Randomness

So the oldest daughter tells me the other day that sometimes her friends call her Random because she spouts off random thoughts. She is the child most like her father in our house. Physically alike, super tall and thin. Neither of them are particularly pleasant in the mornings. Mentally-the same smart quirky-ness. They'd both like to be alone more than with others. And now, the name. Corey's handle on any of the havens, boards, whatever, was/is Random because he would spout off randomness.

I'm feeling a little lost right now. Not quite sure where to put these things I'm feeling. I should say that I'm pms-y and a little sensitive. I understand that. I really do. I'm just not sure where to put this stuff.

I wrote Corey a letter yesterday-well, finished it yesterday after working on it for two weeks. It was day 39 of the Love Dare. I had to write a letter of commitment to him stating that I'm here to stay. Day 40 is to re-write your wedding vows. So, I did both into one. Seriously, I've been working on this for two weeks off and on when he's not around cause I did really want it to be a surprise. Well, I finished it, printed it, and hid it in his kindle before I went to bed last night. I figured it would be a nice surprise for him to find when he was all alone in the night. He's told me how hard it is to be alone in the quiet so many nights of the week.

I guess I was silly to expect any sort of big reaction. That just isn't his style. But I wanted it. Instead I got a few lines in an email about him being proud of me finishing the dare. That and an attitude most of the morning.

I absolutely hate how I feel right now. My heart hurts. He hardly spoke two words to me when he was awake this morning. Well, he went to sleep and ended up again. He couldn't sleep and got up to eat. Spent some time eating and then went back up to bed.

I was surprised when I got up this morning that there wasn't more. I saw a broken up cd in the garbage when I got up this morning and I'm pretty sure that it was a cd that Jen made for him.

He just seems mad about everything and I honestly don't know what to do to fix it. I walk on egg shells so he can get a full eight hours of sleep every day. I try and keep the kids out of his hair when he is awake. I want him to spend time with them-not yell at them for being kids.

I just feel like it's all I can do to keep my head above water right now. I feel like I'm sinking and I HATE this feeling.

I don't think it would be such a big deal if he would just say, boom, this is what you did that ticked me off and let's move on. BUT HE WON'T.

And I really thought that the letter was uplifting. I hate putting so much stock into what he thinks. BUT I DO. He's my life and he won't even let me in to what he's dealing with-whatever it is.