Christmas?

Yes, it's official. I've started Christmas shopping :D I found a coupon deal through snapfish where I can buy one 8x11 book and get two free. I ordered three, one for me, one for my parent's, and one for my grams. Theirs will be for Christmas. These are my favorite group pictures from our photo shoot and I will be enlarging them to hand out as 8x10 pictures to family.

Tooth fairy visits

So, Tareyn lost another tooth. This was right after she pulled it out herself. This is the first tooth that we put under her pillow for the toothfairy. You can see that both of her front bottom teeth are adult teeth. We tried to put those under her pillow when it happened and she flipped out. Seriously. FLIPPED. OUT.

I honestly don't know what to do with all my garbage. It's easy to ignore it during the day when I have people around me, or when the sun is shining...but night is a completely different story. How am I supposed to just get over the fact that the one person that I gave my all to decided that I wasn't worth it? Fourteen years. The week he moved out we had been together for FOURTEEN years.

He signed the papers yesterday. I waited until he had signed them. I was a mess yesterday because it's done. I was a mess today...I hit a van today when I was out. And today I signed the papers.

I just dont' know what to do with all this crap I'm feeling. My heart hurts. He said I'm not important and he can't be happy when he's with me. Where do I put that? For the past four years I've been a stay at home mom and a devoted wife. I found a for real relationship with God and started doing life based on God's book. And now I'm not worth it??

I don't want to place my worth on someone else's shoulders. I'm not stupid but SERIOUSLY, this is the guy I figured I'd outlive. I expected to be pushing him around in a wheelchair as an old man. Traveling cross country to see the grandkids we'd have someday. We talked about our future. And he was THERE. With ME.

I don't know how to get over a broken heart. It doesn't help that he never even tried to explain. He would answer my questions but never offered anything.

I don't want him to live we me unhappy but how did we get to just done? Shouldn't there have been something in between completely happy to completely finished.

This weekend is going to suck. It's mother's day and last year he gave me the best gift he'd ever given me. My parents came to visit that week. And when I woke up that morning he opened his heart to me in a way he had never done before.

How am I supposed to get over this and be what my kids need me to be? How am I supposed to just walk away from this?

Stupidity

I really feel like I must have been living in a dream world. I can't shake it. He doesn't want me. The only way he would be happy is by divorcing me. In his mind that is the only option. I really just don't get it. I've been looking back and trying to understand. Trying to see some clue of him hating me as much as he does. I know we were busy. I know he was tired. He's always been quiet. Always. Never one to talk much.

I just don't know what my next step is. I am not pursuing any sort of anything. I'm not moving. I'm not making plans. I have called our church and a neutral counselor. I'm waiting for a call back to get that going. I'm scared that he's serious and he's leaving. I'm praying that his heart will change and he can see that our life together is really a good thing. I have tried to talk to him. See where things went from ok to done. He brought things up from ten years ago. Things that I thought I had been forgiven for.

I honestly don't know what to think. I've already told him that I still love him. And I tell him every night he leaves for work and every morning before he goes to bed. When did marriage become disposable? When did I become worthless to him. Of no value?

And our kids. Our poor clueless kids. I made sure to tell them on Thursday night that he and I have been fighting. They're all worried and have been acting out in their own ways. Keaton walked away from me this morning. Sydney had been quiet for a few days before she found out. Morgan is just Morgan. I went to bed on Thursday, and I always check in on them when I go up. She was still awake on her bed. She asked me if we had fought again. I didn't know how to answer her so I just told her that we weren't really talking. And then there's Tareyn. Sweet T that has been walking around the house like a holy terror. Testing every boundary there is.

I don't know how to fix this. And it sucks. He's done and unwilling to try and I'm sitting here clueless. I want this to be a building up for our relationship. Not an ending. I want him to feel valued because he is. I want him to feel important because he is. I want him to feel wanted because I DO.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. My heart feels like it might just scoot up my throat and out of my body. It keeps doing these weird little beats that are seriously beginning to flip me out. I am, what you would call, a HOT MESS. My life seemed ideal. We were getting by and managing just fine. OR so I thought. My husband has been a little on the moody side but I attributed that to his switching to third shift within the last few months (August) and the anniversary of the death of his mom a week ago. We don't always connect because of the odd work hours but I seriously thought that it was just a thing we had to get through.

He completely shook my world on Sunday evening when he came upstairs to tell me that he was done with this. He isn't happy and he's just done. Now, I promise you, if we had fought or had issues I wouldn't be a dumb struck as I am right now. I seriously had NO idea he was willing to just walk away. He's told me that I don't care how he feels because I never listen to him tell me how he feels. I can't do much now. I mean, I've told him that I'm not leaving. I honestly don't know what to do. I think my heart might just be breaking. I love that boy as much as I love air. I feel like I need it to survive. And I honestly can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what I would do.

I don't know what to do. It's like I'm sitting here waiting for him to decide what to do. It stinks. Because seriously, the boy is super important to me. And I thought that I was letting him know that by doing little things for him all the time. I mean, I'd take his car and fill it up with gas so he wouldn't have to do it. Or make sure we kept soda in the house cause he likes it when he gets up. Or keep the kids out of his hair when he was waking up. I just don't know. I thought I was speaking his language and obviously I wasn't. I need him to know that he's important. I need him to realize how much he means to me. I live my life to make him happy. That's my goal. TO see him smile because of something I did. And he is important. I told him HE is worth fighting for. Because to me, he's the only thing to fight for. I honestly don't know what else to say to him???

I'm lost.

Highlights!

Hehe, I got highlights put into my hair yesterday. T has walked around calling them stripes. She thinks my 'stripes are pretty awesome'! I think that since it's coming out of the mouth of a four year old it's an even better compliment!

We've had a pretty decent week this week after having some rough weeks with the big kids home from school on break. Not that the big kids were mis-behaving. It was mostly the four year old throwing fits because some bigger people would not entertain her at any given moment or that she couldn't have exactly what she wanted at the exact minute she asked for it (we're working on patience together-her and I both).

We had decided to try something new awhile ago and finally had the, um, opportunity, last Saturday night when T had a melt down on the way into her classroom at church. She ended up coming home with Corey while I stayed with the other three at service. When I got home we had her gather up her favorite toys (leapster with all the NEW games, barbie computer, crayons and some other electronic games). We explained that she would not have her things back for a few days (we hadn't actually set a specific time frame, except for the fact that she had to behave and follow rules to get the things back). Oh, and NO tv either. At ALL! So, we spent Sunday and Monday with nothing. We listened to Klove on the computer and that was it. Just spending time with each other.

I had decided to change my approach to this most strong willed child of mine and spend all my time with her doing what needed to be done. She is four btw and is quite a capable little person. She brought one of her little chairs out the kitchen and helped me make a casserole for dinner Monday night. She helped me fold laundry both Monday and Tuesday and then took things up to her dresser a few pieces at a time (and like things together so they'd get into the correct drawer). Anyway, after giving this child most of my attention and stopping a behavior before it actually got to that point, talking to her instead of letting it get to the point of raising my voice, really, just changing the way I was reacting to her behavior...we had a very good week. I am NOT going to make excuses for my child and her behavior lately but I do know in my heart that kids need boundaries and guidance and I was not doing my job by clearly showing what my expectations were.

Again, I'm not a parenting expert. And although I have gone through this age with three other children I feel as if I'm walking this path for the first time with the baby of our family.

We made it through this week and I am content that it was a better week than previous weeks!

Tada!

Well, we made it through another day! MissT was even lucky enough to get her 'ds' back last night about an hour before bed. *she hasn't had it since last Saturday because of a melt down she had at church Saturday night.