Tired

I'm tired. I guess I've been tired for some time now. I never seem to enjoy an entire night of sleep. I get up at least once a night for a bathroom visit. And lately at least one of the kids has decided to wake me to tell me, 1-they had to use the bathroom, 2-they had a bad dream, 3-they wanna sleep with me. So, I've been getting interrupted sleep a lot lately.

Anywho, this am I was 220.2. Hoping for a much lower number tomorrow. I set a mini goal to be at 205 for the end of the year/new years day. I can remember setting a goal to be at 215 the year Ms. Morgana would have been about 1.5 years old, that would have been four years ago. Pretty funny how your perception/perspective changes with time. When I got down to 215 at that time I thought I was hot stuff. Haven't felt so hot much lately. I mean don't get me wrong, things have been much better. I'm assuming it's my confidence with my smaller body. But being 220 now feels like 250 compared to being 220 four years ago. That probably doesn't make any sense to anyone but me. But again, this just proves that it's all in your mind.

I'm a people watcher. I watch people when I'm not eyeballing my children to make sure they're safe and all that. More and more I've noticed that I am not the biggest person in the world anymore. We had a 'roundup' type boyscout meeting tonight. I am comfortably in my 20's now. There were other moms there and while a couple were small the majority were larger gals. I can't get over how so many big girls are stuffing themselves into clothing that does not fit. As a big girl I love the big baggy stuff to 'hide' my flaws. I've noticed that a lot of larger moms (probably should be my size) are squeezing themselves into much smaller clothing (probably a 12 or 14 bottoms). Girls do you really think that no one sees that belly hanging over? And then I have to question, are they just in denial about how they've let themselves go or do they really think they look good like that? My sister did this after she had kids. She refused to admit that she had some flaws (VERY MINOR FLAWS) and she would stuff herself into her pre-pregnancy clothes. You should know that I would just about kill for a body like my sisters. Although she is a little rounder than most she is very attractive physically. She just needs to figure out how to work with what she has now instead of thinking she's exactly how she was pre-kids. Hm, where's this coming from? I'm not sure. I know that not everyone has foody issues. I just wonder if these girls that are having overhang are ok. Are they depressed. Has anyone taken the time out to talk to them and ask them how they are?

My cousin called me yesterday. My BIG cousin. We didn't have time to get into the whole diet thing. I just can't imagine going back to where I have been. I refuse to let it happen. EVER. I told my husband that he was allowed to shoot me if I ever did.

Ramblings of a lunatic I guess is what it is tonight. I lay in bed at night thinking about everything from the color of my bedroom to the true meaning of life and if there really is a Santa Clause Charley Brown. I'm just putting it down tonight. As I sit here smelling the popcorn my husband must have made. At least he didn't bring it up to wave in my face. He really is a good guy, my husband.

I sat on the floor to play with the baby today. I absolutely love being able to stay home with her. I worked on getting her to talk most of the afternoon. I finally got her to say 'cracker' only it was more like kah-kuh. But I know what she means. And she got the biggest kick out of me doing a happy dance every time she'd repeat it back to me and then say T-ank ou. She really is too cute.

Okay, bed is calling my name. Here's hoping it's only two wake-ups tonight! Maybe I can play nice tomorrow.