to try and call my realtor today and let her know what's going on. I can't wait until it's done and over with. I'd like to be rid of it. It'll probably happen sometime in April or May.

Okay, need to move!

Ah, naptime

2008-01-09T07:54:00.000-08:00

I swear I'm going to go lay down on the couch and see about snoozing while baby is down today. I've stayed up past my bedtime the last two nights in a row. And let me tell you when my alarm goes off at 5:40 it's way too early for me to have to get up.

The boy has scouts tonight and it doesn't start until 6:30 so we'll probably be there until eight. That means later bedtime for the kids. They're usually in bed by 8pm.

Feeling kinda blah lately. Started doing some of that 'organizational' stuff I talked about yesterday. Going to get the finances organized and figured out. It's a little depressing when you look at it all on paper. I've sat down and written out how many debts we have, to whom the $$ is owed, how much $$ is owed, and the length remaining, and apr on each debt. I didn't have the nerve to actually total it all out. Now I have to do that and come up with a plan to get it all paid off SOON. I'm actually quite tired of living like this.

Okay, dishes and then couch.

And all that could have been

2008-01-08T09:54:00.000-08:00

I really wish I could shake this fog. I have so many things that I want to do and I just don't have the motivation to do them. I'm going to get organized in my home. We've been here since the first week of June and now I know where I want things to be. When we got here I just kinda put things were I thought they might go. Now that we've been here and I see how things work together I can see that I need to do some tweaking.

I had a great day yesterday with hub being home. It was nice to be able to hang out with just him and the baby. I was frustrated when we were at the mall but other than that it was a really nice day. He and I sat on the couch talking and watching tv most of the afternoon. It's nice because usually he's such a quiet guy. We actually joke about our conversations because usually it's just me going on and on and him inserting a grunt or yes every now and then.

Okay, I think that I might just be feeling overwhelmed right now. I had a nice little break down on the phone this morning with Kim from the cult food store. My stuff will be in the air TODAY she promised. I tried really hard not to be mean and I explained to her how hard it was hard not to get nasty but I was very frustrated because the woman on the phone last Wednesday promised me the stuff was in a box and ready to ship. So she'd have to forgive me if I didn't believe her.

Alrighty, going to go do some stuff and watch some tv while baby is napping. Have to go to Walmart after she gets up. Ugh.

Forgot to mention...215.6 today, was the same yesterday. Maybe tomorrow it will move again.

Fair warning

2008-01-04T17:51:00.000-08:00

Consider yourself warned. I could get pretty lippy with this one. I am MAD. Ok, PISSED IS BETTER. I joined this club right--kinda goes along with the cult--hehe, not really but it's part of the cult foods. So anyway, I joined this club. I get these auto ships of my cult food once a month. My ship date is supposed to be the 19th of every month. I had NO problems last time (NOV). I changed a couple of things this month. Talked to a real person to change. No problems right. Well, I think it was last weekend I realized I still have NOT received my Dec order. So, I drop an email to my contact and in short she deals with it first thing Monday morning. She called me at 9am and said ok, done. Well, I still hadn't gotten a confirmation email or a voicemail giving me a tracking number so I call cult headquarters on Wednesday and talk to real live person, Veronica, and explain, stuff should have shipped Dec 19 still don't know what's going on. Haven't had an email, no phonecall, what's going on. She ASSURES me that my products are in a box in the warehouse ready to ship because she can't see a ship date on her screen and that's what it means when it's not there.

So, fast forward to today. Still no email. Still no phone call. So, I decide to call again. Well, after being placed on hold for 17 minutes I finally get to talk to a real live person. The 17 minute wait had me a little miffed for starters. Well, when I explain to this girl, Sara, or Susan, or whatever, what has happened she asks me if she can put me on hold while she investigates the situation. After what seemed like forever-I listened to two songs on the ipod-she comes back and explains to me that the computer has made an error and my next ship date is sometime in FEBRUARY. *sidebar rant here--when I talked to Veronica on Wednesday she helped me get onto their website to see what was going on with my stuff and while I'm sitting in front of the computer while talking on phone with her I asked--this says that my next ship date is Feb 20, that doesn't make any sense. Even if this one is late I should still have one in January sometime.*

Back to today and little witchy on phone. I nicely explain to her that I am running LOW on FOOD and NEED this order. She tells me that the earliest it will ship is SUNDAY OR MONDAY. She also tells me that she will drop and email to her supervisor requesting that I receive expedited shipping at no cost to me. Now, I'm usually an even keeled person. I don't fault people for the mistake of computers. I'm asking her, so what you're saying is that I should have my stuff by next WEDNESDAY. At which point she reminds me that I am getting FREE EXPEDITED SHIPPING. At that comment I tell her that it's not my fault they made that mistake and since I was supposed to have my stuff TWO WEEKS AGO I darn well better get free super fast shipping.

So, I'm pissed to say the least. I really don't think I would have been so irate if she didn't act like she was doing me a favor by requesting that I get the expedited shipping. I get free regular shipping because I passed the $200 mark. Talk about shitty customer service.

Ah, out of my system now.

I did get a nice little heart rate rise when I got off the phone though. My adrenaline was pumping and I was angry so I acted like my stair case was in fact a stepper and I did about five minutes worth of stepping. I'm sure my buns will feel it tomorrow.

Okay, going to go pay attention to my husband.

What am I looking forward to?

2008-01-03T09:13:00.000-08:00

I was just reading some motivational posts on my one site and I came across this one...ten things that you are most looking forward to (or in my world, reasons I'm losing). In no particular order...

1. to be less than obese
2. to have the opportunity to buy cute clothes because I can
3. to weigh less than my husband for once
4. to set a good example to my children
5. to have less leg to shave
6. to WOW my family when I go home next summer
7. to give my husband a TROPHY wife! :D
8. I want to know what skinny feels like--it's NEVER happened for me before.

Okay, that's what I can think of right now. I know that there are more. Right now the biggest motivator that I have is going home next summer. I want to be at my goal by then so when I get out of the car people just scream!

I'm ready to focus on me. I have had a struggle with this simply because I've tried so hard to make everyone else happy. I am almost 33 yo and it's about time I start being selfish. If I don't take care of me then who will? And when I'm not here due to some weight related health issue who will take care of my kids?

Speaking of kids...baby is rustling around in her bed. Better go get her up before she strips herself again--her new favorite thing to do! Get naked and pee all over!

Welcome to the new year

2008-01-03T08:10:00.000-08:00

I am stoked about it being a new year. Don't get me wrong...I analyze things all the time anyway. New years just gives me a reason to set newer, updated goals. Within the next few months I will work on getting myself better organized. I am a stay at home mom and have time to do things when the baby is napping. When we moved in here I just put things where I thought I would need them. Well, after being here 6+ months I know that I need to rearrange some stuff.

I will continue on my weight loss journey. I believe that through all of last year I lost a total of 50+ pounds-solid-meaning that even with my most recent time off plan I've still maintained that 50. From being my biggest at 285 I have dropped just over 65 total pounds. Today I weighed in at 217.2. Well, here we go again. I've decided to set mini goals related to my weight loss. I will exercise daily--including walking when the kids go back to school, my breathing video, and maybe some yoga. I will check in with my email buddy daily--that's accountability for me. I will drink all my water daily. I will journal daily--maybe not always on line but that's okay. Some things are better left just for me. And I will eat on my plan daily. Those five things I plan to accomplish each day. I've also set a goal of being totally compliant until Jan 31 or Feb 1--depending. Weight wise my next mini goal is to get under my 211 roadblock. Both physically and mentally. Once I hit 210.8 my next goal will be to reach onederland. Something UNDER 200. After that I will continue to my goal of 170 ten pounds at a time.

I will get a handle on our finances. I have said for many years that if we did not have the debt that we have we would be just fine monthly. I would not have to worry about what bills to pay with each paycheck. I will figure out a plan to pay off some debt. First things first, I need to figure out exactly how much debt we have. Then I can figure out what % we will pay down in 2008. I will also start actively saving $$. Meaning, each paycheck I will deposit $$ into our savings account. I'm thinking of taking the kids to the library tomorrow and I will check out some $$ books. I've read parts of some that I think I'd like to explore further. Pay it down by Jean Chatzky and Debt proof living by Mary Hunt. Maybe I can start implementing some of their ideas.

Okay, that's all I can think of for now. Three newly revised goals. Best of luck to me and everyone else that uses goals to move through life.

2007-12-28T12:32:00.000-08:00

Man, I don't want to be cliche, but I'm really beginning to hate this time of year. I have been so down lately and I just can't seem to get my head back into it. My kids are home all week this week and next and all I want to do is nap. I'm not sure what my problem is. I've been away from 'home' at this time of the year many times before now. C and I are at a great spot in our relationship so that's not it. My kids are behaving as well as can be expected. I mean, they all got new ds games for Christmas so they've been spending a lot of time with that and then playing on the Wii when we let them.

I feel like I need a break. I just want to sleep. I'm hoping that I'm not slipping back into a depression. I need to remember to take my happy pills on a regular basis so I don't slip back into it.

I've been stuck in my head a lot lately. I have been 'off' my plan since Tuesday night. I made it through our turkey dinner with just my salad and some turkey and then boom in the night I ate all the sugar cookies my mom had sent us. Don't worry, she only sent six--one for each of us.

Like I said before, C and I are at a wonderful spot in our relationship. It's taken us a long time to get here but one of the first real signs of my depression is feeling like I'm all alone when I know that there are people around that care for me. Again, I don't know if it's depression or just this time of year and being away from my family.

My mom and I cried on the phone together the other day because we don't get to see each other. I got very upset with my sister on the phone when I called my parent's on Christmas. She was very short with me and then pretty much hung up on me when everyone got there. My mom didn't even know that I called. And I decided I wasn't going to call back to get my feelings hurt again. She was pretty pissed when she found out that I had called and no one told her. My sister is turning back into that person I can't stand. She is very selfish and it's not something that needs to happen when you have kids. She has some jackass living with her that hasn't held a real job since before he moved in--which was sometime before I moved to Texas. He had a job at the store where my mom and sister work but got fired for calling in too many times. Supposedly he was vomiting blood but never went to the dr. If he would have gotten a dr's note he would have kept his job.

I guess my sis has gone back to asking my parents for money on a regular basis. When I talked to my mom one day last week she's pretty much said that she's cutting my sister off cause she (mom) and dad are not working full time jobs so that jackass can sit on his ass not having a job.

Okay, need to go tend to the kids. Baby is napping and I need to figure out the food situation for tonight.

Tired, again, or still?

2007-12-20T13:42:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm tired most of the time these days. I'm not getting good sleep at night anymore. I went to bed late last night, well, incredibly late for me--10:30ish. When hub got into bed it woke me up--12am ish. Had to pee at 2:36am. Woke up again at 5ish, maybe had the urge again but went back to sleep. Alarm blared me awake at 5:40am.

I'm going to stay up tonight wrapping presents for the kids. Gotta see if I need to get anything else before the big day.

Gotta go figure out dinner and clean some stuff while baby is napping.

Crazy!

2007-12-17T07:47:00.000-08:00

Well, things have been a little crazy here lately. I've not been online since last Thursday if that tells you anything. Not that anything was wrong with the computer, there wasn't. I just didn't get a chance to get on here. C didn't go to work on Friday. We sat downstairs watching shows that we had dvr'd. Today I'm going to balance all the bills and hit Walmart when baby gets up from her nap. I feel like I have a thousand things to do. I'm going to go through all the things we've bought for the kids so I can see what I need to get. I have to get all the shopping done this week while the kids are still in school.

I'm feeling super stressed trying to figure out everything that I need to get done. And where is the $$ coming from. I wanted this to be a plastic free Christmas, first time in years. Well, that's not going to happen. We don't get paid again until Friday and I have to get the stuff this week. Not quite working out. I guess we'll see what happens.

Ready for bed anyone?

2007-12-13T08:27:00.001-08:00

I am and it's only 10:30 am. I've got awhile before I can sleep. I've been hiding out lately. Lounging on the couch when I can. I've been fighting a cold for a few days. I think that Sat I woke up feeling funny. Sunday woke up with a major sore throat and it's just gotten worse from there. Not really the flu but still sick. Pain in the butt.

So, when baby gets up I have to go get gas for my grill or we're having sandwiches for dinner tonight. I refuse to cook certain things in the house. Either it smells up the whole house or the food just doesn't taste as good. So, it's gas or sandwiches!

I've been catching up on this season of Biggest Loser while being laid up in bed. I am SOOO ordering the videos that Bob makes! They don't come out until Dec. 18th so instead of being my Christmas present they might end up being an early birthday gift to me. I love Bob and his is a cardio something. I can't wait.

Okay, have tons of housewife stuff to do, like laundry. Gotta go.

2007-12-07T07:03:00.001-08:00

I think I feel better today. I think that I am usually just upset by the time I get to the computer that I end up being all negative and grouchy. I got the baby down for her nap and I'm going to get some house stuff done.

I laid in bed thinking last night, something I normally do before I drift off. I am happy with where my life has taken me. I'm just frustrated right now. I guess I expected more. When I decide to do something I want instant gratification. I know, not always a possibility. And I know that when I don't see instant results I get frustrated.

I think this 'dieting' is affecting everything else in my life. I'm not losing as fast as I had and now instead of being upset and focusing on not losing as quickly I'm easier to anger about other things. After thinking about it I'm just mad that my body is being stubborn and holding on to the weight. I'm frustrated because even though I've dropped 70#s now I've only lost about 3-4 pant sizes. Went from a tight 24/comfortable 26 to a very snug 18. I know my body is different than everyone else's but it's frustrating.

Probably not the time to divulge information but the other night my husband commented on not being so comfortable because I was getting too bony. Now, that makes me happy cause I'm getting bony just not in the spots that I want or the spots that really need it. My ribs are poking him. I just can't seem to get rid of my stomach and my hips/thighs. It's just frustrating.

I keep thinking that I could lose another 20 pounds and probably be in the same bottoms. And under my girls is not going to get any smaller. My rib bones are showing. It's just frustrating. I thought I had come to terms with the fact that I'm a BIG girl. I can see now that I have not. I don't want to be stuck in an 18 forever. My dream would be to get my huge hips into a 12 so I can be somewhat normal. So, again, I guess that most of the time I'm fine with things and then I sit in front of here and type and negative comes out. Makes me question what that says about me.

On a positive note, it's Friday. I have NOTHING planned for the weekend. C has to go to work tomorrow to take some all day test to see if he can get moved to the next level. Here's hoping cause with said level comes pay raise. That would be a nice bonus. When the baby gets up I'm going to run some errands. Today was payday and I'm going to get some more Christmas stuff. Okay, gotta move or I'm going to get stuck here!

Hmm

2007-12-06T07:42:00.000-08:00

Happy? I don't know? I'm satisfied most of the time. Happy with where I am in this life. Being a stay at home mom. Being involved with my children. Happy that I've decided to do something about my health and in so doing I'm doing something about my weight.

I have been stuck in my head a lot lately. I've realized I'm vulnerable to other peoples emotions. When one of my moms visits me and they get all riled up telling me about something I find myself getting all riled up. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I am glad that I've connected with them. I can say that I have friends but I find myself obsessing about what I can do to make their lives better. Reading journals and blogs and emails I can feel the pain and fear of my friends. I know that it's normal to 'connect' with people and be supportive. But I seem to spend a lot of time trying to make other people happy and forget to look at myself.

When I find myself doing the above I end up pulling back into my 'shell' and just ignoring things. I have this wonderful little belief that if I ignore it long enough it will just go away. UM, NOT QUITE HOW THINGS WORK. And then I feel helpless. If I can't do enough.

Anyway, ramblings again. I'm going to start taking some pills again. And I really need to find a dr here. Just another thing to do while I'm online.

Grouchy anyone?

2007-12-05T08:47:00.000-08:00

Yah, I had my two servings today and am fully stocked. I don't know what my problem is lately. I'm just grouchy. Everyone makes me mad. I want to ask people 'where did you put your brain today?' I keep telling myself to get over it but so far I can't shake it. I got up this morning and did my usual scale dance (scale-pee-scale-shower-scale) and I got a good number 214.8. I should be happy. This is the lowest I've been in YEARS. I mean, like five years. So, I know I should be happy. Instead I'm sitting here thinking about how someone that is supposed to be my friend is just totally taking advantage of me. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to get away from it. I don't even want to answer my phone anymore cause I know she's going to ask me for something.

So, I need to get to Walmart when baby wakes up. I have some stuff to do after school today. The boy child has young astronauts right after school and then boy scouts at 6:30 which means dinner on the stove ready to go when I pick them up from school. Which also means I need to go clean the kitchen.

Thinking

2007-12-02T08:06:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately. I seem to reflect a lot more than usual this time of year. Of course things have been changing this year. I've come a long way baby. I keep thinking about where I was last year at this time. In Feb it will be my official one year anniversary on mf. I think about diet and exercise a lot lately. I think about being a good mom and not someone that's just around to fix the food and do the laundry. I think about being a good wife. I think about being a good friend. I think about where I've been and where I'm going in life.

At the beginning of the year I had a full time job that I mostly enjoyed. I had my youngest daughters in 'day care' because of it. I was living in IN. I weighed a whole heck of a lot more than I do now. Since Feb I've lost a total of about 50-52# at any given time. Total weight loss from my highest is 65-67#s.

Sometimes I feel like I obsess about diet and weight. It seems to be all I can think about sometimes. When can I eat again. What will I have next. Am I going to get my little exercise in for the day? How do I feel?

Staind

2007-11-29T19:19:00.001-08:00

When I weighed this morning I was at 218.8. Not bad. Five pounds since Tuesday. I've spent time on here today looking for cheap cd's and dvd's to get for myself and C for Christmas. I will make them be from the kids.

Not much going on in my head right now. Keep thinking of sleep.

Tired

2007-11-28T18:34:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. I guess I've been tired for some time now. I never seem to enjoy an entire night of sleep. I get up at least once a night for a bathroom visit. And lately at least one of the kids has decided to wake me to tell me, 1-they had to use the bathroom, 2-they had a bad dream, 3-they wanna sleep with me. So, I've been getting interrupted sleep a lot lately.

Anywho, this am I was 220.2. Hoping for a much lower number tomorrow. I set a mini goal to be at 205 for the end of the year/new years day. I can remember setting a goal to be at 215 the year Ms. Morgana would have been about 1.5 years old, that would have been four years ago. Pretty funny how your perception/perspective changes with time. When I got down to 215 at that time I thought I was hot stuff. Haven't felt so hot much lately. I mean don't get me wrong, things have been much better. I'm assuming it's my confidence with my smaller body. But being 220 now feels like 250 compared to being 220 four years ago. That probably doesn't make any sense to anyone but me. But again, this just proves that it's all in your mind.

I'm a people watcher. I watch people when I'm not eyeballing my children to make sure they're safe and all that. More and more I've noticed that I am not the biggest person in the world anymore. We had a 'roundup' type boyscout meeting tonight. I am comfortably in my 20's now. There were other moms there and while a couple were small the majority were larger gals. I can't get over how so many big girls are stuffing themselves into clothing that does not fit. As a big girl I love the big baggy stuff to 'hide' my flaws. I've noticed that a lot of larger moms (probably should be my size) are squeezing themselves into much smaller clothing (probably a 12 or 14 bottoms). Girls do you really think that no one sees that belly hanging over? And then I have to question, are they just in denial about how they've let themselves go or do they really think they look good like that? My sister did this after she had kids. She refused to admit that she had some flaws (VERY MINOR FLAWS) and she would stuff herself into her pre-pregnancy clothes. You should know that I would just about kill for a body like my sisters. Although she is a little rounder than most she is very attractive physically. She just needs to figure out how to work with what she has now instead of thinking she's exactly how she was pre-kids. Hm, where's this coming from? I'm not sure. I know that not everyone has foody issues. I just wonder if these girls that are having overhang are ok. Are they depressed. Has anyone taken the time out to talk to them and ask them how they are?

My cousin called me yesterday. My BIG cousin. We didn't have time to get into the whole diet thing. I just can't imagine going back to where I have been. I refuse to let it happen. EVER. I told my husband that he was allowed to shoot me if I ever did.

Ramblings of a lunatic I guess is what it is tonight. I lay in bed at night thinking about everything from the color of my bedroom to the true meaning of life and if there really is a Santa Clause Charley Brown. I'm just putting it down tonight. As I sit here smelling the popcorn my husband must have made. At least he didn't bring it up to wave in my face. He really is a good guy, my husband.

I sat on the floor to play with the baby today. I absolutely love being able to stay home with her. I worked on getting her to talk most of the afternoon. I finally got her to say 'cracker' only it was more like kah-kuh. But I know what she means. And she got the biggest kick out of me doing a happy dance every time she'd repeat it back to me and then say T-ank ou. She really is too cute.

Okay, bed is calling my name. Here's hoping it's only two wake-ups tonight! Maybe I can play nice tomorrow.

Begin again

2007-11-27T08:26:00.000-08:00

Woohoo! I got my order last night. At 8:05pm the doorbell rang and C and I just looked at each other and I said "WHAT? My friends don't come over this late!"

Well, he answered the door and it was a box! I'm so excited. I got my order! I've already had two shakes so far today. I'm not feeling too bad. I had my second shake about an hour ago. I'm on my fourth bottle of water. The baby and I will walk to get the kids from school cause it's supposed to be nice out. I'll take a lap around the subdivision before we go tho. I should mention that I was 223.8 this morning. I know for a fact that when I transition to maint. I should probably go a little lower than my goal weight just cause I'm probably going to gain some weight back. This was two days off plan. And I wasn't being bad, just eating 'normal' foods. Just much smaller portions. And not a lot of snacking going on.

So, I've been kind of blah lately. I have a whole lot of things to get done and I DO NOT feel like doing any of them. I have a friend that needs to do some sewing and she's had problems motivating herself to do what needs to be done. I love to crochet. I got my niece's blanket done and started another blanket. I'm so frustrated that I don't even want to work on it. It's going to be for my good grams. And I have no intention of having it done for Christmas although it would be a nice surprise to just mail it to her. Instead of working on it, I'm pissing myself off trying to get it done in time to surprise her so I'm not working on it at all. Pretty stupid right. Yeah, I know. Again, it's all in the mindset. I know I don't have to have it done but I've put a deadline on it. And instead of working towards that goal I'd rather pout and not work on the blanket at all. I mean, it's just a blanket. And she doesn't even know I'm doing it. So, no big deal if it's NOT done in time.

Again, all mindset. Same thing with the 'diet'. I know I shouldn't call it that. But for me to do it I have to say I'm on a diet. I can't have that. Thanks anyway.

Well, C had the day off yesterday so we decided to get some of the shopping done for the kids. I think that we have a majority of the gifts bought. I need to get at least one outfit for each kid. And some purple sheets to go with a comforter I bought. I'm going to get a Walmart card after Christmas and start putting $20 or $40 on it each time he gets paid. If I only do the $20 then I will have at least $440 saved for next year's Christmas. Now I just have to remember to do it. I vowed that we would not be using any plastic to purchase gifts this year (other than debit cards) and we have not used them yet. Also, we would not be behind on our bills just to be able to buy expensive gifts. I'm taking the lead of a friend in thinking about the gifts I will be giving instead of just getting something to be able to have something to give. I think that for my two new girlfriends here I will take a start off of my spider plant and plant them and give them a new plant for Christmas. Is that cheesy? The one girl just moved in down the street and I was going to do it as a housewarming gift. I also thought about doing little starts for both her girls. Jo got two spider plant starts from her teacher last year and she thought she was HOT STUFF! Plus the one plant has about ten babies hanging on it.

Okay, need to move and get some stuff done. Laundry, dishes, kitchen, read the Sunday paper.

Tired

2007-11-24T10:11:00.000-08:00

Okay, so my 'friend' showed up yesterday. As expected. Like I said, it took me awhile but I finally realized why I'd rather cry and scream than anything else.

Today I was 218.8. Ugh, I feel FAT.

I made it to the store yesterday but was stupid enough to forget my wallet at home so I had to RUN home and get it and go BACK to the store. At least the crowd wasn't bad.

Okay, have to get things situated for the party we're having. It starts at three so I still have three hours to finish vacuuming and get the food going. I'm feeding the kids mac and cheese and hot dogs.

PMS anyone???

2007-11-23T08:43:00.002-08:00

Okay, so I have some PMS related issues. Took me a few days to figure it out. My fuse has been incredibly short these last few days. I woke up today with a headache, normal sign of coming visitor, and said, hello, dumb ass, where's your brain been, no wonder you've been such a joy to live with lately.

So, I've claimed that. She still isn't here but at least I know why my boobs hurt and why I wanted to eat most of the day yesterday (I DIDN'T DO IT, btw). I threatened to eat the kids arms if someone didn't get their crap out of my way so I could make ANOTHER salad. I made it through the day though without wrecking what I've been working towards. Don't get me wrong, it was very hard for me. I got angry about it all when I started smelling all the smells but then I reminded myself that I needed to be grateful for what I have.

Anyway, when the rest of the fam here started to enjoy the pumpkin pie, which I hate anyway-but was talking to me, I decided to call my fam back in Indiana and talk to everyone that had gone to my p's to enjoy a feast. They passed me around and I have to say it was well worth it. My dad had my uncle make a dvd of all the pics they took while on vacation here. Well, when I called they were watching the pics. My fav grams grabbed the phone from my mom and just says oh my gosh Stephie, congratulations. Yes, my grams calls me Stephie, it used to be Stephie Dawne but I got her to drop the middle name years ago. Anyway, she was so excited to tell me what a difference she could see that she had grabbed the phone from my mom. I was so happy. I had to call my grams this morning to tell her that she made my day yesterday.

So, I was 216.4 yesterday. Today was 216.8. I know that it's PMS related. I wore a dress yesterday that I haven't had on in seven years. Yah, it was big on me but that's how I like them. My biggest 'problem' area is my stomach. I have a feeling it's never going to go away. I've decided that once I get to MY ideal weight I'm going to go have that dress altered to fit my new body. I'm keeping that one.

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I guess that being away from my family during holidays always seems to bring this side out. I know that it's probably not a good thing, but I'm glad that I didn't have to go to someone else's house for T-day. I'm not sure that I could have handled it. Plus, there is just so much drama in my family right now. I love my sister to death but she needs to act like she's an adult, not a 17yo kid. When I asked her about her idiot boyfriend she all of a sudden had to get off the phone.

Tuesday was my oldest daughters birthday. My sis called that night bawling from work. Not quite the happy birthday I was hoping for. After she talked to Josephina she tells me that I can't tell mom but her boyfriend might be the dad to some newborn baby. They have to do a paternity test to find out. I would think that this is not such a big deal since sis and said ass have only been together since March or April. The math does not add up. Baby would have been made before they got together right?? Whatever. I don't understand that ass anyway. He's happy hoping it's his cause he wants to know he can father a child. Same jackass that didn't hold a job for five out of the last six months. He doesn't understand why my sis hasn't gotten pregnant yet. Um, hello, do you REALLY need to bring another kid into it? My sis has two kids already. My parent's have to baby sit a couple of nights a week cause she needs the 'help'. I really don't think a baby would fix anything.

And then there's my other grandma. My dad's mom. My husband and I had a conversation about her last night. She is just something else. There's not really any way to describe her. She's one of those people. Living in denial. She's got to be pushing 300#. I get so angry when we have family things with her cause she's the one SITTING at the dessert table putting things in her mouth saying "I shouldn't be having this" as she puts the crap in her mouth. I don't know if I would have had the nerve to keep my mouth shut this year.

And my brother. Let's see...he comes up to my parents house so he can sleep for the entire time he's there. Not a big deal right? Except that he's got a six year old son that is very demanding of my mother. He only comes to visit so he has a babysitter. And I would have had to smack that kids mouth for ordering my mother around.

I am glad that I didn't have to deal with any of that yesterday. Between my pms and the 'dieting' I probably would have exploded on a few people. I'm glad I just had to deal with my own kids and the hub. Well, that and my own food issues and anger and all the baggage that comes with me.

So, today is Friday, and as much as I don't want to leave my house for fear of black friday shoppers, I need to go to the grocery store and buy milk, lettuce, tomatoes, bread and some candy for the goody bags for our party tomorrow. I am going to shower and then go once the baby gets up from her nap. I hope she wakes up in a good mood. And I hope all the crazies have gone home by the time I have to go out. The deals should be well over by noon right. Hopefully they don't all decide to go to the store once they've done all the other stuff.

Better??

2007-11-21T12:54:00.001-08:00

I guess we'll see. I just laid baby down. I hope that she decides to take a nap today. She has only taken a one hour nap so far today. With everything else that has been going on that just isn't going to work for me.

Diet wise, I'm on bottle seven of water (x16.9 oz=118.3 oz). Not completely done with it yet tho. Have only had coffee and one salad so far today. I'm going to go eat another salad when I'm done typing. I was 217.8 this morning. Attitude-not bad. I can't wait for my 'food' to get here. I will be a much happier person when I have some choices. I need some shakes. I'm so sick of the crap stuff that I have right now that I've been skipping my meals. I know, I don't need a lecture, that's not a good thing. I gave the same lecture to my mom when she was here. I just can't stomach the chic noodle soup any more.

My 'big' kids have stopped most of their drama. Six year old has been included with the others.

Okay, so, I know it's almost Thanksgiving, and I always seem to reflect on things that I am truly thankful for. This year will be no different. I am thankful that my husband is not an ass. He and I had to have that conversation again last night. I've told you about my coffee friends? Well, the one mom, D, brought her friend over yesterday. This is the first time I've met the other chica, H. Well, they both start going off on their husbands and what jerks they are. Something was on tv at the time and D says, man, can you imagine having someone love you as much as you can see him loving her (guy on tv looking at woman on tv). Why would you stay married to someone that you think is an ass? H, has a three month old, thinks she could be pregnant again, will find out Dec 3 if another baby (5mo) is her husbands. UM, HELLO! Stupid.

I am thankful that Corey and I are comfortable enough with each other now that we can talk about so many different things. I am glad that he is a good dad. I am glad that he has given me the opportunity to stay home with our youngest. I was a sahm mom for so many years. When I went back into the work-force it was necessary due to our financial situation. He hates change. And he took a new job and we moved so I could stay home. Of course it was something that we discussed, don't think that he just decided to get a new job.

I am thankful for my children and their health. Even if they do occasionally irritate me. I am glad that they are healthy. We have had no major illnesses this year. No hospitalizations. I am thankful that I have smart children.

I am thankful for new friendships. Whether in person or on my computer and telephone. I have a couple of new friends that I have come to cherish. I did not realize that for so long I was without true friends. I mean, I had some friends that I could talk to about SOME things but I would never bare my soul to them. I know for a fact that if I needed anything I could call my friend A! She's already trying to bend over backwards to make me happy. And NO not in a bad clingy way. She's a true friend. We actually have had conversations about how well we have connected. I swear she's like a long lost sister.

Okay, I need to do some stuff while baby is sleeping.

BAD MOOD

2007-11-21T09:03:00.001-08:00

Sometimes my kids just PISS ME OFF. I swear, I love them to death but some days they just PUSH MY BUTTONS.

Better

2007-11-20T10:15:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm feeling better than I have been lately. I'm still weighing daily. Today was 218.8. Same as yesterday. Not bad I guess. As I said before, I've been a little 'off' lately. Not quite sure what I was doing. Only half-assing the mf thing. More low-carb than mf actually. I ordered more food. That should help.

I guess I've just been in a funk with this attitude since before my parents got here. The whole 'poor me' dilemma. Why am I the fat one? Why is that I have to watch every single thing that goes into my mouth? Why am I not happy with the 66.2# that I have already lost? Am I really not happy? Wouldn't I be happy stopping now and just being satisfied to be the fat friend for the rest of my life? Why can't I have subway?

Anyway, this funk has been unbearable. I'm hoping to come out of the fog soon. I've tried to surround myself with supportive friends. My one friend, the same that would unintentionally sabotage me, is very supportive now that I've explained things to her. She even argued with me when I said that I would be taking time off when my p's were in town. Her argument was "you've done so well why stop now?"

She has been awesome. It's funny to be 32 and be able to say I have a best friend. I haven't had a close female friend for a very long time. I mean, I was civil to the women that I worked with. Just not on an intimate, share secrets, kind of friendship. She's a few years older than I. We both seem to be heading the same direction in life. Maybe a little different than what others are doing. We both seem to be extremely focused on our kids. Something that I don't see a lot of these days. And we're both loving wives.

Speaking of hubs. After spending time with other people I have started to tell him nightly, "thanks for not being an ass". I just don't understand women who live in a bad situation. Don't tell me you love him bossing you around and being an all around jack ass. So, anyway, I love my husband. It's taken us a very long time to get to this point. A lot of insecurity along the way, mostly one sided (ME). But, we talk now, and I think we understand each other better than we ever have. I always thought that we were soul mates. We just clicked. But it takes a lot of energy to share yourself with another person.

Okay, after talking in circles I'm going to go work on dinner. I need to make stuffing for girl scouts. They're going to go feed the fire-fighters.

Out of sorts

2007-11-19T13:24:00.000-08:00

I have been somewhat out of sorts lately. I am of course, analyzing everything. I posted on my board and was totally honest. I still don't feel as if I belong there but I feel much better about being honest. I have been less than diet obsessed for a couple of days now. I even had two soft shelled tacos at dinner last night. I know that throws things out of whack. I need to do some research online and find out exactly how many carbs I can eat each day. I've only eaten two salads so far today. I've got a ham in my roaster and will have that and a salad at dinner.

I gotta make a phone call.

Here, again

2007-11-16T07:17:00.000-08:00

Well, this would be day two in a row. I'm sitting here with a knot in my stomach. There are so many things going on right now. I just don't get the computer time I want. I should be downstairs cleaning and then doing my strength exercises. Instead I'm sitting here on the computer while I actually have a few minutes. I put the baby down early for a nap. I'm going to try and run some errands when she gets up. I need to hit a Wal-mart and after that I don't know what I'll do. I'm hoping to be able to walk to get the kids this afternoon. My two big ones are going out with Ms. Alice after school. I might have her daughter while they go but I'm not sure yet. I feel bad because she wants to take my kids. I just want to enjoy the quiet. I'll have to see how Morgan is after school before I say yes.

I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't focus on my lack of friends here. My new neighbor down the street, D, is wrapped up in her own stuff right now. Her husband seems incredibly controlling and it's harder and harder for me to keep my mouth shut when she starts telling me what an ass he is. She is such a strong woman. I can't see her putting up with any of it. He makes me feel very trashy when I'm around him. Like I should live in a trailer park or something. They just bought their house and went out and bought almost all brand new furniture...sectional sofa, dinning table with chairs, a bistro (?) table, two new beds, and a whole load of misc. stuff. My other friend gave a box spring and mattress to them and when we stopped to drop it off controlling husband looked like his eyes were going to bug out of his head. He didn't even want it in the house. She just kind of laughed it off. I keep thinking about it. I don't think that I'm jealous. She actually gave me two loft beds that they don't want anymore and I'm soooo excited to get them in the house and put them up. I just can't imagine being so snooty as to not accept something that someone has given you because it's not brand new.

Okay, so, let's move on. I'm going to call my friend in Ohio as soon as I'm sure the baby is down. I need to sit down and figure out the bills for next Friday when hub gets paid again. And then I am going to get moving and get stuff done so I can enjoy my shopping day out after naptime.

Another day...

2007-11-15T08:46:00.000-08:00

I swear to myself that I'm going to get on here daily and write. Not for you, but for me. It makes me feel much nicer when I get my shit out. And then I skip days cause crazy shit happens. I had to get Texas plates for my van. Nasty woman on the phone says, 'you know they can repo your van if you don't get your plates switched over'. Um, no, I didn't know that. But you really don't need to be a bitch about it either. Ask nicely and I'll get it done.

So, spent about three hours yesterday from when we left the house to when we pulled back into the driveway to get that shit done. I got pretty pissy with the window lady. I had called there yesterday morning. Wanted to make sure I had ALL the stuff with me. My friend was driving me down and I don't just live down the street--what do I need to have. Woman on the phone is saying things and I'm asking, this is what I have is it enough or do I need to go find actual insurance policy. No, glovebox card is enough. Get downtown and woman at window says, um, need to know coverage this won't work. Again, friend took time out of her day to drive me down there cause she has gps in her truck. Woman calls supervisor and supervisor says well, woman on phone didn't know you were from out of state. I politely say, yes, maam she did cause I said, I'm relocating from Indiana and I need to have Texas plates and registration for my van. WHAT DO I NEED? I also made sure that they would not be going out to check vin or any of that on the van since friend was driving. I made sure to tell woman on phone this information.

So, after a very red face, and loads of time filling out much paperwork-some forms even twice-I have plates for my van. After Christmas I will go get the shit for hubs car. NOT GOING TO DEAL WITH THAT ANYTIME SOON.

Diet wise I'm doing fine. Today is day three back on plan. I gained nine, yes, nine pounds from Oct 31-Nov 12. I weighed in at 227 on Tuesday when I started up on mf again. Today it was 222.4. Not bad for two days right? I need to get ahold of my buddy and order some food.

Okay, gotta get moving so I can get to the store when baby wakes. I have to go get some stuff out of friends garage that she's giving me (loft beds) at 1pm and I need groceries before that.

Ranting of a lunatic

2007-11-12T16:46:00.000-08:00

That's exactly how I feel these days. I mentioned before that I seemed to unknowingly join a cult??? I enjoy this 'fat girl board' as I call them. There are a few boys on board, not to be discriminating. Anyway, my 'diet' of choice is medifast, most of the time, and I found this board. I thought said board would be awesome to join in on. Lots of support and encouragement. No blatant flaming going on during my lurking. I have limited computer time. Easy to log on and fill my cup with positive vibes right? Wrong. I cannot stand small minded people. People who believe that the only way to do things is their way. There is never any middle ground. Never grey, just straight up black and white. Right or wrong. Win or lose.

Well, I'm sorry that I don't fit your little cookie cutter mold. I like to be different. That's just part of me. Hub and I joke that it's nice to be different, just like everyone else. But seriously. How boring would life be if everyone was exactly the same? Believed the same things. You cannot go through life with blinders on thinking that there is only one way to do things. Maybe I am just crazy? At my last job I had to train people for their positions. I would always start by saying, 'this is how I do it, once you figure out what needs to be done, you'll find the way that works best for you' and I'd leave it at that. Pretty simple really. This is what needs to be done, this is when it needs to be done, here's all these other things you can use to fill time, figure out what works best for you. I don't want to live with machines. I want humans with feelings and thoughts and beliefs.

Point of this rant...the majority of the people on that fat board believe that mf is the only way to go. It's totally mf, totally compliant, on-plan or you can't be successful. When I began this re-start in August I had every intention of only working it for two weeks and then moving on. I wanted a quick start. I've worked it much longer because I had the supplies to do so. With $$ being a little tighter since we've moved I've had to rethink things. I know that I do not need to eat out all the time and spend $$. I also know that I'm not going to mf for the rest of my life. I'm okay with that. I'm not going to be the skinny little anorexic type. That's just not me. I want to keep my curves just lose some of the pudge. That's all.

Okay, rant over, I think, for now. I need to put my over tired behind to bed and sleep on it.

Can't sleep...

2007-11-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

Well, my parents flew out this morning. It was a very nice week while they were here. Now it's just depressing. They told my kids bye last night before bed. All three of my big kids went to bed crying. They were all very upset to see the grandparents go away. And we're not sure when we'll see them again. Corey and I were talking about taking a vacation in IN next summer. Maybe around the fourth of July.

The week was crazy in and of itself. Kids were still in school. Parents got here Friday night a week ago (in the middle of the night again--11pm or so-way past my bedtime). We got up and spent some time together on Sat. Took the kids to the duck pond to feed all the ducks and then play on the toys. Had to hit a store after that so the p's could get all their bathroom stuff (didn't want to bring it in their luggage with them).

Don't think we did anything on Sunday??? Just did a lot of hanging out together. Spending time playing in the back yard. We had to hit the grocery store cause I didn't have carrots to put into the roast for dinner.

Monday and Tuesday Corey took off work. We went into his office on Mon. so the p's could see where he worked. Also got to see that part of town. We went to lunch at this local steak buffet. I didn't even have any steak.

Wednesday we went into the school and had lunch with all three kids. That was VERY time-consuming. Miss Morgana eats at 11:20, the boy eats at 11:50. And Josephina didn't come in until 12:10. It was also fun to try and entertain the baby that long. I think that I might go in once a week to eat with one kid. After we did lunch I drove the p's by the library and then around Lackland. My dad loves airplanes. Every since Sept. 11th they won't let anyone on base that shouldn't be there. So, we just drove around a lot.

Wednesday the boy child had young astronauts after school so we really didn't plan much. We took walks almost every night after dinner. I don't think that I walked less than five miles each day the p's were here.

We took the kids to Chuck E. Cheeses on Thursday night. It was nice. We got there around four and we were the only ones in there for like 30minutes. Then one other mom came in with two kids. I think we spent about three hours there. After a couple of hours it started to get a LOT busier.

Friday we went downtown after the kids got out of school. They only had a half day. We went on the Riverwalk and went to the Alamo. I was totally impressed. Corey has the 26th off this month and I told him that I wanted to go back downtown next time he has a weekday off. I had to fight a little with the baby to keep her in her stroller. But other than that it was pretty awesome. We did the boat ride tour thingy. I got to see the Christmas tree up at the river mall. I also found the IMAX theater (it's at the mall). I could have spent a LOT of time checking things out. We walked past a wax museum, the Guiness Book of Records Museum. I found the Children's museum. Plus all the buildings were just awesome. I'm not sure who but someone told me that I probably wouldn't be very impressed with the Alamo but I was. I could have spent a lot of time there reading all the displays and checking out all the grounds.

It was such a nice time to have the p's here. We didn't have any really stressful or crazy times. We had to rearrange the sleeping arrangements again. We put the airbed in the boys room and moved his bed out to the family room. That way mom and dad could share a room and everyone had a bed.

I'm so tired right now. I got up at 3:15 to be able to wake up a little before having to drive them to the airport this morning. I was back in bed before five. Baby was up at seven and was not very happy. She didn't get changed during the night last night so she was soaked. She's napping again. I tried to lay down but I can't sleep. Miss M was nice enough to try and give me a foot massage so I would go to sleep. It really just tickled sometimes.

Okay, kids are watching Spiderman 3. I'm going to go see what's happening and then fix some lunch. I think I'm done with this novel.

Oh, and I forgot to say C got called into work today. UGH. And I have NOT stepped on the scale this week cause I was TOTALLY OFF PLAN. I enjoyed too many treats. Either tomorrow or Tuesday I will rejoin the dieting community. *MORE ON THIS LATER. I didn't realize I joined a cult*

Forgot...

2007-10-31T13:40:00.000-07:00

Forgot to say that I am so incredibly tired these days. I've been waking up at least once a night, if not twice, to hit the library. I drink too much water too close to bedtime. We're going trick or treating tonight. I've got on my horns and tail. I'm taking the new neighbors daughters with us. New neighbors will be closing on their house (should be signing 500 pages of stuff as we speak). The one guy told them to plan on being there for four to six hours. Can you imagine? I know it takes awhile but man, six hours? So, their two daughters will be joining us for the goodies.

I hope that there are actually people here in the subdivision that will be participating. But who knows. Things are so different here. Halloween seems like much more of a 'cult' type thing here. Not the sweet innocent fun that we had back in IN. I haven't wanted to watch the news lately because they've been finding mutilated cats all over. One woman had her cat taken and a few days later half of the cat was in her driveway. So, yah, things are different here.

I feel like the grouch goddess lately. I have no fuse to speak of. We got home from girl scouts last night and I just wanted to scream. I know that the girls are wound up when they're done but enough. Settle down already. I think we're going to start walking to the meetings because at least we'd have time to get some energy out on the walk home. I told them last night that if they keep acting like fools they won't be allowed to go back.

Okay, making frozen pizza for dinner but I need to go get my salad situated while baby is napping. Maybe I'll work on my blanket for a bit.

Ah, Halloween...

2007-10-31T13:23:00.001-07:00

Gotta love busy days. Sometimes it makes it easier to stay 'on-plan', and sometimes easier to fall off...

I've only been half-hearted lately anyway. Not quite there mentally. I keep debating in my head about taking some time off. I need a break. When I started doing medifast it was with the full understanding that this would not be a forever thing for me. It would be a nice kick in the right direction. I've been doing this consistently for over two months now. Yah, I've dropped almost 30 pounds in that time. That in and of itself is a nice boost in the ego. But when I feel deprived daily it's not right. I know my female issues aren't helping this at all. I'm emotional and I'm trying not to make any rash decisions because I want to do something stupid. But a turkey sandwich from Subway is not a BAD thing. And I shouldn't have to stay away from all carbs. Eventually I'm going to have to face real food. I'm thinking that I will schedule a two week break. Yah, I might gain some weight. I think I'm okay with that. We get paid our rent on the seventh and I could place an order for bearable foods then. I am not giving myself the right to go crazy with food. I'm giving myself the right to eat a sandwich every now and again. NO, I will not add back pastas and rice with dinner. I can continue to make it for the rest of the family and not put it on my plate.

I'm sure I will be reprimanded on the board. And I'm sure five thousand people will try and talk me out of it if I even have the nerve to post that I'm thinking about it. I've not posted on the board lately because I feel false. I had my bad day on Sunday and haven't posted since before then.

Good morning world...

2007-10-30T07:53:00.000-07:00

Well, we didn't make it over to pay rent yesterday so that is on the list of things to do today. I'm going to have to hit target to get some fake glasses for my oldest daughters character costume...kids can come to school in a costume if they are a character from a book AND they bring the book to school with them. Oldest wants to be Junie B. Jones...have to figure that one out. The boy will be Harry Potter. Younger daughter is going to be Cinderella, I think--that was, as of bedtime last night. I will put the baby in her Magenta costume before we walk over to the school to see the character parade at 2pm.

So, lets see, bought a shampooer yesterday and it is awesome! It has removed all the drops of who-knows-what from the spill-proof cups off the floor. The big red kool-aid stain is still there but I had a suggestion from a friend to try that oxyclean on it and see if it helps.

No major news to report. I've gotta clean some bathrooms today and play with the carpet cleaner some more!

Diet news-stepped on the scale today. Glad I didn't do it yesterday. Was 218 on Sunday then had that bad day. Today scale said 220.4. UGH. Can't even imagine what she would have said yesterday. Had a great compliment after school yesterday. I chat with my two mom friends after school. We were walking towards the parking lot and one of the mom's starts yelling that she has to tell me something (I was walking a ways in front of them at that point). I wait for her to catch up and she tells me that she could really notice a difference in me today. She said to me that when I was walking my butt looked smaller. I about kissed her. Well, then this morning my other mom friend said that when me and first mom were walking we had on same kind of bottoms and from the back we look the same from the waist down. Mind you mom #1 is in 14's. I'm in 18's now. I am stoked. It's nice to hear things from people that I'm seeing daily. Now I really can't wait for my parents to get here. I want my momma to see me.

When I started doing MF I wasn't sure how long it would last. I am now down over 50#s with it. I've set 170 as a goal weight but am not sure about that. I don't know if that would seriously be comfortable for my body. I don't want to have to 'diet' forever. I'd like to get to a weight that I can maintain and still eat some foods. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've never actually seen myself succeeding on this weight loss journey. I figured that I'd give up when I'd lost 30 or 40 pounds and just be satisfied. I am satisfied with what I've done so far, don't get me wrong. I'm just not satisfied enough to stop yet. I keep thinking that if I can get my body under 200#'s I'd be happy. I've said that for a long time. Again, at that point I'm going to play it by feeling and see how my body FEELS and what I'm comfortable with.

I don't want to make excuses, or have anyone think that I'm just making excuses to be able to quit. I just know that my body is never going to be small. I'm going to have to find some pictures of me in HS and post them on my MMT board. I've got one from me during my junior year when I started my first diet. In the picture I was between 185-190# and you really wouldn't know it. I'm thick--solid, I guess would be a good word for it. Again, not trying to make excuses, just being acceptable to what I have and what I've been given.

Okay, going to go play with my carpet shampooer for awhile.

Hello Monday

2007-10-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Monday again. I did it...I hit my half way mark. They do 'roll-call' on my one board on Sundays so that has become my weigh day. I was 218 even yesterday. That puts me down a total of 52#'s since Feb. And 67# from my heaviest weight of 285.

I then proceeded to have a terrible horrible no good very bad day. I was walking into the kitchen at about one to make my salad for lunch. My phone rang and it was younger daughters scout leader calling to say the nuts were in, needed to come pick them up. Called other leader and could pick up other daughters nuts at her house after picking up for younger. Well, I should mention that most Sundays I do not shower until baby takes her late nap. So, instead of eating, I decided yes, I most definitely needed to shower cause I had some funky bed head going on. I also needed to go to Target to get bags of candy for girl scout parties while I was out. So, I was already going to be eating late at lunch by having lunch at one. Well, I took my water with me and just kept chugging. When I got home I decided I was having a sandwich. I was dying and it was the fastest thing into my mouth. Well, I did doritos with the sandwich. Later I had some cheese nips. It was just not good on my part.

I should also mention that I'm having female issues. My body does not seem to like the amount of weight I am losing and instead of stopping my cycle it has only increased it. I am now having my period for the third time this lovely month of October. YES THIRD. My pms monster is unbearable once a month not to mention the three times I've had to fight her this month. Let's just chalk yesterday up to her. Me-two; pms-one. I'm still the winner tho right?

Well, I did NOT have the nerve to step on the scale this morning. I knew that it would just spiral out of control if I did. I have been up since 5:45 (had to hit the snooze once). Had one shake so far, two cupsa coffee, and three bottles of water.

Baby is napping nicely now. I'm going to go figure out the bill situation. We're going to go pay the rent when she gets up and then hit walmart. I can't afford an order of my food but we're going to go buy a carpet shampooer. If we don't get one soon there's no way I'll be able to save the poor cream colored carpet in this house. I'm not going to lose my $1050 deposit either. I've already made the house pmt for Nov. so when we get the rent on the 7th I should be able to use some of it for an order.

I've also been considering altering 'the plan'. I can't post this on the board because I don't want to be exiled. Someone told me that she uses skim milk for a supp when she's running low on her supplies. I might do that. I can get a gallon of skim for about $3.50 versus the 200-300 I spend on an order. Maybe do the skim thing for three 'meals' a day and then use the chic soup I have for one meal and then whatever for the fifth. I don't make it public on the forum that I don't follow 'the plan' as written. Occasionally I only have four supps a day. As long as I keep seeing some results it's better that quitting totally and starting to gain because I'm eating "normal" again.

So, that's my diet life in a nutshell. I haven't talked to my sister for about a week and a half because she can't pay her cell phone bill. I know I've complained about her life before but I still love her and I miss her. I'm actually going to use a pen and paper and write the girl. I have no idea what's up with her. My mom gives me some info but like I said before, she calls me to forget about having to help my sis out all the time.

My new 'neighbor' is supposed to close on her house on Wednesday. She said they'd be moving in the same day. I can't wait. I want to start walking all the time. She said she's put on a little weight and wants to walk it off with me. I'm so pumped. It always seems easier to do things when someone is doing them with you. At least for me. I mean, she's only got about 15 pounds to lose, I'd say, but I'll take any company I can get.

Kids are doing as good as can be expected. We had issues with Josephina's teacher last week. I went in on Wednesday to talk to vice principal about it. Teacher came off the handle and yelled at the entire class because they all failed some practice test. Jo came home telling me how stupid she was and that teacher had taken away all privileges like tv, games, sports because the class had done so poorly. Mind you this kid gets straight A's. Nothing lower than a 95 in any of her graded subjects. So, um, excuse me crazy lady, stop calling my kid dumb. I know you're frustrated but BACK OFF. They took the REAL test on Wednesday and MY KID scored 100%.

Little man is struggling a bit academically which is a surprise for us. He's not as strong in Math as he had been. His teacher keeps telling me to relax. He starts his Young Astronaut Club next week when grama and graps are here. He's pretty excited. He's started his own little count-down for that.

Miss Morgana's teacher approached me after school at the beginning of the week last week because of some playground issues. I think the issue is resolved. Miss Morgana needs about 16 hours of sleep a night to be nice. Sorry girls but she takes after her mommy and her gramommy before her.

T has developed a new personality. My girls come over for coffee a few times a week and when they knock on the door she takes off running and screaming for the door. I'm glad she can't open the doors yet cause she would take right off out the door. She loves having new audience members. She must think I get stale! I guess I need to laugh more when she's performing for me! She's been trying to do summersaults and has not quite mastered the whole flipping over thing. She usually ends up just 'standing' on her head with her butt up in the air.

Okay, if I don't end this soon then I won't know which bills to pay and how much $$ we have to spend at wally world.

Is it naptime yet?

2007-10-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

I am sooo ready for a nap. I'm going to try and lay on the couch while the kids are doing their homework. I just don't know what my problem is lately. I went to bed around 9:30 last night. Woke up at 1:30 to pee. Got back in bed to a snoring hub and decided to sleep in the uber comfy recliner instead of having him snore in my face :D Alarm goes off at 5:40 daily. So, I get enough sleep.

Who knows? Baby is on her second nap today which makes my life much nicer. Gotta go feed the monsters. They haven't had their after school snack yet...hehe instead of typing snack I typed nap...can you tell what I'm thinking?

HELLO WEEKEND

2007-10-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

I love weekends. I love sleeping. I was lucky enough to get to sleep in until 7:45 this am. I LOVE THAT! It is so much better than 5:45. Corey had to work today. So, I'm getting ready to take a shower. I'm switching the girls rooms today...baby is getting her own room and two older girls will become roommates. I'm sorry that they have to share but it seems like the best solution right now. Baby goes to bed at 7:30 nightly. She falls asleep and then wakes up either right before we take sis in to bed or as we're taking her in. Baby has been waking up to play or sing at night. Luckily I don't think she wakes sis up but sis has had an 'attitude' problem lately and this could be a contributing factor. Baby is then woke up between 6:20-6:30 through the week when I get sis up. Sometimes it makes for bad days. Grouchy babies that can't get enough sleep. It always seems that when she's had a rough night/early morning I can only get her to take one nap a day instead of her regular two. So, that doesn't help either.

Of course we'll probably have a rough go tonight since it's going to be something different.

And of course, I'm 'cheating' on my plan tonight because hub and I will share a bottle of wine after the kids go to bed. We got a call on Monday night with a 'lease' proposition on our house in IN. The people are moving in as we speak. They deposited $350 into my IN acct on Tuesday so I know they're serious. We decided, okay, I decided that tonight would be a good night for the wine. I know that it will take me three days to get back into the swing of things but I'm okay with that. Life calls for a little celebration.

We won't be getting our full house payment out of the property but we're only going to be short $150/mo. Better than having to come up with the full $850 each month. I'm going to talk to my dad about refinancing. I have no idea how that works but my realtor told me it might be something to check into. I guess we'll see.

Well, I have to shower while the little one is sleeping. (forgot to mention 220.4 this am. will have to wait and see what it says tomorrow)

2007-10-18T09:13:00.001-07:00

I feel like I neglect so many things. This blog, my email buddy, my friends...

I have been caught up in my own head lately. My parents are coming out in 15 days and I'm thinking about that a lot. I've been caught up in my weight issues and the scale not moving as rapidly as it had. My sister is having issues and as terrible as I feel for her I want to tell her to do what needs to be done and move on with it. I can't do anything for her financially so I'm sitting here feeling helpless for her. She is overwhelmed. I would love to talk about it, to my mom or grams. My mom is living it tho and I think sometimes she calls me to be able to 'get away' from the issue and not have to deal with it for awhile.

I weighed in at 222.8 today. I'm constantly trying to be 'good' and stay on plan. I need to get to my emails and mail my friend from the board I'm on.

2007-10-06T11:35:00.000-07:00

New day, same weight...227.8. Ugh. Still trucking. Was on plan all day yesterday.

Okay, so scratch that...

2007-10-05T07:58:00.000-07:00

I was 227.8 today. I know, I know. My own fault. Alice came over with breakfast yesterday. And I thought, well, it won't hurt too much. I'm going to have to learn how to eat sometime, why not today. Let me just say, I PAID FOR IT. I have chrons disease and my intestines paid me back. I'm going to have to talk to her. I've told her before that I'm on a plan. After school today I'll have a chat and let her know that I can't spend another day in the bathroom ALL DAY.

So I had a great little 'accomplishment' last night. C and I still tuck all the kids into bed at night. I was in Syd's room talking to her and she stood up and hugged me. She looked up at me and said guess what mommy, my arms go all the way around you now. I about cried when I walked out of her room.

Okay, spent too much time in front of the computer today. Gotta get moving.

Happy Dancin...

2007-10-03T07:52:00.001-07:00

226.6 today on my scale. I'm happy dancing all the way to the bank with that. Meme is down for a nap so I'm having some uninterrupted computer time. Thinking of all the things I should be doing right now. Like laundry, and vacuuming, and kitchen clean-up. She only 'let's me' vacuum while she's up. If I let her in the laundry room she terrorizes anything that I might have had clean!

Okay, going to move again.

Maybe it is safer here, but...

2007-10-02T14:33:00.000-07:00

I still want someone to interact with. My MF board is getting hoakey right now so I've not been doing a lot of posting there. I guess I still feel like an 'outsider'. I love using the journal over there though. At least I get a little input. And I guess that I've always believed that people have to do what works for them as far as weight loss goes. If it's a great plan but you aren't going to stick with it then NO it isn't going to work for you. Period.

Well, weighed in at 227.6 today. I've been getting scale love lately and I'll take it. I've decided that I'm going bottom shopping next Monday when C is off work and can keep the baby home. I'm excited. I also thought that if I wait that long and keep on track I might possibly buy 18's instead of 20's. Even if they are a little snug. At least then I know I can't get lazy. Not comfortable with top shopping yet. Shirts these days are short and I'm still not comfortable with my midsection. So, I'll keep wearing what I have til I'm comfy with the stomach and maybe then I'll get new stuff. Depends on the $$ right now too.

Okay, gotta move, it's girl scout night tonight.

So, it's been awhile

2007-09-27T09:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I have decided not to share this blog with my family. I have decided it is going to become MY blog. I will deal with whatever I wish to deal with here. I have been posting on a MF forum. I have a journal there. I keep posting and seeing all of the other people interacting. I feel very stupid saying this but it's one of those things that I feel...it's that 'if we just ignore her maybe she'll go away..." on that forum. I respond to people's posts. I comment on things and like two out of a hundred people have actually talked to me. I wanted to have some support like I did when I was on the 100+ to lose board. I'm dying for someone to connect with to be able to share and support in this journey.

I was stalled at 233 for two full weeks. Still mostly on plan just a few 'off plan' times. Okay, I pretty much cheated all weekend this weekend...On Friday I weighed in at 233.2 Monday I started at 237.6. I weighed in at 231.6 this morning. I'm very excited about that. My parent's are coming out to visit on Nov. 2 and I want to surprise them when they get here.

My mom joined some biggest loser competition at her job. She said she's already lost four pounds this week. Good for her. I hope that one day I can be as small as she is.

She's hoping to lose 20#'s during her competition.

I'm excited to lose weight. I feel better. I told C that if I kept losing I was going to have to go out and buy new pants. I have one pair of capri's that fit right now. The rest stay on but I've taken to rolling the top of them to get them to stay up. How gross is that? And seriously, we just don't have the $$ to spend. Not if I'm going to continue to MF. I will spend apx 200-300/mo on their food. Depends on what I buy. I have enough food in the cupboard to last at least one more month. I guess we can go from there.

Okay, gotta move or something.

Welcome to day FOUR

2007-08-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

Here I am again. Day four of medifasting. Okay, officially day four but I had a cheat dinner last night because of Corey's birthday. We ordered Chinese takeout for dinner. I didn't eat the rest of the day so I could 'save up' for it. I weighed myself this morning and I still lost a pound since yesterday. Since Sunday morning I have lost 7.2 pounds. I honestly cannot believe it. I am back on track today. I have had my morning shake. Taken my slew of vitamins. On glass four of water (apx. 17 oz each glass). Not too bad for only being 11:15 am! I have been reading a medifast board and I'm feeling so good about this.

Well, I'm going to go paper journal. There are certain things that I will not post here! (my weight being one of them)

Here we go again, AGAIN

2007-08-14T08:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I am starting to Medifast AGAIN. This will be the third or fourth time, not sure exactly. I have decided that I need to get my butt moving again and this will be a nice quick start to it. I know I can't medifast forever so I am going to do this strictly for two weeks and then start to switch over to the Good Mood Diet plan. I am up and ready to start my day. I am going to go find a workout video to do while screaming meme is sleeping. I know I can do this.

again, ugh

2007-07-17T08:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I had every intention of making this a blog where my family could come and read about my kids. We are living so far away from everyone that I though this would be a nice way to keep them updated. That's great right, except that I can hardly get on here to update. And instead of updating I want to vent. I NEED SOMETHING. I am trying to lose weight. I am a stay at home mom. The kitchen is right over there>>>> And I have FOUR KIDS THAT WANT TO PLAY THE COMPUTER. I spend my days trying to come up with a way for us to make more money. What can I sell? What qualities do I have that someone would pay for? We are at the end of our financial rope. We are paying for an empty house in Indiana while paying outrageous rent on a house down here. I need to make some money $$$

My NEW house

2007-06-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

Of course we're renting. Our house in Indiana hasn't sold yet. This is a blueprint of my house. Ours is very similar to this floor plan only backwards. Just flip things from side to side.

www.kbhome.com/Plan~PlanID~00865147-235.2508.aspx

hope that works

copy and paste the http: part

ugh, it's over

2007-06-25T07:23:00.000-07:00

Another weekend over. Why is it that the time on weekends seems to pass so quickly? I can honestly say we accomplished next to nothing this weekend. Just a nice quiet weekend sitting inside doing nothing with the kids.

We made it through another day

2007-06-19T18:24:00.000-07:00

I totally expected some problems during our 'transitional' period but man these kids are driving me nuts. T was up three times last night and then decided she was up for the day at 6am. I don't think I passed out until about eleven and with three wakie-wakies I was in no shape for a 6am wake up call. I changed her soaked butt (no wonder she was wide awake and screaming instead of playing nicely in her bed so mom can hit the imaginary snooze button like most days) and put her butt in between hub and I with a bottle hoping she'd snooze. HEHE. Did I mention that I am most positive that someone slips my kids crack when I'm not looking. My children don't like sleep. They have never been children to just lay down on the floor and sleep. My son wakes up like clockwork at 6:30 daily. Now, I don't so much mind when it's time for school but guys this is summer and we're supposed to be enjoying it. I have to fight tooth and nail to get Josaphine up and out the door in time for school but summer, seven am wake up. Gotta play those ds's.

Miss Morgana on the other hand was nice enough to sleep in for everyone today and didn't roll her dimpled little butt out of bed until 8:30 this morning. You'd think that should make for a better day right. Nice and rested, no need to be mean just for the sake of being mean? Please, don't be fooled! She was still full of piss and vinegar.

I did manage to unpack two more bathroom boxes and organize a few things today while the queenT took incredibly long naps due to the lack of sleep last night. I tried to sleep when she was down this morning but instead of floating off to la la land I laid in bed thinking about all the stuff I need to accomplish.

Okay, have to put the big kids down (to bed)! Screaming meme is finally sleeping in her crib so we can knock the other ones down now too!

Oh the joy...

2007-06-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

So, for any of you that didn't know, we moved. Not just a nice local move from one side of the city to the other...we moved, from Indiana to TEXAS. I was very crazy and decided to travel cross country by myself with all four kids. We started out on Sunday and made it to Indianapolis. I spent the night there with my brother. On Monday we went to the Indy Children's museum. If you ever have the opportunity to visit that museum you really should. It was amazing. My kids loved it and they range from one year to nine. It had something for everyone. Well, after spending the day there we left on our was to St. Louis. We made it to just outside of St. Louis (on the east side).

On Tuesday we were supposed to visit the St. Louis zoo but after missing an exit three times I decided fate was against me and we headed on our way to Orettas in Kansas (or right around there somewhere). I promised the kids that we would make a fun day of traveling by stopping a lot so, of course, we stopped A LOT. We stopped at many, many rest stops to get out and run around. We stopped at a play McD's but only realized once we were inside that the play area was closed for cleaning. So, we ate and waited. Once they were done we went in and played for an hour or so. I talked to Oretta on the phone to let her know where we were and she started flipping out because we were only a few hours away. She was worried that her house wasn't clean enough. Her mom told her 'Oretta she was your roommate she knows how you are." :D

So, we made it to her house around three. I was excited because we would be spending two nights in the same hotel room. It's funny what excites you when you travel. Well, her hubby, Shawn, showed us to our hotel around five. I was nice enough to let the kids get in the pool once we had all the crap out of the van. We went to eat after words and then made it back to the hotel. I was listening to a room full of snoring kids by eight thirty that night.

On Wednesday we got up and had really good breakfast at the hotel. The kids had cinnamon roll french toast. YUMMY. I let the kids swim for a bit before Oretta called to meet up for the day. After we met up we went to this little sub shop to get sandwiches for a picnic. We ended up at this kids farm where we picnic-ed and played on toys before going inside to get sunburned. When we went to this farm it was for the express purpose of Shawn taking my three big kids fishing. YUCK! But they loved it. They used little bamboo cane fishing poles. Shawn baited all the hooks because there was no way I was touching worms. At one point Josaphina had waited to long and asked if she could have a wipe because she was going to bait her own hook! I had to laugh.

I'll post more later. Have to deal with the heathens and get to Walmart.

Everyone made it alive

2007-06-12T20:08:00.000-07:00

Well, we made it. Everyone is here in Texas! One long week of traveling and everyone is here no worse for wear. A few of us sunburned and are peeling but other than that no major trama.