I've tried not to make a big deal out of things because I really don't want him to regret his decision *he did do it to help keep our family afloat financially. I only need him to know that this sucks for me. I don't expect him to 'fix it'. I just need to vent it out. I've tried to be supportive. I really don't know what else to do. I've tried to keep my mouth shut and this stuff just ends up sitting here festering.
He threw away a porn dvd thing the other night. It wasn't just in the garbage-he busted the cd all to pieces. I didn't even know what was on there. It just said 'stuff' on the front of it. It really wasn't a big deal except that the night before I left him a note (when I went to bed I stuffed it in his kindle).
I've been working my way through the Love Dare book most of the summer. It's supposed to take forty days to accomplish but it took me longer. And when I got ticked with things I walked away from it. So, it took me a little longer to finish. Anyway, I worked on this letter for at least two weeks cause it just wasn't coming together the way I wanted it to. It was supposed to be about how committed I am to sticking this out through anything (I think we've already proved that tho). And then the last day was to write out some sort of renewal of your vows. I decided to add them to the end of the note.
I made sure to give it to him on a night that he didn't have to work, hoping that he'd come up stairs and it would prompt a conversation. We hardly talk since he's switched shifts. He's grouchy when he wakes up at night and will listen to me ramble on about the day but isn't much for give and take at that point in the day. In the morning when he gets home he's grouchy tired and isn't in the mood for conversation. So, I'm left with all this crap sitting here stewing waiting to boil over.
The porn thing wasn't a big deal. I wanted it to be a big deal. I spent two weeks working on a letter to him. When I woke up that day he was pissed and his porn was in the garbage. I wanted him to say,"I DID IT FOR YOU. I want you, no one else. You make me happy." That's what I wanted to hear. Instead I go to wake up to a husband in a bad mood.
I guess that's why I kept bringing it up. I know that I have high expectations and I should totally be over it after almost fourteen years that we've been together. I guess that I'm to the point that I'd like to feel like I'm appreciated. I know that it's silly of me to expect him to appreciate me but I really worked on my side of our relationship all summer with the love dare. I stepped out so many times to tell him how much I appreciate what you do. And I KNOW that I shouldn't expect something in return BUT I DID. I'm trying to get over it. But it's not like we can talk about it.
And ever since some years ago I don't want to talk about feelings cause it ends up all about me and that's not what I want either. I'm selfish, I get that. I'm working on it. I am trying not to be.
I don't want to just exist. I don't like living just to get through each day. Being grouchy with anyone that crosses my path. I DON'T have pms and this isn't just going away. I want to feel good about life and decisions I've made-not just survive. I've absolutely been on the verge of tears for weeks now. I'm short tempered with my kids and no matter how much I pray about it things aren't going away. I get bad mood in the morning and bad mood at night. He said this morning that I should wake him up earlier so he has time to wake up before he leaves for work, um, no thanks, don't think I could handle having to be around it any longer than I am already.
I'm sorry but this is where I am right now. It sucks. One day I'm sure I'll get over it. God will give me grace to survive but I dont' want to just make it through.
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