Garbage

So, I feel like I have all this crap to say and no where to put it. I'm frustrated and I have nowhere to get rid of that either. Corey switched shifts at work and it's not a bad thing but it's definitely affecting my side of our relationship.

I've tried not to make a big deal out of things because I really don't want him to regret his decision *he did do it to help keep our family afloat financially. I only need him to know that this sucks for me. I don't expect him to 'fix it'. I just need to vent it out. I've tried to be supportive. I really don't know what else to do. I've tried to keep my mouth shut and this stuff just ends up sitting here festering.

He threw away a porn dvd thing the other night. It wasn't just in the garbage-he busted the cd all to pieces. I didn't even know what was on there. It just said 'stuff' on the front of it. It really wasn't a big deal except that the night before I left him a note (when I went to bed I stuffed it in his kindle).

I've been working my way through the Love Dare book most of the summer. It's supposed to take forty days to accomplish but it took me longer. And when I got ticked with things I walked away from it. So, it took me a little longer to finish. Anyway, I worked on this letter for at least two weeks cause it just wasn't coming together the way I wanted it to. It was supposed to be about how committed I am to sticking this out through anything (I think we've already proved that tho). And then the last day was to write out some sort of renewal of your vows. I decided to add them to the end of the note.

I made sure to give it to him on a night that he didn't have to work, hoping that he'd come up stairs and it would prompt a conversation. We hardly talk since he's switched shifts. He's grouchy when he wakes up at night and will listen to me ramble on about the day but isn't much for give and take at that point in the day. In the morning when he gets home he's grouchy tired and isn't in the mood for conversation. So, I'm left with all this crap sitting here stewing waiting to boil over.

The porn thing wasn't a big deal. I wanted it to be a big deal. I spent two weeks working on a letter to him. When I woke up that day he was pissed and his porn was in the garbage. I wanted him to say,"I DID IT FOR YOU. I want you, no one else. You make me happy." That's what I wanted to hear. Instead I go to wake up to a husband in a bad mood.

I guess that's why I kept bringing it up. I know that I have high expectations and I should totally be over it after almost fourteen years that we've been together. I guess that I'm to the point that I'd like to feel like I'm appreciated. I know that it's silly of me to expect him to appreciate me but I really worked on my side of our relationship all summer with the love dare. I stepped out so many times to tell him how much I appreciate what you do. And I KNOW that I shouldn't expect something in return BUT I DID. I'm trying to get over it. But it's not like we can talk about it.

And ever since some years ago I don't want to talk about feelings cause it ends up all about me and that's not what I want either. I'm selfish, I get that. I'm working on it. I am trying not to be.

I don't want to just exist. I don't like living just to get through each day. Being grouchy with anyone that crosses my path. I DON'T have pms and this isn't just going away. I want to feel good about life and decisions I've made-not just survive. I've absolutely been on the verge of tears for weeks now. I'm short tempered with my kids and no matter how much I pray about it things aren't going away. I get bad mood in the morning and bad mood at night. He said this morning that I should wake him up earlier so he has time to wake up before he leaves for work, um, no thanks, don't think I could handle having to be around it any longer than I am already.

I'm sorry but this is where I am right now. It sucks. One day I'm sure I'll get over it. God will give me grace to survive but I dont' want to just make it through.

holiness

do you ever feel like someone is just more 'holy' than yourself? Do you ever feel like some people think that they are holier than you? I wonder why you have that feeling? I wonder why I have that feeling? I see people with all their religiosity and I just have to chuckle. I'm sure you think that you are holier than I. I'm sure you believe there are levels. I have to say that I believe that is a myth because when Jesus died for us he didn't only die for the people that read x amount of Bible every day, or for people who pray for x amount of hours each day. He died for ALL of us. ALL. Me too. Whether I spend hours on my knees praying every day. Of if I can't finish a sentence without a brain fart.

I know that Father God Loves ME too. No matter what you think. That's all I have to say about that (well for now anyway)

Randomness

So the oldest daughter tells me the other day that sometimes her friends call her Random because she spouts off random thoughts. She is the child most like her father in our house. Physically alike, super tall and thin. Neither of them are particularly pleasant in the mornings. Mentally-the same smart quirky-ness. They'd both like to be alone more than with others. And now, the name. Corey's handle on any of the havens, boards, whatever, was/is Random because he would spout off randomness.

I'm feeling a little lost right now. Not quite sure where to put these things I'm feeling. I should say that I'm pms-y and a little sensitive. I understand that. I really do. I'm just not sure where to put this stuff.

I wrote Corey a letter yesterday-well, finished it yesterday after working on it for two weeks. It was day 39 of the Love Dare. I had to write a letter of commitment to him stating that I'm here to stay. Day 40 is to re-write your wedding vows. So, I did both into one. Seriously, I've been working on this for two weeks off and on when he's not around cause I did really want it to be a surprise. Well, I finished it, printed it, and hid it in his kindle before I went to bed last night. I figured it would be a nice surprise for him to find when he was all alone in the night. He's told me how hard it is to be alone in the quiet so many nights of the week.

I guess I was silly to expect any sort of big reaction. That just isn't his style. But I wanted it. Instead I got a few lines in an email about him being proud of me finishing the dare. That and an attitude most of the morning.

I absolutely hate how I feel right now. My heart hurts. He hardly spoke two words to me when he was awake this morning. Well, he went to sleep and ended up again. He couldn't sleep and got up to eat. Spent some time eating and then went back up to bed.

I was surprised when I got up this morning that there wasn't more. I saw a broken up cd in the garbage when I got up this morning and I'm pretty sure that it was a cd that Jen made for him.

He just seems mad about everything and I honestly don't know what to do to fix it. I walk on egg shells so he can get a full eight hours of sleep every day. I try and keep the kids out of his hair when he is awake. I want him to spend time with them-not yell at them for being kids.

I just feel like it's all I can do to keep my head above water right now. I feel like I'm sinking and I HATE this feeling.

I don't think it would be such a big deal if he would just say, boom, this is what you did that ticked me off and let's move on. BUT HE WON'T.

And I really thought that the letter was uplifting. I hate putting so much stock into what he thinks. BUT I DO. He's my life and he won't even let me in to what he's dealing with-whatever it is.

No privileges here

Well, it is week two back to school and as much as I am enjoying having the big kids back in school I am thoroughly frustrated at the youngest child's lack of sleep as of late. Our rule is if she's up more than once to potty then she losses her privileges for the next day. I know, this might seem harsh, but we had to take drastic measures when the child was getting up six to eight times a night. It all started toward the end of last year. At first I thought it was night terrors but soon came to realize that it's mostly just a behavioral issue. After the years my husband and I spent working in group homes with physically and mentally handicapped people who have their own Behavior Management Plans we decided to do the same thing over and over again with her to encourage her to 'behave' the right way. MissT has a BMP!

She was up once to potty last night, within 20 minutes of being put to bed. The second time she started yelling I went up and reminded her that she would be losing all of her privileges for today and that we would not be leaving the house other than to take the kids to and from school. She hasn't been able to play any of her special toys-leapster, leap pad, playdough, coloring crayons or books, no tv, no kiddie computer, no real computer, NO NETFLIX. We watched the news this morning for a bit and have had the music on the computer the rest of the day.

I had plans to go to Sam's club today. I needed to get my oil changed and vehicle inspection done. I was going to go walking through the neighborhood this morning. Instead, I took the kids to school by myself. Don't worry, Corey was home since he doesn't work Sunday night. I had to take a forgotten lunch to school and then ran through the grocery to get bread-the one thing I absolutely had to have.

I just got a call from Walmart the Josaphina's glasses are in. So, once we get the oldest two from school we'll head out and pick her glasses up, hoping that the boy's are in also.

I'm hoping we have a better night tonight because I have my Bible study here tomorrow and although there might not be a lot of kids in attendance I don't want to have to stop everything I'm trying to learn to discipline a child.

Oh, and Corey's got tonight off so he can deal with her again tonight if she's up. I know she's got to get tired of standing on the wall. *when my older kids were younger we moved into a 900 square foot apartment, after living in 1500 square foot house. Needless to say the majority of corners were filled with stuff so we started facing the wall with our hands at our sides as a punishment for whatever amount of time needed. That's carried over for four kiddos and now she's old enough to do it. She's also the most stubborn child I've had so far and can stand for 30 minutes at a time because your time doesn't start until you stop moving, playing around, whining, crying, whatever the case may be.

Firsts

I have many younger-than-me friends starting to let their babies go off to preschool and mom's day out programs. Some of my friends have more than one child but the majority of my friends don't. And I have one friend with a child older than my four kiddos. I have three school aged kids, and have had for five years now. Our most recent first was that my second child started middle school at the beginning of the week. And not that I wasn't nervous but knowing that her brother was with her at the same school made it much easier than when he started middle school last year. Talk to me again in two years when my oldest will start high school and I will probably be a hot mess. Not because he is growing up but because I am aging less than gracefully and I don't want two years time to pass. Or talk to me next year when my BABY starts kindergarten. That's probably going to be a hard day but she's been asking for school ever since she turned four.

They offer pre-kindergarten classes here but you have to qualify or you have to pay. Well qualification guidelines include 1-English is your second language, 2-you're a military family, or 3-income. We make $38 too much each month. So we don't qualify. If I want to enroll T into a preschool program it will cost me 3-5K for the year. I could have done one of the mom's-day-out programs but even that runs about 120/month.

Did I mention that we still own that house in IN? Did I mention that for months we have had to put our groceries on a credit card because we can't go without food? And the money coming in barely covers the money going out.

Ah, hear that? Three kids are out of the house

Well, today is the first day of school for all my 'big' kids! I'm excited to get them to hear about their first day. Keaton is in seventh grade this year so he's pretty relaxed about hitting the middle school again this year. Sydney on the other hand is starting sixth grade, which in her world means anxiety. She's just like her dad-she really doesn't care for change. She's memorized the school map and her schedule. I've tried to explain to her that there will be people in the hallway helping the sixth graders get where they need to go but she's convinced she's invincible and can do all, be all, see all on her own! My 'baby' is in forth grade. She has a new teacher. She was still laying awake in bed at 9:45 last night claiming she was 'too excited to sleep!" I just about ran into her when I was walking out of my room at 6am! I'm sure she's going to be ready for a nap when she gets home.

I have high expectations for this year. During our orientation nights last week I talked to many teachers that had Keaton as a student last year and am convinced that he is underachieving. He's been placed in all Pre-AP classes this year with the exception of math. He's going to have to work a little harder to succeed this year! I don't think he realized that when he came home with the forms to fill out!

Sydney was in the GT program last year so she is automatically enrolled in all the Pre-AP classes this year with the exception of one class that the school does not offer in Pre-AP. She will succeed again. She will be too hard on herself and push herself as far as she can go.

Morgan is another story all together. I'm glad I don't have to compare my kids because they are all so different. Sydney is her father's child. Morgan is definitely mine! She's just not as in to school as the other kids. She's getting a little more excited about school. I think she likes that she's the only one left at her school. Next year the real baby of the family will start kindergarten and they'll both be at the same school for a year.

Tareyn was up last night and has once again lost all of her special privileges for the day. Again today, no leapster, no baby computer, no colors or coloring books, no playdough, nothing except the toys in the bins. No tv, no real computer (other than my music that's playing right now).

It's been a long few days and I can't wait to get us onto some sort of schedule again. I couldn't sleep last night because I was so excited to get started again. My goal for this week is to drink my 110 ounce bottle of water each day. If I have more than that GREAT but that's my daily goal. I'm not sure if my Bible study girls are going to come over early tomorrow to try and walk or not. We're going to make that a Tuesday morning thing before we start our study! I'm going to try and walk the mall at least two days a week, possibly three (aiming for Wednesday, Friday right now but I might add Monday in the mix).

We'll see what happens but I'm optimistic to see change.

Um, hi blog, it's me

Well, it's been quite awhile since I've posted on here. I didn't forget you existed. I promise. I just didn't take the time necessary to rid myself of all my excess thoughts! Poor Corey has been having to listen to all of it!

Things have been ok here. My three big kids go back to school tomorrow and I cannot wait. Don't get me wrong. I love summertime but I'm ready to move on to what's next. They all start getting a little antsy toward the end of summer and basically become grouchy little beings. My girls have started having pms right along with me...even though neither of them have had any sort of visit from that fairy yet! So, once a month my house feels like a war zone and we all have emotional fits of sorts.

I wish I had something fun to say has been taking up my time but there is nothing. We have been surviving by simply surviving. God has taken care of us every time we've needed help. I don't want you to think my life has been a struggle every day but we have moved from one thing to deal with to another.

Our renters never contacted me so I re-took possession of my house on January 4th. They trashed the house before they abandoned it. My parent's started working on the house the next week-cleaning it out of garbage-they left enough stuff that we had to rent a dumpster. They are still working on it-seven full months later.

I feel like I'm lost right now. Running around in the wilderness. Indecision. Little time with Corey since he's switched to 3rd shift. I know that that little thing right there makes a big difference. I'm not upset that he's changed shifts. I know, in my heart, that this is the right place for him to be. I know that he needs to be in a third shift position. It fits his natural sleep cycle.

It just sucks because the kids spent a total of about 15 minutes with him when he was awake yesterday. I think I might be losing my mind. I know that 'this too shall pass' but it's always fun getting through it-whatever IT is today.