Man, I don't want to be cliche, but I'm really beginning to hate this time of year. I have been so down lately and I just can't seem to get my head back into it. My kids are home all week this week and next and all I want to do is nap. I'm not sure what my problem is. I've been away from 'home' at this time of the year many times before now. C and I are at a great spot in our relationship so that's not it. My kids are behaving as well as can be expected. I mean, they all got new ds games for Christmas so they've been spending a lot of time with that and then playing on the Wii when we let them.

I feel like I need a break. I just want to sleep. I'm hoping that I'm not slipping back into a depression. I need to remember to take my happy pills on a regular basis so I don't slip back into it.

I've been stuck in my head a lot lately. I have been 'off' my plan since Tuesday night. I made it through our turkey dinner with just my salad and some turkey and then boom in the night I ate all the sugar cookies my mom had sent us. Don't worry, she only sent six--one for each of us.

Like I said before, C and I are at a wonderful spot in our relationship. It's taken us a long time to get here but one of the first real signs of my depression is feeling like I'm all alone when I know that there are people around that care for me. Again, I don't know if it's depression or just this time of year and being away from my family.

My mom and I cried on the phone together the other day because we don't get to see each other. I got very upset with my sister on the phone when I called my parent's on Christmas. She was very short with me and then pretty much hung up on me when everyone got there. My mom didn't even know that I called. And I decided I wasn't going to call back to get my feelings hurt again. She was pretty pissed when she found out that I had called and no one told her. My sister is turning back into that person I can't stand. She is very selfish and it's not something that needs to happen when you have kids. She has some jackass living with her that hasn't held a real job since before he moved in--which was sometime before I moved to Texas. He had a job at the store where my mom and sister work but got fired for calling in too many times. Supposedly he was vomiting blood but never went to the dr. If he would have gotten a dr's note he would have kept his job.

I guess my sis has gone back to asking my parents for money on a regular basis. When I talked to my mom one day last week she's pretty much said that she's cutting my sister off cause she (mom) and dad are not working full time jobs so that jackass can sit on his ass not having a job.

Okay, need to go tend to the kids. Baby is napping and I need to figure out the food situation for tonight.

Tired, again, or still?

I feel like I'm tired most of the time these days. I'm not getting good sleep at night anymore. I went to bed late last night, well, incredibly late for me--10:30ish. When hub got into bed it woke me up--12am ish. Had to pee at 2:36am. Woke up again at 5ish, maybe had the urge again but went back to sleep. Alarm blared me awake at 5:40am.

I'm going to stay up tonight wrapping presents for the kids. Gotta see if I need to get anything else before the big day.

Gotta go figure out dinner and clean some stuff while baby is napping.

Crazy!

Well, things have been a little crazy here lately. I've not been online since last Thursday if that tells you anything. Not that anything was wrong with the computer, there wasn't. I just didn't get a chance to get on here. C didn't go to work on Friday. We sat downstairs watching shows that we had dvr'd. Today I'm going to balance all the bills and hit Walmart when baby gets up from her nap. I feel like I have a thousand things to do. I'm going to go through all the things we've bought for the kids so I can see what I need to get. I have to get all the shopping done this week while the kids are still in school.

I'm feeling super stressed trying to figure out everything that I need to get done. And where is the $$ coming from. I wanted this to be a plastic free Christmas, first time in years. Well, that's not going to happen. We don't get paid again until Friday and I have to get the stuff this week. Not quite working out. I guess we'll see what happens.

Ready for bed anyone?

I am and it's only 10:30 am. I've got awhile before I can sleep. I've been hiding out lately. Lounging on the couch when I can. I've been fighting a cold for a few days. I think that Sat I woke up feeling funny. Sunday woke up with a major sore throat and it's just gotten worse from there. Not really the flu but still sick. Pain in the butt.

So, when baby gets up I have to go get gas for my grill or we're having sandwiches for dinner tonight. I refuse to cook certain things in the house. Either it smells up the whole house or the food just doesn't taste as good. So, it's gas or sandwiches!

I've been catching up on this season of Biggest Loser while being laid up in bed. I am SOOO ordering the videos that Bob makes! They don't come out until Dec. 18th so instead of being my Christmas present they might end up being an early birthday gift to me. I love Bob and his is a cardio something. I can't wait.

Okay, have tons of housewife stuff to do, like laundry. Gotta go.

I think I feel better today. I think that I am usually just upset by the time I get to the computer that I end up being all negative and grouchy. I got the baby down for her nap and I'm going to get some house stuff done.

I laid in bed thinking last night, something I normally do before I drift off. I am happy with where my life has taken me. I'm just frustrated right now. I guess I expected more. When I decide to do something I want instant gratification. I know, not always a possibility. And I know that when I don't see instant results I get frustrated.

I think this 'dieting' is affecting everything else in my life. I'm not losing as fast as I had and now instead of being upset and focusing on not losing as quickly I'm easier to anger about other things. After thinking about it I'm just mad that my body is being stubborn and holding on to the weight. I'm frustrated because even though I've dropped 70#s now I've only lost about 3-4 pant sizes. Went from a tight 24/comfortable 26 to a very snug 18. I know my body is different than everyone else's but it's frustrating.

Probably not the time to divulge information but the other night my husband commented on not being so comfortable because I was getting too bony. Now, that makes me happy cause I'm getting bony just not in the spots that I want or the spots that really need it. My ribs are poking him. I just can't seem to get rid of my stomach and my hips/thighs. It's just frustrating.

I keep thinking that I could lose another 20 pounds and probably be in the same bottoms. And under my girls is not going to get any smaller. My rib bones are showing. It's just frustrating. I thought I had come to terms with the fact that I'm a BIG girl. I can see now that I have not. I don't want to be stuck in an 18 forever. My dream would be to get my huge hips into a 12 so I can be somewhat normal. So, again, I guess that most of the time I'm fine with things and then I sit in front of here and type and negative comes out. Makes me question what that says about me.

On a positive note, it's Friday. I have NOTHING planned for the weekend. C has to go to work tomorrow to take some all day test to see if he can get moved to the next level. Here's hoping cause with said level comes pay raise. That would be a nice bonus. When the baby gets up I'm going to run some errands. Today was payday and I'm going to get some more Christmas stuff. Okay, gotta move or I'm going to get stuck here!

Hmm

Happy? I don't know? I'm satisfied most of the time. Happy with where I am in this life. Being a stay at home mom. Being involved with my children. Happy that I've decided to do something about my health and in so doing I'm doing something about my weight.

I have been stuck in my head a lot lately. I've realized I'm vulnerable to other peoples emotions. When one of my moms visits me and they get all riled up telling me about something I find myself getting all riled up. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I am glad that I've connected with them. I can say that I have friends but I find myself obsessing about what I can do to make their lives better. Reading journals and blogs and emails I can feel the pain and fear of my friends. I know that it's normal to 'connect' with people and be supportive. But I seem to spend a lot of time trying to make other people happy and forget to look at myself.

When I find myself doing the above I end up pulling back into my 'shell' and just ignoring things. I have this wonderful little belief that if I ignore it long enough it will just go away. UM, NOT QUITE HOW THINGS WORK. And then I feel helpless. If I can't do enough.

Anyway, ramblings again. I'm going to start taking some pills again. And I really need to find a dr here. Just another thing to do while I'm online.

Grouchy anyone?

Yah, I had my two servings today and am fully stocked. I don't know what my problem is lately. I'm just grouchy. Everyone makes me mad. I want to ask people 'where did you put your brain today?' I keep telling myself to get over it but so far I can't shake it. I got up this morning and did my usual scale dance (scale-pee-scale-shower-scale) and I got a good number 214.8. I should be happy. This is the lowest I've been in YEARS. I mean, like five years. So, I know I should be happy. Instead I'm sitting here thinking about how someone that is supposed to be my friend is just totally taking advantage of me. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to get away from it. I don't even want to answer my phone anymore cause I know she's going to ask me for something.

So, I need to get to Walmart when baby wakes up. I have some stuff to do after school today. The boy child has young astronauts right after school and then boy scouts at 6:30 which means dinner on the stove ready to go when I pick them up from school. Which also means I need to go clean the kitchen.

Thinking

I've been thinking a lot lately. I seem to reflect a lot more than usual this time of year. Of course things have been changing this year. I've come a long way baby. I keep thinking about where I was last year at this time. In Feb it will be my official one year anniversary on mf. I think about diet and exercise a lot lately. I think about being a good mom and not someone that's just around to fix the food and do the laundry. I think about being a good wife. I think about being a good friend. I think about where I've been and where I'm going in life.

At the beginning of the year I had a full time job that I mostly enjoyed. I had my youngest daughters in 'day care' because of it. I was living in IN. I weighed a whole heck of a lot more than I do now. Since Feb I've lost a total of about 50-52# at any given time. Total weight loss from my highest is 65-67#s.

Sometimes I feel like I obsess about diet and weight. It seems to be all I can think about sometimes. When can I eat again. What will I have next. Am I going to get my little exercise in for the day? How do I feel?