I think it's absolutely ridiculous that I feel guilty because I have feelings. Like it's not ok to feel things. I know that I don't always need to let my feelings guide me through life but I should be able to experience some emotion without feeling guilty for having it. My feelings are hurt and every time he hurts me like this it brings up all the same hurt feelings over the last 13.5 years of our relationship.

I'm a girl. I'm emotional. I like to talk. I like to talk about FEELINGS. Deal with it. Let me be who I am.

Garbage

So, I feel like I have all this crap to say and no where to put it. I'm frustrated and I have nowhere to get rid of that either. Corey switched shifts at work and it's not a bad thing but it's definitely affecting my side of our relationship.

I've tried not to make a big deal out of things because I really don't want him to regret his decision *he did do it to help keep our family afloat financially. I only need him to know that this sucks for me. I don't expect him to 'fix it'. I just need to vent it out. I've tried to be supportive. I really don't know what else to do. I've tried to keep my mouth shut and this stuff just ends up sitting here festering.

He threw away a porn dvd thing the other night. It wasn't just in the garbage-he busted the cd all to pieces. I didn't even know what was on there. It just said 'stuff' on the front of it. It really wasn't a big deal except that the night before I left him a note (when I went to bed I stuffed it in his kindle).

I've been working my way through the Love Dare book most of the summer. It's supposed to take forty days to accomplish but it took me longer. And when I got ticked with things I walked away from it. So, it took me a little longer to finish. Anyway, I worked on this letter for at least two weeks cause it just wasn't coming together the way I wanted it to. It was supposed to be about how committed I am to sticking this out through anything (I think we've already proved that tho). And then the last day was to write out some sort of renewal of your vows. I decided to add them to the end of the note.

I made sure to give it to him on a night that he didn't have to work, hoping that he'd come up stairs and it would prompt a conversation. We hardly talk since he's switched shifts. He's grouchy when he wakes up at night and will listen to me ramble on about the day but isn't much for give and take at that point in the day. In the morning when he gets home he's grouchy tired and isn't in the mood for conversation. So, I'm left with all this crap sitting here stewing waiting to boil over.

The porn thing wasn't a big deal. I wanted it to be a big deal. I spent two weeks working on a letter to him. When I woke up that day he was pissed and his porn was in the garbage. I wanted him to say,"I DID IT FOR YOU. I want you, no one else. You make me happy." That's what I wanted to hear. Instead I go to wake up to a husband in a bad mood.

I guess that's why I kept bringing it up. I know that I have high expectations and I should totally be over it after almost fourteen years that we've been together. I guess that I'm to the point that I'd like to feel like I'm appreciated. I know that it's silly of me to expect him to appreciate me but I really worked on my side of our relationship all summer with the love dare. I stepped out so many times to tell him how much I appreciate what you do. And I KNOW that I shouldn't expect something in return BUT I DID. I'm trying to get over it. But it's not like we can talk about it.

And ever since some years ago I don't want to talk about feelings cause it ends up all about me and that's not what I want either. I'm selfish, I get that. I'm working on it. I am trying not to be.

I don't want to just exist. I don't like living just to get through each day. Being grouchy with anyone that crosses my path. I DON'T have pms and this isn't just going away. I want to feel good about life and decisions I've made-not just survive. I've absolutely been on the verge of tears for weeks now. I'm short tempered with my kids and no matter how much I pray about it things aren't going away. I get bad mood in the morning and bad mood at night. He said this morning that I should wake him up earlier so he has time to wake up before he leaves for work, um, no thanks, don't think I could handle having to be around it any longer than I am already.

I'm sorry but this is where I am right now. It sucks. One day I'm sure I'll get over it. God will give me grace to survive but I dont' want to just make it through.

holiness

do you ever feel like someone is just more 'holy' than yourself? Do you ever feel like some people think that they are holier than you? I wonder why you have that feeling? I wonder why I have that feeling? I see people with all their religiosity and I just have to chuckle. I'm sure you think that you are holier than I. I'm sure you believe there are levels. I have to say that I believe that is a myth because when Jesus died for us he didn't only die for the people that read x amount of Bible every day, or for people who pray for x amount of hours each day. He died for ALL of us. ALL. Me too. Whether I spend hours on my knees praying every day. Of if I can't finish a sentence without a brain fart.

I know that Father God Loves ME too. No matter what you think. That's all I have to say about that (well for now anyway)

Randomness

So the oldest daughter tells me the other day that sometimes her friends call her Random because she spouts off random thoughts. She is the child most like her father in our house. Physically alike, super tall and thin. Neither of them are particularly pleasant in the mornings. Mentally-the same smart quirky-ness. They'd both like to be alone more than with others. And now, the name. Corey's handle on any of the havens, boards, whatever, was/is Random because he would spout off randomness.

I'm feeling a little lost right now. Not quite sure where to put these things I'm feeling. I should say that I'm pms-y and a little sensitive. I understand that. I really do. I'm just not sure where to put this stuff.

I wrote Corey a letter yesterday-well, finished it yesterday after working on it for two weeks. It was day 39 of the Love Dare. I had to write a letter of commitment to him stating that I'm here to stay. Day 40 is to re-write your wedding vows. So, I did both into one. Seriously, I've been working on this for two weeks off and on when he's not around cause I did really want it to be a surprise. Well, I finished it, printed it, and hid it in his kindle before I went to bed last night. I figured it would be a nice surprise for him to find when he was all alone in the night. He's told me how hard it is to be alone in the quiet so many nights of the week.

I guess I was silly to expect any sort of big reaction. That just isn't his style. But I wanted it. Instead I got a few lines in an email about him being proud of me finishing the dare. That and an attitude most of the morning.

I absolutely hate how I feel right now. My heart hurts. He hardly spoke two words to me when he was awake this morning. Well, he went to sleep and ended up again. He couldn't sleep and got up to eat. Spent some time eating and then went back up to bed.

I was surprised when I got up this morning that there wasn't more. I saw a broken up cd in the garbage when I got up this morning and I'm pretty sure that it was a cd that Jen made for him.

He just seems mad about everything and I honestly don't know what to do to fix it. I walk on egg shells so he can get a full eight hours of sleep every day. I try and keep the kids out of his hair when he is awake. I want him to spend time with them-not yell at them for being kids.

I just feel like it's all I can do to keep my head above water right now. I feel like I'm sinking and I HATE this feeling.

I don't think it would be such a big deal if he would just say, boom, this is what you did that ticked me off and let's move on. BUT HE WON'T.

And I really thought that the letter was uplifting. I hate putting so much stock into what he thinks. BUT I DO. He's my life and he won't even let me in to what he's dealing with-whatever it is.