Ugh

Really? REallly? REALLY? I live in Texas. My immediate family (parents, brother, sister) live in Indiana. We moved here from there because we needed to. *that's a whole story in itself and not the point of my rant today*

My sister is the baby of the family. She has lived in a government subsidized house for the past two years. Before that she lived in my parent's basement. Before that she had a house and a full time job and was able to pay her bills because she also watched my youngest two kids, which I paid her for, like a real daycare situation. Except that she was able to keep her two kids with her also. Ok, getting off topic and that's the other story.

Anyway, she has to hand the keys over for her house on Monday at noon. I know that it's a sucky time to try and find a place to live. She has three kids now. And no real man in the picture. Her first to kids are hers with her ex-husband and he's a dead beat. He's something like $7,000 behind in child support but since he makes a payment every other month the state of Indiana won't go after him.

Daddy of baby number three is a dead beat. And by dead beat I mean, he has worked a total of four months in the three and a half years that I've been in Texas. He is 27 or 28 and still lives with his mom. Shares a room with is brother/nephew. That right there should tell you something of his family dynamics.

My sister had broke up with him or had him break up with her about 20 times in the last two years. I'm not even kidding~I quit counting after about 12 times. She even had a restraining order on him at one point. But, he's back in the picture which means no one in the family wants to help her out because helping her means helping him. As soon as she gets a new place he would move in. Whether she thinks it or not. He's stolen from my family, both things and money. He's stolen straight out of my sisters purse and she's ok with that.

She told me on the phone two days ago that there is absolutely NO WAY that she would ever even consider moving back in with my parents. She isn't even talking to them. Her and my mom work at the same grocery store. My parents help her out more that she's willing to admit. She gets food stamps every month yet every month my mom lets her come in and grocery shop and then pays for the groceries because what my sister was getting with her food stamps won't last a full month. Her dead beat baby daddy eats like a horse. I'm not kidding. If she makes something before she goes to work for the kids to eat for dinner she doesn't expect to eat any when she gets home because big boy has eaten the rest. So, she's the one out there working, taking care of her three kids. He comes over to watch the kids when she's at work, because, seriously, what else does he have to do?

This loser is the choice she has made. And because she chose him she's lost a whole load of things. In no certain order, her house, her van, another van, and apartment, another car. And besides the physical 'things' she also lost her friends. She is civil to the people she works with. And she might have a friend or two outside of work, but they are HIS sisters, of the girlfriends/wives of his brothers. Not her friends, not her choice. Just people put together.

Anyway, again, my sister is expecting someone to swoop in and rescue her. She thinks that over the next two to three days someone is just going to jump in a fix her life. She's taking some steps to make sure the kids have a roof over their heads but has resigned herself to sleeping in her van (which my parent's bought straight out for her). I just don't understand the mentality. I don't get it.

When did we get like this? When did it turn ok for you to hate your parents for wanting you to get more out of life? She's ticked at me because I have a house sitting empty in the same city she lives in and I won't let her move in there. The house is on the market and we aren't renting it anymore. Plus I know HE would move in there with her. I've offered to let her come down here and move in with me here. She won't even consider that.

My grandma has a rental and I've tried to talk to my sister about that but she is completely done listening to me I guess. I'm not sure? She's hung up on me the last two times I've talked to her so I guess she's just writing me off now too. Guess she's done?

She has talked to her boyfriends mother and tried to make arrangements to have her kids sleep in the house while she sleeps outside in the van. I just don't understand how that makes sense? Her kids are two, four, and eight. Who is going to deal with them when they wake up in the night if she's outside sleeping in her van? Did I mention that it's a three bedroom house with five people living in it already? I don't even want my mind to go there. Too many bad things come from that house. Mom and step dad share a bedroom. Boyfriend shares a room with one brother/nephew, and the other brother/nephew has the other bedroom. I'm not sure which of the two brother/nephew's got expelled from school for selling drugs-the 15yo. The other one is 19 and had to do community service. Like I said, not a lot of good comes out of that house.

I have to get a shower. Ugh, I don't know how to deal with this drama anymore...

Overwhelmed??

I'm not even sure that's the right word to use? It has such a negative connotation to it. And this isn't a negative 'thing'. I'm overwhelmed with joy, hope, happiness...I'm also overwhelmed with the trials of a four year old...I'm happy that my kids are doing as well as they are. I mean, I fully expected to have kids with some sort of dysfunction. I mean, I am, after all, their mother.

I had a nice conversation with my children's youth pastor a few weeks ago before our Saturday night service started. We were talking about how shy Syd is and how it takes her just longer to open up and participate when she tries something new. Youth pastor asked how she was doing transitioning to middle school and although it's been a bumpy ride emotionally, she seems to be doing ok. He asked about grades and that's one area where I'm not even concerned. My baby is in all the Pre-AP classes that sixth grade offers at her school. She is academically gifted. Then youth pastor asked me about the boy child (he's in 7th grade this year btw). Again, he's in all Pre-AP classes minus the math class. Oh, and I should say, they both have straight A's. He didn't quite ask a question but I let him know that in our house (Corey and I were both sitting right next to each other) failure isn't an option. We've NEVER let the kids not like school. They are expected to work. They are expected to keep their grades up. I know way too many people who are 'ok' that their kids complain about having to go to school, or misbehave while they are at school, or whatever about school. We have NEVER given the kids that option. I expected that one day we'd get to the point where they all fought getting up in the mornings and while I do have to enthusiastically encourage Syd to get up in the mornings, we've never really had a problem.

I know that I'm lucky that my kids don't fight as much as other kids. I know I'm lucky that not only do they not fight going to school, or getting up in the mornings, or whatever, I'm lucky that they don't fight with each other very often. I've talked to friends and family whose kids have started screaming matches with each other or even thrown punches at each other. I KNOW that I am NOT perfect in any way-and I'm totally making up this parenting thing as we go-but I am happy that my kids have not tried to respond to each other in those ways. It is not allowed in our house. We have truly tried to reinforce that your family is always your family and they are the ones that you can TOTALLY count on. I don't care if I'm talking to the four year old or the twelve year old. They know that we are family and that's all there is to it!

Remember

I have so many things that I hope I don't forget when I get older. Like the other day when I took LadyT to chickfila for the first real time. An actual chickfila with a play place (like McDonald's or Burger King). I had a coupon that expired Thursday so I decided we'd head over there for lunch. I let some of my friends know we were going and we went. Two of my gf's met us there and we had a nice enjoyable lunch. It was fun to hang out with the girls and let the kids be kids!

We were on the way home, well, to the store before home, and I was getting ready to merge onto the highway and little missT asked if she could cheer for me. Of course I said, YES, not quite sure what to expect...she sat in the back seat chanting MOMMA, MOMMA, MOMMA...for our 10 minute drive to the store. I chuckled the whole way and told her thanks when we got our van parked. She told me I did a good job driving. Like a four year old would know any different??? But I loved it anyway. And I don't want to forget her sweetness. That was one of our good days. I want to remember her sweetness when she's being a monster and screaming at me because she didn't get whatever it was that she wanted that day in that particular minute.

Unfortunately we've been having some bad days a little more often...I'm not quite sure why?? She had a HUGE melt down at the library on Wednesday. I had to hold both her arms and walk her out in front of me because doing the one handed thing was going to make books fall off of the bookshelves she was trying to use to stop me from walking her out. Then there was the ten minute drive home with her screaming at me because she didn't get to check library books out due to the fit.

I want to be able to remember the times when she tells me I'm the bestest mommy in the world when she's starting that head-tilted, lip-quivering, whiney voiced complaint when she didn't get her way, or have the last say, or interrupt my conversation for the thousandth time just in the last 20 minutes since her dad has been up out of bed.

Ok, I know why some of this is happening...we've had a scheduling change and she's rebelling against change. The man changed to third shift awhile ago. Um, the second week of August.

She the one child of mine that wants, no NEEDS, to know exactly what each day is going to entail. If I tell her we need to run to the grocery store she will ask me every five minutes from the time I've told her until the time we leave for the store. On days when we have a regular routine (Tuesday=my Bible study group with a few kids, Wendesday=ABC club AFTER lunch, Saturday=Church AFTER dinner, which comes AFTER LUNCH!) She doesn't ask as many questions those days because she's grown accustomed to those days. On the days when we're invited out for a playdate I can't tell her where we're going until the morning of the plans, simply because I can't handle the five thousand questions that will come with my declaration.

So, I know that with the schedule change things are different in our house. And this is the first time we've been involved in an activity that meets weekly outside of our home (other than church) so that's different too. I don't want to keep my child home just to keep my sanity. I really don't but I'm so not kidding when I tell you that some days she makes me feel K-RAY-ZEE. Not kidding.

Ok, I need to move. It's taken me at least 40 minutes just to get all this out due to the four children in my home and their needs-it is lunchtime-what was I thinking!

I really do love this life. And I KNOW that we will get through this. I know that God loves me and I'm going to learn my lesson from this life trial and come out stronger on the other side.

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that I feel guilty because I have feelings. Like it's not ok to feel things. I know that I don't always need to let my feelings guide me through life but I should be able to experience some emotion without feeling guilty for having it. My feelings are hurt and every time he hurts me like this it brings up all the same hurt feelings over the last 13.5 years of our relationship.

I'm a girl. I'm emotional. I like to talk. I like to talk about FEELINGS. Deal with it. Let me be who I am.

Garbage

So, I feel like I have all this crap to say and no where to put it. I'm frustrated and I have nowhere to get rid of that either. Corey switched shifts at work and it's not a bad thing but it's definitely affecting my side of our relationship.

I've tried not to make a big deal out of things because I really don't want him to regret his decision *he did do it to help keep our family afloat financially. I only need him to know that this sucks for me. I don't expect him to 'fix it'. I just need to vent it out. I've tried to be supportive. I really don't know what else to do. I've tried to keep my mouth shut and this stuff just ends up sitting here festering.

He threw away a porn dvd thing the other night. It wasn't just in the garbage-he busted the cd all to pieces. I didn't even know what was on there. It just said 'stuff' on the front of it. It really wasn't a big deal except that the night before I left him a note (when I went to bed I stuffed it in his kindle).

I've been working my way through the Love Dare book most of the summer. It's supposed to take forty days to accomplish but it took me longer. And when I got ticked with things I walked away from it. So, it took me a little longer to finish. Anyway, I worked on this letter for at least two weeks cause it just wasn't coming together the way I wanted it to. It was supposed to be about how committed I am to sticking this out through anything (I think we've already proved that tho). And then the last day was to write out some sort of renewal of your vows. I decided to add them to the end of the note.

I made sure to give it to him on a night that he didn't have to work, hoping that he'd come up stairs and it would prompt a conversation. We hardly talk since he's switched shifts. He's grouchy when he wakes up at night and will listen to me ramble on about the day but isn't much for give and take at that point in the day. In the morning when he gets home he's grouchy tired and isn't in the mood for conversation. So, I'm left with all this crap sitting here stewing waiting to boil over.

The porn thing wasn't a big deal. I wanted it to be a big deal. I spent two weeks working on a letter to him. When I woke up that day he was pissed and his porn was in the garbage. I wanted him to say,"I DID IT FOR YOU. I want you, no one else. You make me happy." That's what I wanted to hear. Instead I go to wake up to a husband in a bad mood.

I guess that's why I kept bringing it up. I know that I have high expectations and I should totally be over it after almost fourteen years that we've been together. I guess that I'm to the point that I'd like to feel like I'm appreciated. I know that it's silly of me to expect him to appreciate me but I really worked on my side of our relationship all summer with the love dare. I stepped out so many times to tell him how much I appreciate what you do. And I KNOW that I shouldn't expect something in return BUT I DID. I'm trying to get over it. But it's not like we can talk about it.

And ever since some years ago I don't want to talk about feelings cause it ends up all about me and that's not what I want either. I'm selfish, I get that. I'm working on it. I am trying not to be.

I don't want to just exist. I don't like living just to get through each day. Being grouchy with anyone that crosses my path. I DON'T have pms and this isn't just going away. I want to feel good about life and decisions I've made-not just survive. I've absolutely been on the verge of tears for weeks now. I'm short tempered with my kids and no matter how much I pray about it things aren't going away. I get bad mood in the morning and bad mood at night. He said this morning that I should wake him up earlier so he has time to wake up before he leaves for work, um, no thanks, don't think I could handle having to be around it any longer than I am already.

I'm sorry but this is where I am right now. It sucks. One day I'm sure I'll get over it. God will give me grace to survive but I dont' want to just make it through.

holiness

do you ever feel like someone is just more 'holy' than yourself? Do you ever feel like some people think that they are holier than you? I wonder why you have that feeling? I wonder why I have that feeling? I see people with all their religiosity and I just have to chuckle. I'm sure you think that you are holier than I. I'm sure you believe there are levels. I have to say that I believe that is a myth because when Jesus died for us he didn't only die for the people that read x amount of Bible every day, or for people who pray for x amount of hours each day. He died for ALL of us. ALL. Me too. Whether I spend hours on my knees praying every day. Of if I can't finish a sentence without a brain fart.

I know that Father God Loves ME too. No matter what you think. That's all I have to say about that (well for now anyway)

Randomness

So the oldest daughter tells me the other day that sometimes her friends call her Random because she spouts off random thoughts. She is the child most like her father in our house. Physically alike, super tall and thin. Neither of them are particularly pleasant in the mornings. Mentally-the same smart quirky-ness. They'd both like to be alone more than with others. And now, the name. Corey's handle on any of the havens, boards, whatever, was/is Random because he would spout off randomness.

I'm feeling a little lost right now. Not quite sure where to put these things I'm feeling. I should say that I'm pms-y and a little sensitive. I understand that. I really do. I'm just not sure where to put this stuff.

I wrote Corey a letter yesterday-well, finished it yesterday after working on it for two weeks. It was day 39 of the Love Dare. I had to write a letter of commitment to him stating that I'm here to stay. Day 40 is to re-write your wedding vows. So, I did both into one. Seriously, I've been working on this for two weeks off and on when he's not around cause I did really want it to be a surprise. Well, I finished it, printed it, and hid it in his kindle before I went to bed last night. I figured it would be a nice surprise for him to find when he was all alone in the night. He's told me how hard it is to be alone in the quiet so many nights of the week.

I guess I was silly to expect any sort of big reaction. That just isn't his style. But I wanted it. Instead I got a few lines in an email about him being proud of me finishing the dare. That and an attitude most of the morning.

I absolutely hate how I feel right now. My heart hurts. He hardly spoke two words to me when he was awake this morning. Well, he went to sleep and ended up again. He couldn't sleep and got up to eat. Spent some time eating and then went back up to bed.

I was surprised when I got up this morning that there wasn't more. I saw a broken up cd in the garbage when I got up this morning and I'm pretty sure that it was a cd that Jen made for him.

He just seems mad about everything and I honestly don't know what to do to fix it. I walk on egg shells so he can get a full eight hours of sleep every day. I try and keep the kids out of his hair when he is awake. I want him to spend time with them-not yell at them for being kids.

I just feel like it's all I can do to keep my head above water right now. I feel like I'm sinking and I HATE this feeling.

I don't think it would be such a big deal if he would just say, boom, this is what you did that ticked me off and let's move on. BUT HE WON'T.

And I really thought that the letter was uplifting. I hate putting so much stock into what he thinks. BUT I DO. He's my life and he won't even let me in to what he's dealing with-whatever it is.