Stupidity

I really feel like I must have been living in a dream world. I can't shake it. He doesn't want me. The only way he would be happy is by divorcing me. In his mind that is the only option. I really just don't get it. I've been looking back and trying to understand. Trying to see some clue of him hating me as much as he does. I know we were busy. I know he was tired. He's always been quiet. Always. Never one to talk much.

I just don't know what my next step is. I am not pursuing any sort of anything. I'm not moving. I'm not making plans. I have called our church and a neutral counselor. I'm waiting for a call back to get that going. I'm scared that he's serious and he's leaving. I'm praying that his heart will change and he can see that our life together is really a good thing. I have tried to talk to him. See where things went from ok to done. He brought things up from ten years ago. Things that I thought I had been forgiven for.

I honestly don't know what to think. I've already told him that I still love him. And I tell him every night he leaves for work and every morning before he goes to bed. When did marriage become disposable? When did I become worthless to him. Of no value?

And our kids. Our poor clueless kids. I made sure to tell them on Thursday night that he and I have been fighting. They're all worried and have been acting out in their own ways. Keaton walked away from me this morning. Sydney had been quiet for a few days before she found out. Morgan is just Morgan. I went to bed on Thursday, and I always check in on them when I go up. She was still awake on her bed. She asked me if we had fought again. I didn't know how to answer her so I just told her that we weren't really talking. And then there's Tareyn. Sweet T that has been walking around the house like a holy terror. Testing every boundary there is.

I don't know how to fix this. And it sucks. He's done and unwilling to try and I'm sitting here clueless. I want this to be a building up for our relationship. Not an ending. I want him to feel valued because he is. I want him to feel important because he is. I want him to feel wanted because I DO.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. My heart feels like it might just scoot up my throat and out of my body. It keeps doing these weird little beats that are seriously beginning to flip me out. I am, what you would call, a HOT MESS. My life seemed ideal. We were getting by and managing just fine. OR so I thought. My husband has been a little on the moody side but I attributed that to his switching to third shift within the last few months (August) and the anniversary of the death of his mom a week ago. We don't always connect because of the odd work hours but I seriously thought that it was just a thing we had to get through.

He completely shook my world on Sunday evening when he came upstairs to tell me that he was done with this. He isn't happy and he's just done. Now, I promise you, if we had fought or had issues I wouldn't be a dumb struck as I am right now. I seriously had NO idea he was willing to just walk away. He's told me that I don't care how he feels because I never listen to him tell me how he feels. I can't do much now. I mean, I've told him that I'm not leaving. I honestly don't know what to do. I think my heart might just be breaking. I love that boy as much as I love air. I feel like I need it to survive. And I honestly can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what I would do.

I don't know what to do. It's like I'm sitting here waiting for him to decide what to do. It stinks. Because seriously, the boy is super important to me. And I thought that I was letting him know that by doing little things for him all the time. I mean, I'd take his car and fill it up with gas so he wouldn't have to do it. Or make sure we kept soda in the house cause he likes it when he gets up. Or keep the kids out of his hair when he was waking up. I just don't know. I thought I was speaking his language and obviously I wasn't. I need him to know that he's important. I need him to realize how much he means to me. I live my life to make him happy. That's my goal. TO see him smile because of something I did. And he is important. I told him HE is worth fighting for. Because to me, he's the only thing to fight for. I honestly don't know what else to say to him???

I'm lost.

Highlights!

Hehe, I got highlights put into my hair yesterday. T has walked around calling them stripes. She thinks my 'stripes are pretty awesome'! I think that since it's coming out of the mouth of a four year old it's an even better compliment!

We've had a pretty decent week this week after having some rough weeks with the big kids home from school on break. Not that the big kids were mis-behaving. It was mostly the four year old throwing fits because some bigger people would not entertain her at any given moment or that she couldn't have exactly what she wanted at the exact minute she asked for it (we're working on patience together-her and I both).

We had decided to try something new awhile ago and finally had the, um, opportunity, last Saturday night when T had a melt down on the way into her classroom at church. She ended up coming home with Corey while I stayed with the other three at service. When I got home we had her gather up her favorite toys (leapster with all the NEW games, barbie computer, crayons and some other electronic games). We explained that she would not have her things back for a few days (we hadn't actually set a specific time frame, except for the fact that she had to behave and follow rules to get the things back). Oh, and NO tv either. At ALL! So, we spent Sunday and Monday with nothing. We listened to Klove on the computer and that was it. Just spending time with each other.

I had decided to change my approach to this most strong willed child of mine and spend all my time with her doing what needed to be done. She is four btw and is quite a capable little person. She brought one of her little chairs out the kitchen and helped me make a casserole for dinner Monday night. She helped me fold laundry both Monday and Tuesday and then took things up to her dresser a few pieces at a time (and like things together so they'd get into the correct drawer). Anyway, after giving this child most of my attention and stopping a behavior before it actually got to that point, talking to her instead of letting it get to the point of raising my voice, really, just changing the way I was reacting to her behavior...we had a very good week. I am NOT going to make excuses for my child and her behavior lately but I do know in my heart that kids need boundaries and guidance and I was not doing my job by clearly showing what my expectations were.

Again, I'm not a parenting expert. And although I have gone through this age with three other children I feel as if I'm walking this path for the first time with the baby of our family.

We made it through this week and I am content that it was a better week than previous weeks!

Tada!

Well, we made it through another day! MissT was even lucky enough to get her 'ds' back last night about an hour before bed. *she hasn't had it since last Saturday because of a melt down she had at church Saturday night.

Ugh

Really? REallly? REALLY? I live in Texas. My immediate family (parents, brother, sister) live in Indiana. We moved here from there because we needed to. *that's a whole story in itself and not the point of my rant today*

My sister is the baby of the family. She has lived in a government subsidized house for the past two years. Before that she lived in my parent's basement. Before that she had a house and a full time job and was able to pay her bills because she also watched my youngest two kids, which I paid her for, like a real daycare situation. Except that she was able to keep her two kids with her also. Ok, getting off topic and that's the other story.

Anyway, she has to hand the keys over for her house on Monday at noon. I know that it's a sucky time to try and find a place to live. She has three kids now. And no real man in the picture. Her first to kids are hers with her ex-husband and he's a dead beat. He's something like $7,000 behind in child support but since he makes a payment every other month the state of Indiana won't go after him.

Daddy of baby number three is a dead beat. And by dead beat I mean, he has worked a total of four months in the three and a half years that I've been in Texas. He is 27 or 28 and still lives with his mom. Shares a room with is brother/nephew. That right there should tell you something of his family dynamics.

My sister had broke up with him or had him break up with her about 20 times in the last two years. I'm not even kidding~I quit counting after about 12 times. She even had a restraining order on him at one point. But, he's back in the picture which means no one in the family wants to help her out because helping her means helping him. As soon as she gets a new place he would move in. Whether she thinks it or not. He's stolen from my family, both things and money. He's stolen straight out of my sisters purse and she's ok with that.

She told me on the phone two days ago that there is absolutely NO WAY that she would ever even consider moving back in with my parents. She isn't even talking to them. Her and my mom work at the same grocery store. My parents help her out more that she's willing to admit. She gets food stamps every month yet every month my mom lets her come in and grocery shop and then pays for the groceries because what my sister was getting with her food stamps won't last a full month. Her dead beat baby daddy eats like a horse. I'm not kidding. If she makes something before she goes to work for the kids to eat for dinner she doesn't expect to eat any when she gets home because big boy has eaten the rest. So, she's the one out there working, taking care of her three kids. He comes over to watch the kids when she's at work, because, seriously, what else does he have to do?

This loser is the choice she has made. And because she chose him she's lost a whole load of things. In no certain order, her house, her van, another van, and apartment, another car. And besides the physical 'things' she also lost her friends. She is civil to the people she works with. And she might have a friend or two outside of work, but they are HIS sisters, of the girlfriends/wives of his brothers. Not her friends, not her choice. Just people put together.

Anyway, again, my sister is expecting someone to swoop in and rescue her. She thinks that over the next two to three days someone is just going to jump in a fix her life. She's taking some steps to make sure the kids have a roof over their heads but has resigned herself to sleeping in her van (which my parent's bought straight out for her). I just don't understand the mentality. I don't get it.

When did we get like this? When did it turn ok for you to hate your parents for wanting you to get more out of life? She's ticked at me because I have a house sitting empty in the same city she lives in and I won't let her move in there. The house is on the market and we aren't renting it anymore. Plus I know HE would move in there with her. I've offered to let her come down here and move in with me here. She won't even consider that.

My grandma has a rental and I've tried to talk to my sister about that but she is completely done listening to me I guess. I'm not sure? She's hung up on me the last two times I've talked to her so I guess she's just writing me off now too. Guess she's done?

She has talked to her boyfriends mother and tried to make arrangements to have her kids sleep in the house while she sleeps outside in the van. I just don't understand how that makes sense? Her kids are two, four, and eight. Who is going to deal with them when they wake up in the night if she's outside sleeping in her van? Did I mention that it's a three bedroom house with five people living in it already? I don't even want my mind to go there. Too many bad things come from that house. Mom and step dad share a bedroom. Boyfriend shares a room with one brother/nephew, and the other brother/nephew has the other bedroom. I'm not sure which of the two brother/nephew's got expelled from school for selling drugs-the 15yo. The other one is 19 and had to do community service. Like I said, not a lot of good comes out of that house.

I have to get a shower. Ugh, I don't know how to deal with this drama anymore...