Stupidity

I really feel like I must have been living in a dream world. I can't shake it. He doesn't want me. The only way he would be happy is by divorcing me. In his mind that is the only option. I really just don't get it. I've been looking back and trying to understand. Trying to see some clue of him hating me as much as he does. I know we were busy. I know he was tired. He's always been quiet. Always. Never one to talk much.

I just don't know what my next step is. I am not pursuing any sort of anything. I'm not moving. I'm not making plans. I have called our church and a neutral counselor. I'm waiting for a call back to get that going. I'm scared that he's serious and he's leaving. I'm praying that his heart will change and he can see that our life together is really a good thing. I have tried to talk to him. See where things went from ok to done. He brought things up from ten years ago. Things that I thought I had been forgiven for.

I honestly don't know what to think. I've already told him that I still love him. And I tell him every night he leaves for work and every morning before he goes to bed. When did marriage become disposable? When did I become worthless to him. Of no value?

And our kids. Our poor clueless kids. I made sure to tell them on Thursday night that he and I have been fighting. They're all worried and have been acting out in their own ways. Keaton walked away from me this morning. Sydney had been quiet for a few days before she found out. Morgan is just Morgan. I went to bed on Thursday, and I always check in on them when I go up. She was still awake on her bed. She asked me if we had fought again. I didn't know how to answer her so I just told her that we weren't really talking. And then there's Tareyn. Sweet T that has been walking around the house like a holy terror. Testing every boundary there is.

I don't know how to fix this. And it sucks. He's done and unwilling to try and I'm sitting here clueless. I want this to be a building up for our relationship. Not an ending. I want him to feel valued because he is. I want him to feel important because he is. I want him to feel wanted because I DO.