Staind

When I weighed this morning I was at 218.8. Not bad. Five pounds since Tuesday. I've spent time on here today looking for cheap cd's and dvd's to get for myself and C for Christmas. I will make them be from the kids.

Not much going on in my head right now. Keep thinking of sleep.

Tired

I'm tired. I guess I've been tired for some time now. I never seem to enjoy an entire night of sleep. I get up at least once a night for a bathroom visit. And lately at least one of the kids has decided to wake me to tell me, 1-they had to use the bathroom, 2-they had a bad dream, 3-they wanna sleep with me. So, I've been getting interrupted sleep a lot lately.

Anywho, this am I was 220.2. Hoping for a much lower number tomorrow. I set a mini goal to be at 205 for the end of the year/new years day. I can remember setting a goal to be at 215 the year Ms. Morgana would have been about 1.5 years old, that would have been four years ago. Pretty funny how your perception/perspective changes with time. When I got down to 215 at that time I thought I was hot stuff. Haven't felt so hot much lately. I mean don't get me wrong, things have been much better. I'm assuming it's my confidence with my smaller body. But being 220 now feels like 250 compared to being 220 four years ago. That probably doesn't make any sense to anyone but me. But again, this just proves that it's all in your mind.

I'm a people watcher. I watch people when I'm not eyeballing my children to make sure they're safe and all that. More and more I've noticed that I am not the biggest person in the world anymore. We had a 'roundup' type boyscout meeting tonight. I am comfortably in my 20's now. There were other moms there and while a couple were small the majority were larger gals. I can't get over how so many big girls are stuffing themselves into clothing that does not fit. As a big girl I love the big baggy stuff to 'hide' my flaws. I've noticed that a lot of larger moms (probably should be my size) are squeezing themselves into much smaller clothing (probably a 12 or 14 bottoms). Girls do you really think that no one sees that belly hanging over? And then I have to question, are they just in denial about how they've let themselves go or do they really think they look good like that? My sister did this after she had kids. She refused to admit that she had some flaws (VERY MINOR FLAWS) and she would stuff herself into her pre-pregnancy clothes. You should know that I would just about kill for a body like my sisters. Although she is a little rounder than most she is very attractive physically. She just needs to figure out how to work with what she has now instead of thinking she's exactly how she was pre-kids. Hm, where's this coming from? I'm not sure. I know that not everyone has foody issues. I just wonder if these girls that are having overhang are ok. Are they depressed. Has anyone taken the time out to talk to them and ask them how they are?

My cousin called me yesterday. My BIG cousin. We didn't have time to get into the whole diet thing. I just can't imagine going back to where I have been. I refuse to let it happen. EVER. I told my husband that he was allowed to shoot me if I ever did.

Ramblings of a lunatic I guess is what it is tonight. I lay in bed at night thinking about everything from the color of my bedroom to the true meaning of life and if there really is a Santa Clause Charley Brown. I'm just putting it down tonight. As I sit here smelling the popcorn my husband must have made. At least he didn't bring it up to wave in my face. He really is a good guy, my husband.

I sat on the floor to play with the baby today. I absolutely love being able to stay home with her. I worked on getting her to talk most of the afternoon. I finally got her to say 'cracker' only it was more like kah-kuh. But I know what she means. And she got the biggest kick out of me doing a happy dance every time she'd repeat it back to me and then say T-ank ou. She really is too cute.

Okay, bed is calling my name. Here's hoping it's only two wake-ups tonight! Maybe I can play nice tomorrow.

Begin again

Woohoo! I got my order last night. At 8:05pm the doorbell rang and C and I just looked at each other and I said "WHAT? My friends don't come over this late!"

Well, he answered the door and it was a box! I'm so excited. I got my order! I've already had two shakes so far today. I'm not feeling too bad. I had my second shake about an hour ago. I'm on my fourth bottle of water. The baby and I will walk to get the kids from school cause it's supposed to be nice out. I'll take a lap around the subdivision before we go tho. I should mention that I was 223.8 this morning. I know for a fact that when I transition to maint. I should probably go a little lower than my goal weight just cause I'm probably going to gain some weight back. This was two days off plan. And I wasn't being bad, just eating 'normal' foods. Just much smaller portions. And not a lot of snacking going on.

So, I've been kind of blah lately. I have a whole lot of things to get done and I DO NOT feel like doing any of them. I have a friend that needs to do some sewing and she's had problems motivating herself to do what needs to be done. I love to crochet. I got my niece's blanket done and started another blanket. I'm so frustrated that I don't even want to work on it. It's going to be for my good grams. And I have no intention of having it done for Christmas although it would be a nice surprise to just mail it to her. Instead of working on it, I'm pissing myself off trying to get it done in time to surprise her so I'm not working on it at all. Pretty stupid right. Yeah, I know. Again, it's all in the mindset. I know I don't have to have it done but I've put a deadline on it. And instead of working towards that goal I'd rather pout and not work on the blanket at all. I mean, it's just a blanket. And she doesn't even know I'm doing it. So, no big deal if it's NOT done in time.

Again, all mindset. Same thing with the 'diet'. I know I shouldn't call it that. But for me to do it I have to say I'm on a diet. I can't have that. Thanks anyway.

Well, C had the day off yesterday so we decided to get some of the shopping done for the kids. I think that we have a majority of the gifts bought. I need to get at least one outfit for each kid. And some purple sheets to go with a comforter I bought. I'm going to get a Walmart card after Christmas and start putting $20 or $40 on it each time he gets paid. If I only do the $20 then I will have at least $440 saved for next year's Christmas. Now I just have to remember to do it. I vowed that we would not be using any plastic to purchase gifts this year (other than debit cards) and we have not used them yet. Also, we would not be behind on our bills just to be able to buy expensive gifts. I'm taking the lead of a friend in thinking about the gifts I will be giving instead of just getting something to be able to have something to give. I think that for my two new girlfriends here I will take a start off of my spider plant and plant them and give them a new plant for Christmas. Is that cheesy? The one girl just moved in down the street and I was going to do it as a housewarming gift. I also thought about doing little starts for both her girls. Jo got two spider plant starts from her teacher last year and she thought she was HOT STUFF! Plus the one plant has about ten babies hanging on it.

Okay, need to move and get some stuff done. Laundry, dishes, kitchen, read the Sunday paper.

Tired

Okay, so my 'friend' showed up yesterday. As expected. Like I said, it took me awhile but I finally realized why I'd rather cry and scream than anything else.

Today I was 218.8. Ugh, I feel FAT.

I made it to the store yesterday but was stupid enough to forget my wallet at home so I had to RUN home and get it and go BACK to the store. At least the crowd wasn't bad.

Okay, have to get things situated for the party we're having. It starts at three so I still have three hours to finish vacuuming and get the food going. I'm feeding the kids mac and cheese and hot dogs.

PMS anyone???

Okay, so I have some PMS related issues. Took me a few days to figure it out. My fuse has been incredibly short these last few days. I woke up today with a headache, normal sign of coming visitor, and said, hello, dumb ass, where's your brain been, no wonder you've been such a joy to live with lately.

So, I've claimed that. She still isn't here but at least I know why my boobs hurt and why I wanted to eat most of the day yesterday (I DIDN'T DO IT, btw). I threatened to eat the kids arms if someone didn't get their crap out of my way so I could make ANOTHER salad. I made it through the day though without wrecking what I've been working towards. Don't get me wrong, it was very hard for me. I got angry about it all when I started smelling all the smells but then I reminded myself that I needed to be grateful for what I have.

Anyway, when the rest of the fam here started to enjoy the pumpkin pie, which I hate anyway-but was talking to me, I decided to call my fam back in Indiana and talk to everyone that had gone to my p's to enjoy a feast. They passed me around and I have to say it was well worth it. My dad had my uncle make a dvd of all the pics they took while on vacation here. Well, when I called they were watching the pics. My fav grams grabbed the phone from my mom and just says oh my gosh Stephie, congratulations. Yes, my grams calls me Stephie, it used to be Stephie Dawne but I got her to drop the middle name years ago. Anyway, she was so excited to tell me what a difference she could see that she had grabbed the phone from my mom. I was so happy. I had to call my grams this morning to tell her that she made my day yesterday.

So, I was 216.4 yesterday. Today was 216.8. I know that it's PMS related. I wore a dress yesterday that I haven't had on in seven years. Yah, it was big on me but that's how I like them. My biggest 'problem' area is my stomach. I have a feeling it's never going to go away. I've decided that once I get to MY ideal weight I'm going to go have that dress altered to fit my new body. I'm keeping that one.

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I guess that being away from my family during holidays always seems to bring this side out. I know that it's probably not a good thing, but I'm glad that I didn't have to go to someone else's house for T-day. I'm not sure that I could have handled it. Plus, there is just so much drama in my family right now. I love my sister to death but she needs to act like she's an adult, not a 17yo kid. When I asked her about her idiot boyfriend she all of a sudden had to get off the phone.

Tuesday was my oldest daughters birthday. My sis called that night bawling from work. Not quite the happy birthday I was hoping for. After she talked to Josephina she tells me that I can't tell mom but her boyfriend might be the dad to some newborn baby. They have to do a paternity test to find out. I would think that this is not such a big deal since sis and said ass have only been together since March or April. The math does not add up. Baby would have been made before they got together right?? Whatever. I don't understand that ass anyway. He's happy hoping it's his cause he wants to know he can father a child. Same jackass that didn't hold a job for five out of the last six months. He doesn't understand why my sis hasn't gotten pregnant yet. Um, hello, do you REALLY need to bring another kid into it? My sis has two kids already. My parent's have to baby sit a couple of nights a week cause she needs the 'help'. I really don't think a baby would fix anything.

And then there's my other grandma. My dad's mom. My husband and I had a conversation about her last night. She is just something else. There's not really any way to describe her. She's one of those people. Living in denial. She's got to be pushing 300#. I get so angry when we have family things with her cause she's the one SITTING at the dessert table putting things in her mouth saying "I shouldn't be having this" as she puts the crap in her mouth. I don't know if I would have had the nerve to keep my mouth shut this year.

And my brother. Let's see...he comes up to my parents house so he can sleep for the entire time he's there. Not a big deal right? Except that he's got a six year old son that is very demanding of my mother. He only comes to visit so he has a babysitter. And I would have had to smack that kids mouth for ordering my mother around.

I am glad that I didn't have to deal with any of that yesterday. Between my pms and the 'dieting' I probably would have exploded on a few people. I'm glad I just had to deal with my own kids and the hub. Well, that and my own food issues and anger and all the baggage that comes with me.

So, today is Friday, and as much as I don't want to leave my house for fear of black friday shoppers, I need to go to the grocery store and buy milk, lettuce, tomatoes, bread and some candy for the goody bags for our party tomorrow. I am going to shower and then go once the baby gets up from her nap. I hope she wakes up in a good mood. And I hope all the crazies have gone home by the time I have to go out. The deals should be well over by noon right. Hopefully they don't all decide to go to the store once they've done all the other stuff.

Better??

I guess we'll see. I just laid baby down. I hope that she decides to take a nap today. She has only taken a one hour nap so far today. With everything else that has been going on that just isn't going to work for me.

Diet wise, I'm on bottle seven of water (x16.9 oz=118.3 oz). Not completely done with it yet tho. Have only had coffee and one salad so far today. I'm going to go eat another salad when I'm done typing. I was 217.8 this morning. Attitude-not bad. I can't wait for my 'food' to get here. I will be a much happier person when I have some choices. I need some shakes. I'm so sick of the crap stuff that I have right now that I've been skipping my meals. I know, I don't need a lecture, that's not a good thing. I gave the same lecture to my mom when she was here. I just can't stomach the chic noodle soup any more.

My 'big' kids have stopped most of their drama. Six year old has been included with the others.

Okay, so, I know it's almost Thanksgiving, and I always seem to reflect on things that I am truly thankful for. This year will be no different. I am thankful that my husband is not an ass. He and I had to have that conversation again last night. I've told you about my coffee friends? Well, the one mom, D, brought her friend over yesterday. This is the first time I've met the other chica, H. Well, they both start going off on their husbands and what jerks they are. Something was on tv at the time and D says, man, can you imagine having someone love you as much as you can see him loving her (guy on tv looking at woman on tv). Why would you stay married to someone that you think is an ass? H, has a three month old, thinks she could be pregnant again, will find out Dec 3 if another baby (5mo) is her husbands. UM, HELLO! Stupid.

I am thankful that Corey and I are comfortable enough with each other now that we can talk about so many different things. I am glad that he is a good dad. I am glad that he has given me the opportunity to stay home with our youngest. I was a sahm mom for so many years. When I went back into the work-force it was necessary due to our financial situation. He hates change. And he took a new job and we moved so I could stay home. Of course it was something that we discussed, don't think that he just decided to get a new job.

I am thankful for my children and their health. Even if they do occasionally irritate me. I am glad that they are healthy. We have had no major illnesses this year. No hospitalizations. I am thankful that I have smart children.

I am thankful for new friendships. Whether in person or on my computer and telephone. I have a couple of new friends that I have come to cherish. I did not realize that for so long I was without true friends. I mean, I had some friends that I could talk to about SOME things but I would never bare my soul to them. I know for a fact that if I needed anything I could call my friend A! She's already trying to bend over backwards to make me happy. And NO not in a bad clingy way. She's a true friend. We actually have had conversations about how well we have connected. I swear she's like a long lost sister.

Okay, I need to do some stuff while baby is sleeping.

BAD MOOD

Sometimes my kids just PISS ME OFF. I swear, I love them to death but some days they just PUSH MY BUTTONS.

Better

Well, I'm feeling better than I have been lately. I'm still weighing daily. Today was 218.8. Same as yesterday. Not bad I guess. As I said before, I've been a little 'off' lately. Not quite sure what I was doing. Only half-assing the mf thing. More low-carb than mf actually. I ordered more food. That should help.

I guess I've just been in a funk with this attitude since before my parents got here. The whole 'poor me' dilemma. Why am I the fat one? Why is that I have to watch every single thing that goes into my mouth? Why am I not happy with the 66.2# that I have already lost? Am I really not happy? Wouldn't I be happy stopping now and just being satisfied to be the fat friend for the rest of my life? Why can't I have subway?

Anyway, this funk has been unbearable. I'm hoping to come out of the fog soon. I've tried to surround myself with supportive friends. My one friend, the same that would unintentionally sabotage me, is very supportive now that I've explained things to her. She even argued with me when I said that I would be taking time off when my p's were in town. Her argument was "you've done so well why stop now?"

She has been awesome. It's funny to be 32 and be able to say I have a best friend. I haven't had a close female friend for a very long time. I mean, I was civil to the women that I worked with. Just not on an intimate, share secrets, kind of friendship. She's a few years older than I. We both seem to be heading the same direction in life. Maybe a little different than what others are doing. We both seem to be extremely focused on our kids. Something that I don't see a lot of these days. And we're both loving wives.

Speaking of hubs. After spending time with other people I have started to tell him nightly, "thanks for not being an ass". I just don't understand women who live in a bad situation. Don't tell me you love him bossing you around and being an all around jack ass. So, anyway, I love my husband. It's taken us a very long time to get to this point. A lot of insecurity along the way, mostly one sided (ME). But, we talk now, and I think we understand each other better than we ever have. I always thought that we were soul mates. We just clicked. But it takes a lot of energy to share yourself with another person.

Okay, after talking in circles I'm going to go work on dinner. I need to make stuffing for girl scouts. They're going to go feed the fire-fighters.

Out of sorts

I have been somewhat out of sorts lately. I am of course, analyzing everything. I posted on my board and was totally honest. I still don't feel as if I belong there but I feel much better about being honest. I have been less than diet obsessed for a couple of days now. I even had two soft shelled tacos at dinner last night. I know that throws things out of whack. I need to do some research online and find out exactly how many carbs I can eat each day. I've only eaten two salads so far today. I've got a ham in my roaster and will have that and a salad at dinner.

I gotta make a phone call.

Here, again

Well, this would be day two in a row. I'm sitting here with a knot in my stomach. There are so many things going on right now. I just don't get the computer time I want. I should be downstairs cleaning and then doing my strength exercises. Instead I'm sitting here on the computer while I actually have a few minutes. I put the baby down early for a nap. I'm going to try and run some errands when she gets up. I need to hit a Wal-mart and after that I don't know what I'll do. I'm hoping to be able to walk to get the kids this afternoon. My two big ones are going out with Ms. Alice after school. I might have her daughter while they go but I'm not sure yet. I feel bad because she wants to take my kids. I just want to enjoy the quiet. I'll have to see how Morgan is after school before I say yes.

I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't focus on my lack of friends here. My new neighbor down the street, D, is wrapped up in her own stuff right now. Her husband seems incredibly controlling and it's harder and harder for me to keep my mouth shut when she starts telling me what an ass he is. She is such a strong woman. I can't see her putting up with any of it. He makes me feel very trashy when I'm around him. Like I should live in a trailer park or something. They just bought their house and went out and bought almost all brand new furniture...sectional sofa, dinning table with chairs, a bistro (?) table, two new beds, and a whole load of misc. stuff. My other friend gave a box spring and mattress to them and when we stopped to drop it off controlling husband looked like his eyes were going to bug out of his head. He didn't even want it in the house. She just kind of laughed it off. I keep thinking about it. I don't think that I'm jealous. She actually gave me two loft beds that they don't want anymore and I'm soooo excited to get them in the house and put them up. I just can't imagine being so snooty as to not accept something that someone has given you because it's not brand new.

Okay, so, let's move on. I'm going to call my friend in Ohio as soon as I'm sure the baby is down. I need to sit down and figure out the bills for next Friday when hub gets paid again. And then I am going to get moving and get stuff done so I can enjoy my shopping day out after naptime.

Another day...

I swear to myself that I'm going to get on here daily and write. Not for you, but for me. It makes me feel much nicer when I get my shit out. And then I skip days cause crazy shit happens. I had to get Texas plates for my van. Nasty woman on the phone says, 'you know they can repo your van if you don't get your plates switched over'. Um, no, I didn't know that. But you really don't need to be a bitch about it either. Ask nicely and I'll get it done.

So, spent about three hours yesterday from when we left the house to when we pulled back into the driveway to get that shit done. I got pretty pissy with the window lady. I had called there yesterday morning. Wanted to make sure I had ALL the stuff with me. My friend was driving me down and I don't just live down the street--what do I need to have. Woman on the phone is saying things and I'm asking, this is what I have is it enough or do I need to go find actual insurance policy. No, glovebox card is enough. Get downtown and woman at window says, um, need to know coverage this won't work. Again, friend took time out of her day to drive me down there cause she has gps in her truck. Woman calls supervisor and supervisor says well, woman on phone didn't know you were from out of state. I politely say, yes, maam she did cause I said, I'm relocating from Indiana and I need to have Texas plates and registration for my van. WHAT DO I NEED? I also made sure that they would not be going out to check vin or any of that on the van since friend was driving. I made sure to tell woman on phone this information.

So, after a very red face, and loads of time filling out much paperwork-some forms even twice-I have plates for my van. After Christmas I will go get the shit for hubs car. NOT GOING TO DEAL WITH THAT ANYTIME SOON.

Diet wise I'm doing fine. Today is day three back on plan. I gained nine, yes, nine pounds from Oct 31-Nov 12. I weighed in at 227 on Tuesday when I started up on mf again. Today it was 222.4. Not bad for two days right? I need to get ahold of my buddy and order some food.

Okay, gotta get moving so I can get to the store when baby wakes. I have to go get some stuff out of friends garage that she's giving me (loft beds) at 1pm and I need groceries before that.

Ranting of a lunatic

That's exactly how I feel these days. I mentioned before that I seemed to unknowingly join a cult??? I enjoy this 'fat girl board' as I call them. There are a few boys on board, not to be discriminating. Anyway, my 'diet' of choice is medifast, most of the time, and I found this board. I thought said board would be awesome to join in on. Lots of support and encouragement. No blatant flaming going on during my lurking. I have limited computer time. Easy to log on and fill my cup with positive vibes right? Wrong. I cannot stand small minded people. People who believe that the only way to do things is their way. There is never any middle ground. Never grey, just straight up black and white. Right or wrong. Win or lose.

Well, I'm sorry that I don't fit your little cookie cutter mold. I like to be different. That's just part of me. Hub and I joke that it's nice to be different, just like everyone else. But seriously. How boring would life be if everyone was exactly the same? Believed the same things. You cannot go through life with blinders on thinking that there is only one way to do things. Maybe I am just crazy? At my last job I had to train people for their positions. I would always start by saying, 'this is how I do it, once you figure out what needs to be done, you'll find the way that works best for you' and I'd leave it at that. Pretty simple really. This is what needs to be done, this is when it needs to be done, here's all these other things you can use to fill time, figure out what works best for you. I don't want to live with machines. I want humans with feelings and thoughts and beliefs.

Point of this rant...the majority of the people on that fat board believe that mf is the only way to go. It's totally mf, totally compliant, on-plan or you can't be successful. When I began this re-start in August I had every intention of only working it for two weeks and then moving on. I wanted a quick start. I've worked it much longer because I had the supplies to do so. With $$ being a little tighter since we've moved I've had to rethink things. I know that I do not need to eat out all the time and spend $$. I also know that I'm not going to mf for the rest of my life. I'm okay with that. I'm not going to be the skinny little anorexic type. That's just not me. I want to keep my curves just lose some of the pudge. That's all.

Okay, rant over, I think, for now. I need to put my over tired behind to bed and sleep on it.

Can't sleep...

Well, my parents flew out this morning. It was a very nice week while they were here. Now it's just depressing. They told my kids bye last night before bed. All three of my big kids went to bed crying. They were all very upset to see the grandparents go away. And we're not sure when we'll see them again. Corey and I were talking about taking a vacation in IN next summer. Maybe around the fourth of July.

The week was crazy in and of itself. Kids were still in school. Parents got here Friday night a week ago (in the middle of the night again--11pm or so-way past my bedtime). We got up and spent some time together on Sat. Took the kids to the duck pond to feed all the ducks and then play on the toys. Had to hit a store after that so the p's could get all their bathroom stuff (didn't want to bring it in their luggage with them).

Don't think we did anything on Sunday??? Just did a lot of hanging out together. Spending time playing in the back yard. We had to hit the grocery store cause I didn't have carrots to put into the roast for dinner.

Monday and Tuesday Corey took off work. We went into his office on Mon. so the p's could see where he worked. Also got to see that part of town. We went to lunch at this local steak buffet. I didn't even have any steak.

Wednesday we went into the school and had lunch with all three kids. That was VERY time-consuming. Miss Morgana eats at 11:20, the boy eats at 11:50. And Josephina didn't come in until 12:10. It was also fun to try and entertain the baby that long. I think that I might go in once a week to eat with one kid. After we did lunch I drove the p's by the library and then around Lackland. My dad loves airplanes. Every since Sept. 11th they won't let anyone on base that shouldn't be there. So, we just drove around a lot.

Wednesday the boy child had young astronauts after school so we really didn't plan much. We took walks almost every night after dinner. I don't think that I walked less than five miles each day the p's were here.

We took the kids to Chuck E. Cheeses on Thursday night. It was nice. We got there around four and we were the only ones in there for like 30minutes. Then one other mom came in with two kids. I think we spent about three hours there. After a couple of hours it started to get a LOT busier.

Friday we went downtown after the kids got out of school. They only had a half day. We went on the Riverwalk and went to the Alamo. I was totally impressed. Corey has the 26th off this month and I told him that I wanted to go back downtown next time he has a weekday off. I had to fight a little with the baby to keep her in her stroller. But other than that it was pretty awesome. We did the boat ride tour thingy. I got to see the Christmas tree up at the river mall. I also found the IMAX theater (it's at the mall). I could have spent a LOT of time checking things out. We walked past a wax museum, the Guiness Book of Records Museum. I found the Children's museum. Plus all the buildings were just awesome. I'm not sure who but someone told me that I probably wouldn't be very impressed with the Alamo but I was. I could have spent a lot of time there reading all the displays and checking out all the grounds.

It was such a nice time to have the p's here. We didn't have any really stressful or crazy times. We had to rearrange the sleeping arrangements again. We put the airbed in the boys room and moved his bed out to the family room. That way mom and dad could share a room and everyone had a bed.

I'm so tired right now. I got up at 3:15 to be able to wake up a little before having to drive them to the airport this morning. I was back in bed before five. Baby was up at seven and was not very happy. She didn't get changed during the night last night so she was soaked. She's napping again. I tried to lay down but I can't sleep. Miss M was nice enough to try and give me a foot massage so I would go to sleep. It really just tickled sometimes.

Okay, kids are watching Spiderman 3. I'm going to go see what's happening and then fix some lunch. I think I'm done with this novel.

Oh, and I forgot to say C got called into work today. UGH. And I have NOT stepped on the scale this week cause I was TOTALLY OFF PLAN. I enjoyed too many treats. Either tomorrow or Tuesday I will rejoin the dieting community. *MORE ON THIS LATER. I didn't realize I joined a cult*